Thursday, October 30, 2008

How do I feel

Hi friends!
Thanks so much for your kind comments on my last post!! It is so nice to know I have people out there who care and are rooting for us. Since we've made our announcement I've been frequently asked "How are you feeling?". I always seem to say "oh, pretty good, thanks!" I guess the question is a heavy one for me because I've felt about a million different things up to now. To get the physical feelings out of the way: I've been hellishly tired where I had been going to bed at 7:30 at night and waking up at 8:00 in the morning. I would then manage to be up for a few hours and then fall back asleep for an hour or two in the afternoon. I was feeling like a bear in hibernation! I'd wake to nibble on a snack and down bottles and bottles of water and then stumble off into my next snore session. I figured this would happen to me, but it just sort of takes you by surprise in terms of the severity. For a while, I was also sickly. I didn't much throw up...just more feeling severely hung over all day and night. Lots of dizziness and feeling very blah. Lots of gagging and such. I would think to myself: geez, this is reminding me of my drunken college weekends except I'm not having any fun the night before. Thankfully, I have been feeling less and less of this each day. I'm also able to stay up a little later at night. Truthfully, I've been getting so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like "enough already!!!" But, the larger emotion is one of being grateful. When I was feeling the worst of it I would whisper "thank you" to God so that it was clearly understood how grateful I am that this is happening for us. I would say lists of thank yous at night when I got into bed (I still do). I will never be able to be thankful enough, and feeling tired or sick just reminds me of how lucky we got. So, if I need to be sick and tired, then I will be so. Whatever has to happen I will welcome with open arms if it means a healthy baby in the end. Emotionally I've felt lots of things. In the first month after finding out our news, I was sick with fear. I spent the better part of every day near tears with a paralyzing fear that something was going to go wrong. It was truly horrible. I tried so hard to focus on the positive and tell myself that this was going to be fine...but I've only ever gotten evidence to the contrary in my past and that's all I had to go on. The nurses at my ob office are so great...they gave me lots of reassuring blood tests and I've had tons of ultrasounds to be on the safe side (measuring the bleed I mentioned in an earler post). As the weeks have gone by, I've gotten a little more confident and a little stronger. Now, I am allowing myself to believe that this is real. That I'm not an imposter pretending and playing at pregnancy. For the longest time I had a hard time admitting I was even pregnant because I felt like it would just be over soon anyway, so why even say that I am? At my first prenatal appointment, the nurse was giving me all these papers on pregnancy and forms about childbirth classes and such. I said "why are you giving me these?" in a joking manner. She said "well, believe it or not you ARE pregnant and things are still looking good!." I felt like a poser as she handed me sheet after sheet of information. It's like I wasn't really in my body and I was watching it all happen. After months of wringing of hands, grinding my teeth, and sweating it out, I'm finally able to say "I am pregnant and I'm feeling optimistic." I will NEVER assume I will bring a baby home at the end of this. Anything can happen, and I understand that. I take each day, one at a time and I silently say Thank You every night. Each day I have this baby with me is a huge blessing and another day where I got to be so lucky. I am starting to believe and that is scary. But I MUST believe, I NEED to believe.

PS. The nurse called with our first trimester screen ratio results: we screened negative for trisomy 18 and negative for Down Syndrome. But, the odds ratio I was given was 1:270 for Down Syndrome. So, they want to do a follow up ultrasound ( level 2 ultrasound) to check things out in detail. *sigh* I will also have more blood work done. I'm telling myself that this is common and will be just fine. But why couldn't I have just gotten a call that said "everything is great!". Things don't seem to pan out that way for me. There is a worry in the back of my mind now, but I know that all will be right in the end. The scan will happen on Dec. 1st when I go for my anatomy scan and find out the sex (hopefully). One more month! One day at a time, one day at a time...

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Magic of ultrasounds

After my beta hcg numbers were proven to be great, I was scheduled for my first ultrasound right away to make sure the sac was forming in the correct place in my uterus. We didn't want another ectopic! I was pretty nervous going in, but Chris held my hand as we waited. The tech probed around and we watched as the little round black sac appeared on the screen. Tears sprung to my eyes as I saw the little white smudge of an embryo starting to form in it. "It's a normal intrauterine pregnancy," she declared as I just sat and stared. It was too early to see a heartbeat yet, but a major milestone was achieved: a pregnancy and in the right place at that! I said about a million prayers of thanks that night, and I know it will never be enough.
A few days later, I gush of blood came out of me while I was on the phone with a friend. In a panic, I hung up with her and called the doctor who warned me to lay down and keep my feet up. I was so upset, I just grabbed all my pregnancy books I'd accumulated over the times and threw them out of site into our spare bedroom floor. I thought "if this is ending, I can't bear to look at those." It was Friday and I cried most of the weekend. Come Monday, I was scheduled for an ultrasound at the hospital to check on things. I felt so sick on our way in there, but again, Chris held my hand as we faced what was to come. Happily, the sac and embryo appeared again, but this time there was a tiny squigglng flutter on the screen: the heartbeat. The tech adjusted the machine so that we could hear it. It thumped away at an amazing 108 bpm. Not bad for a 6 week old pregnancy! Hearing that sound was the most amazing feeling. Not to mention relieving! She didn't see a cause for the bleeding and things looked normal. Breathing huge sighs of relief, we went home saying our thanks again and again for this.
The next ultrasound 3 days later was to confirm the increase of the
heartbeat: it increased to 118 which was right on track. And a few more days later it was 126. Once this was determined, they felt we had a good viable embryo growing. They did go on to see fluid in my uterus...a bleed that was small and not threatening to the baby but worth being watched each week to check on it. I went on to have ultrasounds every week until week 12! The bleed finally shrunk and mostly has resolved itself now. It has been scary, but I am so grateful my doctors are so careful and concerned. The fun side effect of all these ultrasounds has been getting to see our baby grow from a little smudge of a bean to sprouting arms and legs (the gummie-bear stage) and then to having a full body: torso, flailing arms and legs, and hands and feet. We've witnessed the wee one doing sommersaults, flips, turns, and rolls. I've watched the wee one stretch with the most indulgent movments after a nice nap. I watched the heartbeat grow from 108 in the beginning to top off at 172bpm before it has normalized to around 157bpm. I finally believe this is real. I finally believe this is possible. I still have reservations, but I'm getting more and more confident with each passing week. And now that we've done the 13 week NT scan (where they measure the skin to bone distance in the neck to check for down syndrome risk) I'm feeling almost confident that everything is going to be ok. The measurement came in at 1.3mm by the way, which is supposedly perfect according to the doctor. I will get my official results in another week. One day at a time! Here is the latest photo of the wee one taken just 2 days ago:

All caught up

Phew! I've just finished updating all of my history of losses here so that you can be caught up to where I am now: Pregnant and starting a new day 13 weeks pregnant. I have a lot to say about things so far, but I'll keep this post easy and tell you about the discovery of this pregnancy. After my miscarriage in July, I refused to bother to wait a cycle in between. I'd been through it enough to know that I just wanted to try again right away. I never did get a period in between! I knew when I'd ovulated thanks to those handy ovulation predictor kits. The week after I'd ovulated found me drowning in depression. I was so consumed with sadness over my losses and was really starting to feel like I was losing it. I cried a lot. I got angry a lot. I was telling myself it probably wouldn't happen for us, so it was time to deal with my grief and also consider adoption as our next step. I found myself yelling and snapping at Chris over nothing. I found myself fuming over simple things. I felt so resentful of everyone around me. My good friend Sue worked with me to conclude I needed to find a grief counselor who could help me through my moodiness and sadness. The next morning found me at 10 dpo (days past ovulation) and I decided to take a pregnancy test. Why? Because I couldn't wait to be late for my period. I have no patience. That, the moodiness, and the pain in my boobs and uterus urged me to just pee on a stick and get it over with. Well, a line started to appear almost right away on the test. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I looked away, annoyed with myself for imagining things like this. Seconds later, I peered back at it and saw it was getting darker. My heart jumped into my throat as I rubbed my eyes. A mirage? My brain hallucinating? Nope. The distinct line formed and was there. I didn't need the light of a thousand suns to see it. I didn't need to squint or hold it at a hundred different angles in different lighting. I didn't even need to take it apart. Yes, I sheepishly admit I have done all those things every month of trying to conceive. Don't judge me! I know many of you do it too! Anyway, I could see it on the test over a foot away on the counter without trickery. I'd never had a line come so early (10 dpo) or so strong! Usually it came on 14 dpo and was so faint I needed special NASA equipment to conjure it. I did a jig in the bathroom with Maren dancing at my feet. We did it! My excitement gripped my throat as I realized: this is just step one. Will this last? Will this baby live? The fear engulfed me in its stench. I couldn't even truly enjoy this moment without clouding it with my worry. Anyhoo, I went on to have my first beta HCG blood draw at the doctor (the pregnancy hormone in your blood that they can measure). The result? 23.8 hcg and my progesterone was great at 29. I wasn't thrilled with the 23, but I knew it was early. Being that the hcg should AT LEAST double every 2 days, I went back in 2 days later for the follow-up. I prayed for it to be around 46...and it came in at 80 Hcg!!!!!! This was practically the quickest doubling time I'd ever had. Two days later I went in for the 3rd beta hcg draw: 375! There I was hoping for at least 160 and it was way more than that. This all explained my severe mood swings...I had hormones swirling through me like never before. This is when I knew: this baby has a good chance! And that is what happened during my 4th week of pregnancy. Up next: the first ultrasounds and "is it in the right place?"

FLASHBACK Loss Number Four

This post was written in my other blog on July 15, 2008:

Hi friends, I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. I've needed to take a little time to be in my own world. I turned 30 yesterday...I wasn't sure how I would feel about it...and I've decided that it's ok. I felt a little sad at how fast time flies. It feels like yesterday I was 15 and didn't yet have many cares. Life has layered on many more joys and complications since then. Yesterday was also the day my fourth pregnancy loss was confirmed. I was 6.5 weeks pregnant, but I've known it wasn't going well from practically the beginning...just by how the levels of the pregnancy hormone HCG wasn't doubling every 2 days like it should. It's been a nerve-wracking few weeks living in 2 day increments to see if the blood tests showed better results...and always feeling let down and sad. I now know for sure and it's a relief to at least know what is happening (the docs were really thinking it was another ectopic and luckily it wasn't.) My amazing husband took me on a well-planned birthday trip to Rockport, MA for a few days to do touristy things in the area and to just escape to the healing ocean. It was just what we needed to clear our heads, have some fun together, and relax a little...we had to return yesterday, July 14, for the final blood work and ultrasound that would confirm what we already had known. I'm in a good place now with the whole thing. I have a really good feeling about the next time. Fifth time will be the charm, I just know it. I have a deep feeling of peace inside and know it will all work out. I've never had that feeling before and I certainly welcome it! Some friends have asked how I can keep such a positive outlook and I just say that it takes hard work and a lot of thinking. And here's what I know: I am lucky. Very, very lucky. I have the ability to get pregnant...something many people struggle with. I need to remember to be grateful. I can keep trying. There are young women out there who are losing their battles with cancer who will never know what having a child will be like...who would trade with me in a second to have these problems. My heart aches for those families who are losing a loved one much too soon. I am grateful for what I have and thank God every day for the abundance in my life. It is easy to get caught up in a problem and it is important to pull out the lens and get the bigger picture...that we are all part of nature and the cycle of this thing called life. It is a joyous and bumpy ride and one that I choose to enjoy and cherish. I owe it to those who cannot.

MTHFR C677T

This post was written in my other blog over Valentines 2008:

Hello! Happy belated Valentine's day...I'm pretty low key about the day, so I didn't feel like posting about it. For those who have been following along with my drama of trying to conceive: It was also the day that we met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out the results of my seemingly thousands of blood tests. Most everything (the possible blood clotting disorders and things like that) came back normal (yay!) But they found one thing. I have a genetic mutation called the MTHFR C677T mutation. The genetic polymorphisms of MTHFR C677T are associated with unexplained recurrent early spontanous abortion. (early miscarriages). My RE believes that this is what has been causing my losses. A large percentage of the population has at least one mutation (inherited). I have 2 mutations since I inherited one from my Mom and one from my Dad. This is a lot more rare. This is also reminding me of Sophomore Biology class...
Anyway, apparently it is linked with risk for cardiovascular disease and blood clots in the veins. Grrrrreeeeaaaaaat. So, as I understand it, they have to check my homocysteine levels each year to make sure they aren't too high (thus causing clots and possible hardening of the arteries in the future). The mutation (if you have 2) is also possibly linked to episodes of depression (which I battle) and possibly to migraines. What do you do to help matters you ask? Well, I have to take a simple prescribed supplement with a TON of extra folic acid and vitamin B6 and vitamin B12. I will have to take it daily for the rest of my life. Now that I'm trying to have a child, I also have to take a prenatal vitamin along with it (just to give me even MORE of aforementioned vitamins). I've already been taking them daily, but I guess it wasn't nearly enough for me. These will supposedly keep the levels of homocysteine down. I guess the mutation causes my body not to process those particular vitamins properly and thus I need 5 times more than the normal person. Not having enough Folic acid can cause birth defects/problems with an early pregnancy hence the miscarriages.
Sorry for all the scientific talk, but I thought it would help for anyone else going through something similar. Overall, it's a simple fix that SUPPOSEDLY should help me keep a pregnancy with me in the future. We shall see. I'm always tired, so I'm happy that I'm taking tons of extra B12 now. It should give me my energy I always seem to lack (a nice side effect!) I'm happy that's all they found (well, that and my slight T-shaped uterus I mentioned in an earlier post) and that it's treatable. So, Valentine's Day brought us some much-awaited and prayed-for answers. That beats out chocolates any day. Despite a few obstacles, it looks like the future for a wee one is looking much more bright.

A T-Shaped Uterus


This post was written in my old blog on January 15, 2008: it refers to the HSG test where the doctor injects a dye into the uterus through the cervix and they take an X-Ray as the dye flows through and 1. inflates the uterus and 2. flows through the fallopian tubes to show any blockages or abnormalities. They'd wanted to check it because of my losses and to see if the ectopic had left behind any damage.

Hello! Well, holy hell... today's test hurt so badly. UGH! It seemed like it was ok during the procedure...just very uncomfortable. But the pain I felt afterward had me in some tears and a bit of writhing and gnashing of teeth ensued. I feel much better now and am happy it's done. The doc there at the hospital said my tubes are free-flowing and clear! No blockages or issues there. But (of course there's a "but") my uterus is "a bit T-shaped." (his words). He went on to say "But it shouldn't be too much of a problem." Well, I hadn't realized it COULD be a problem. So, of course I got home and googled it...and didn't see much by way of good news for the condition. It seems, though, to explain the ectopic pregnancy and miscarriages. So after a lot of tears and stress, I've left a message with my RE hoping she would call me back once she gets the official results from the hospital...rather than me waiting a few weeks to see her in person. I'd like to be able to, you know, SLEEP tonight knowing what she thinks in terms of MY situation. Googling OTHER people's situations doesn't help because their "T" might be more "T-like" than mine. Or perhaps their uterus looked more like some other letter of the alphabet...or a wingding symbol you get when you hit lots of key combinations together on the computer. I know I shouldn't panic when I don't know the details. But that's why I panic. And I can't help it. So that's that. We'll see what happens!

I later called the RE who ran the tests to see what his perspective was:

Here's some quotes of what he said:
1. "generally speaking, women with a t-shaped uterus have poor pregnancy outcomes"

2. "many women with the t-shape go on to eventually have a healthy viable baby

3. "many miscarriages before 10 weeks aren't because of the t-shape...the t-shape tends to cause later miscarriages" (this did not feel good to hear at all!!)

4. "looking at YOUR x-rays, I would say you have a slight t-shape. It's there, but not bad. I've seen much worse cases. I would guess that you should have a positive outcome at some point. Of all the t-shapes, this one is a better one to have."

So, I guess it's not all bad news. It's possible. I will find out more details in a few weeks when I get to meet with my actual RE to go over all the numerous results from all my testing. The bottom line is: I have to keep trying. And there's nothing I can do to control the outcome except for trying to relax and not obsess (that's a knee-slapper.)

Above is the picture of my uterus and tubes. The white-ish areas is the dye and as you can see, it shows that I have a T-shaped uterus. CLICK HERE to see what a "normal" uterine cavity is supposed to look like. You'll notice it should look like an upside down triangle.

UPDATE: 3/4/09
During my current pregnancy, I've asked my OB lots of questions about my T-shaped uterus. Surprisingly, he has been pretty unconcerned. During the first few weeks of ultrasounds, the tech always was confused since the T-shape threw her off a little bit. But, when I hit 13 weeks, they couldn't tell I had a t-shape anymore. They said that it usually stretches to the point of looking like other "normal" ones at that point. I went on to prod the doctor with more questions and he said that, in his experience, more women have T-shapes than people know about. Usually it's not even discovered until the end of the pregnancy if they need a C-Section...and they go in and find out that the T-shape was there all along. Why don't these women know sooner if at all? Because typically you don't get ultrasounds until around the 12-13 week mark and by then it's stretched out and they can't tell. He said as they do more ultrasounds earlier, they discover more and more women with this anomaly and it's not from drug exposure...just a natural flaw in the shape that occurred. My own OB told me he sees it "fairly frequently" and it "typically works out just fine." So, it shows that the statistics on this condition out there are not accurate at all. Now, I'm sure he's talking about NON-SEVERE T-shapes here. Let me be clear on that. But there is so little information on the internet on this issue at all...and what IS there seems so hopeless. I was so relieved when my doc told me he was unconcerned and sees it pretty regularly and hasn't had many problems he's seen because of it. So there IS hope for many women with the T-shape for carrying a biological child. In fact, a friend of a friend had a baby just last year and she only found out she had a T-shape during her C-Section when the baby wasn't descending into the canal as she should. She'd had no idea about the anomaly. And she's pregnant and about to give birth to her second child. So, I felt I needed to share the little bits I discovered and learned here in hopes that someone out there might need a boost in terms of a positive outlook. We are all different, but it helps to know that it's not all bad news all the time for everyone.

UPDATE 1/29/2010:
I just wanted to let everyone know who is here looking for hope/information: I delivered my baby girl "naturally"...I didn't need a C-Section after all! Everything somehow worked out after a lot of worry and assumptions that a surgery would be needed.

FLASHBACK Loss Number Three

This post was written in my other blog on December 9, 2007.

Ugh. Things just aren't going so great in our journey to conceive a child. I'm having another miscarriage right now. My second miscarriage and third pregnancy loss...all in a row. The nurse who is working with me has suggested I see a fertility specialist (a reproductive endocrinologist) to figure out what might be wrong. But, they typically wait until you have 3 or more unexplained miscarriages and I've only had 2. So, we will try (in the future) one more time. Hopefully I won't need to see a specialist and it will work out that time. But, I will expect the worst and hope for the best. I need to remember how lucky I am...that I can catch the egg. Now, I just need it to stay with me more than a few days. We knew this one was coming because I was having blood tests every other day to make sure things looked alright. We learned right away that we were doomed, so at least it wasn't a surprise. They tested my thyroid for problems this time around and nothing was out of the ordinary. I know it will happen for us one day; it's just a hard journey where each loss feels so traumatic yet is old news to those around you.
I'll keep you posted, of course, if any developments happen in that area of my life.

FLASHBACK Loss Number Two

This post was written in my other blog on November 13, 2007.

I need to vent a little bit about the last day of our trip in Florence (October 23rd, 2007). I woke up that morning to discover I was having an apparent miscarriage. We'd happily found out we were pregnant again not long before the trip, so I was a bit nervous each day. The nurse at the practice I go to here at home had warned me saying that if I saw even the slightest speck of blood to go to the emergency room. She was nervous due to our experience with the cornual ectopic pregnancy I had back in May and thought the odds were higher for a dangerous ectopic again. I was scared something bad would happen to me in a foreign country where I didn't know the procedures or speak the language. Anyway, when I saw the blood I panicked. We ran to the front desk where they got us a cab to take us to the "English speaking" hospital. Well, when we got there we couldn't find anyone who spoke English (which I can understand in a regular hospital...but I thought people were able to speak some English at the "English speaking" hospital which was the reason we'd asked to go there). We couldn't read the signs or figure out where to go once inside. I was in a crying frenzy and we felt so confused. Anyway, eventually we found a nurse who I managed to communicate with via Charades and gestures. She found one doctor who spoke English and we were off...they hooked me to an iv and took a bunch of blood. The next thing we know, he was explaining that an ambulance was going to take us to a "gynecological hospital" where they had the right equipment. So, I get strapped to this gurney and covered in blankets and whisked into the ambulance. Still crying and in a panic I still couldn't tell what anyone was saying...and then the sirens came on. I thought "are you kidding me?!" We jetted through the streets of Florence for about 10 minutes...I had to guess that the shocks were out in that vehicle because I swear I felt every cobblestone and pothole we went over. Anyway, at the next hospital we found that most of the staff didn't speak a lick of English there (which we'd assumed), so I was doing a lot of gesturing and sign language to get across what was happening. They wheeled me into this sort of open area with an exam table and an ultrasound machine. It was the sort of room anyone in the hospital would have to pass through to get to other rooms so I felt like I was on display. To my relief, the doctor spoke enough English where we could understand each other and my exam began. It was HORRIBLE. There was so privacy, no private exam room, no gown to put on, no sheet to cover me. NOTHING. I had 3 nurses staring at me, and not at my face. Which I imagined would be the scene one day when I have a baby, but not NOW! And they all looked horrified at the grisly scene and ended up putting a METAL BUCKET under me where I sat at the edge of the table to catch any matter that came out. I felt like some sort of cow.
Of course, the ultrasound showed nothing and he told me what I already knew, but confirmed it was not ectopic. One nurse could see the fear and panic in my face as I shook and cried...she came over to me and stroked my arm and my hair and said soothing words I didn't understand. That simple gesture made me feel so much better. Later, we were released and wandered out in the daylight to find it was raining and we had no idea where we were. Hmm. No coats, no umbrellas, and a crying Megan. We shuffled through the streets trying to get to a main drag or someplace that looked like taxis would frequent. Finally, we found a taxi stand at a different hospital and the whole ordeal was done. The good part? From start to finish I was back at the hotel and resting in 2 hours. It was quick, efficient, and to the point. It wasn't what I'd planned for our last day, but that's what we got. I know now that the pregnancy never really progressed past implantation and that is the thought I cling to. It was all a "routine miscarriage" as they say, except this experience was anything but routine for a girl from a small New England town! Anyway, onward and upward. Two pregnancies down, hopefully the third time is the charm, right? I have learned that anything can happen. The third may not work out either. Or it could. I always thought that I might be the one to beat the odds and have a healthy normal pregnancy right away and now I realize that trying for a child is a solemn thing that cannot be planned, predicted or controlled. There is no fairness involved; only the hope that someday it will all work out for the best. Thanks for letting me vent!

FLASHBACK Loss Number One PART TWO

Well, that last post was written quite a while back. What ended up happening? Well, I had to go back a week later for another Methotrexate shot since my numbers were barely going down. I waited through all of May, June, and most of July before my numbers finally zeroed out. It was such a slow and painful process! I'd just wanted it all to be over-with and I had to go back twice per week for blood tests the entire duration. When I eventually passed the pregnancy (mid-June) it was the most awful painful experience of my life. I won't lie. Physically, I went through the worst pain in my uterus I'd ever felt. I had contractions for hours on end that got more and more painful. Just like I've always seen on childbirth shows on TV, I would feel the huge need to push. I spent two days doing this and went lost huge quantities of tissue from "in there." In the worst moment of pain, I was home alone and passed the pregnancy in the toilet. I would not wish this moment on anyone. I just sort of sat there exhausted, sweaty and crying. I know it sounds gross, but I fished it out so I could inspect it closely. The mass was grayish and blue and the tissue it was on was the size of my hand. I didn't know what to do with it...I couldn't much recognize much of what I was looking at. So I put it back in the water and cried for a while. Then, as quickly as possible I hit the flush lever on the toilet so that I couldn't change my mind. I said a prayer and left the room to go lay down. Nobody talks about this part. Nobody wants to "go there." And I only share this because so many people go through this but feel they cannot share. Well, I mentioned in my first post that this was candid, so I won't apologize for being detailed. It's real life and it was horrible. How would you feel if you were faced with flushing your once-flourishing little baby bean down the toilet? It was a terrible moment etched in my memory forever and I hope that those of you who have gone through it can understand why I share. And I also hope that those of you who haven't will NEVER know the feeling.

FLASHBACK Loss Number One

I wrote this post on Thursday, May 24, 2007 on my other blog.

"Your pregnancy has implanted in a dangerous place." When the doctor said those unexpected words to us, my world came to a freezing halt. Her sympathetic and troubled face told me that there was nothing good to be done. She went on to explain what was happening yet my brain could not keep up with what she was saying. I didn't know to cry and be upset until she handed me the box of tissues. I just stared down at the box and realized what it all meant. I was going to lose my baby. Chris and I both burst into tears as she told us they were waiting for us across the street at the emergency room...that they would run some blood tests and ultimately give me a shot of methotrexate (a small does of this chemotherapy drug designed to dissolve pregnancy tissue and bring pregnancy hormone levels back down to zero over time). She stated this was the safest course of action and had to be right away...my uterus was apparently in danger or rupturing...causing death or the removal of my uterus. She said surgery was not a good option for now because it leaves a scar and can attract an implanting pregnancy the next time around. I was still dealing with losing THIS one, much less thinking of the next time around. She explained that this was a type of ectopic pregnancy, but a rare version of it. 5% of pregnancies can be ectopic, and 2% of THAT is the chances for a "cornual pregnancy" or "interstitial pregnancy" which is what I have. The embryo is developing and implanted in my upper-uterus just outside of the fallopian tube. It's not down in the safe lining "pouch" where it is supposed to be. It is in the muscle of the uterus, bulging up at the top and would soon grow and burst. The baby would never have made it no matter what and we had to save me and my uterus. Anyway, the doctor left the room and we sat crying for a while. Why us?? Why now? We were in our sixth week and we'd already had 2 ultrasounds due to a small hematoma (blood clot) that was causing some bleeding. But everything had been fine...the baby was developing nicely, we saw the heartbeat...all systems were go! We had no idea and were not prepared at all for the fact that this could happen. We shuffled out of the office, defeated as we lurched to the parking lot. I was numb. We went over to the hospital as we continued to sob for the next few hours. The rest is a blur of tests and waiting and the IV in my hand and then that fateful shot. I was flat on my stomach on the bed as 2 nurses came in, one on each side. They each gave me a shot at the same time in my lower back/upper buttocks. As I lay there gripping the pillow I realized how final this moment would be. I felt so sad and guilty for my little heartbeating "Niblet" as we affectionately called it. We had bonded with it and talked to it and joyously made plans; all now to be dissolved away by this damned shot. We went home that night amid blurs of telephone calls and bad news. All I knew was that this shot would take time to work. Up to a month, in fact, and maybe up to 3. They told me my hormones would slowly go down week-to-week and that eventually they would hit zero. The embryo would dissolve back into my body. As for bleeding, they couldn't tell me if or when it would happen. They said once the hormone levels got down enough, I would shed my lining as a heavy period. The doctor at the hospital had me come back a few days later for more tests to see how it was going and to make sure I wasn't going to rupture. I also had to have another ultrasound to see if it had grown or if it had started to shrink yet. It was awful. We'd said our goodbyes to Niblet and I'd asked it to forgive us and told it how sorry I was this was happening. I know it was for the best and to save my life, but it doesn't take away the pain of forcing a life to end no matter WHAT the reason. Chris even did a little baptismal blessing at my stomach...which I can only hope made him feel better in some small way. I am not Catholic so I just sort of sat there and let him do what he needed. It's just as much his sorrow as mine. The radiologist in the ultrasound room said that the heartbeat was not there and that things didn't look to be rupturing or in trouble. So, it was done. I felt a rush of sadness along with a rush of peace and closure for Niblet. No more waiting in torture for the little life to end. 4 days of waiting for that felt like an eternity. The fear for my life was over too...I could finally get started dealing with the loss. I'm going in today for a follow-up blood test. I will be going in every 4 days to make sure my hormones are dropping. If not, they need to give me another shot. I pray that this works. I don't want another shot and I don't want to have to have surgery. The doctor the other day mentioned "if this had implanted 1 cm down it would have been ok." Gee. Wow.

I'm not sure what to feel about that information, and I'm quite certain I would have gotten by without that nugget of knowledge. And I know all the "hey, this happend for a reason" (and what reason could it POSSIBLY be?) and "At least you can get pregnant". I'm grateful for the truths of these things. Yes, I can get pregnant apparently. And it seemed the baby would have been ok in there had it been lower down. But I have to say it doesn't take away the pain or help in any way to know these things. Niblet is gone and that's the fact of the matter. A loss that must be grieved and felt. I am lonely, sad, and isolated. This was not a miscarriage so I don't fit in there; and it wasn't a tubal pregnancy, so I don't fit in there. We are now waiting. Waiting for time to go by, for my hormones to zero out, for the embryo to dissolve. And who knows how long it will take. We'd love to try again as soon as possible, but it all rides on how fast we can get this going. And it's not up to me. It's out of my hands. I wish this was quick and simple so i could at least know it was over and could grieve and try again soon. But I'm left in this sort of suffering limbo...not knowing what I will be told today after my blood test or 4 days after that. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I think "why can't I have this go smoothly!!!" "I have enough rare shit going on with my body already...can't I have this go right!??" I already have a rare genetic disorder called "Nail patella syndrome" and I already have "Pressure Urticaria" which is a rare situation where I get hives all over my body every day from any pressure on my skin. This causes fatigue, joint pain, and overall severe itchiness. I was kind of hoping I would have a nice normal pregnancy since I'd already paid my "rare shit" toll. But, I guess not. If only we could have won the lottery with these odds instead! Anyway, I am starting to feel hopeful that things will be better and I know we will feel the joy and thrill of a new baby at some point, however it happens. I still haven't gone back to work yet...I just can't seem to make myself move. I have no strength or energy for my normal activities. But soon I will have to bite the bullet and get started. People out there have it far worse than me. FAR worse. I will be ok. We will be ok. I choose to believe it will all work out. And I have thanked Niblet for getting my body ready for the next one. That it's life was not in vain, but here to ready my body for what is to come. In the meantime, I will get through each day one at a time. I will take deep breaths and I will smile even when I don't feel like it. I will move forward and it will get easier. This is a permanent scar on our lives and will one day be a memory like anything else. Until that day comes, please send us good vibes and good thoughts. I can officially say that I can't do this alone. For anyone who wants to understand what happened via a diagram, click here to see all the versions of ectopic pregnancy...mine is the cornual/interstitial one. Mine was on the right side. Thanks for listening!

Welcome!!

Hello! Welcome to the first post on "Me and Wee." Let me introduce myself. My name is Megan and I'm a self-employed graphic designer and letterpresser. Here is my website. The handsome fella in the photo there with me is my husband Chris. He's an engineer...a man of physics whereas I am a woman of art/creative pursuits. Together we live with our little mini dachshund named Maren...she keeps us on our toes as she's only a year old and pretty energetic (aka. crazy). I'm sure you now may wonder "what's the deal with this blog?" Well, we are excited to publicly announce that I am pregnant and we are expecting a baby in the very beginning of May 2009. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant. Hooray! It was no small feat to get here, however. We began trying in early 2007 and 4 pregnancy losses ensued from then until recently (July 2008). This blog is a place where we will chronicle our losses and explore how we got through them emotionally. We will also explore how those losses affect us now in our current pregnancy because, well, how could they not? We're excited to share in our current experiences as we move through the pregnancy and all that comes with it...the discoveries along the way, the emotions, the cool products we come across, nursery decorating ideas, the advice we've received...this is the place we will put it all out there to share. And once the wee one comes, we'll discuss the adventures of raising a child and having a family. It's about the "we" of family and the "wee one" on the way. My husband Chris will be checking in from time to time with thoughts from his perspective, humorous anecdotes, jokes at my expense...
Welcome to our little world! We're excited to have you along on this roller coaster. It's not for the faint of heart as we are going to be quite candid. So consider yourself warned and let's get started!
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