Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Lights Will Guide You Home

Yesterday I was changing Noah's diaper (for the hundredth time of the day). It's the sort of task you do without thinking much; almost through a daze. I had the TV on in the background; a Coldplay concert was airing, to my delight. A song came on that broke through my daze and snapped me back to the room and I stared at the TV--I heard the chords to "Fix You" and was immediately transported back to a time and place I'd long shoved to the side of my mind (it's never in the back). I've written about that song here before; how I listened to it again and again, usually in the car, after our first loss. The loss of little "Niblet" where I'd had to have a few shots of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy in order to save my own life. It was the darkest time of my entire life.
I hadn't heard that song in a long time and it brought back some feelings of sadness and loss. It pricked me where the old wound sits. I thought about how that baby would now have just turned four years old in January and I wondered what life would look like now had that whole thing not happened. I looked down at Noah--at his chubby thighs, cheeks, and belly and his beautiful little face and knew that he nor Paige would be here now had that horrible event never occurred. But another shadow crossed me as I looked at his little face---the guilt of knowing that shot of methotrexate ended that little life. I know I had no choice, but it doesn't make the guilt or sadness any less real or relevant to me. It's a reality that is tattooed to my soul.
I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past or the things we cannot change. But I cannot lie and say that I'm not haunted by it sometimes.
Little Noah kicked his legs and peered up at me while Paige played at my feet with a balloon. I just sort of stood there frozen with tears sliding down my face. An ironic scene. To have it all and feel so empty all in one moment.
Needless to say, the song ended and I snapped out of it. The time machine flung me back into the present and it reminded me that grief can sometimes resurface in an instant--only to be flung to the side again just as quickly since life must march on as it always has.


I find this song healing; though sad. If you've had some sort of loss and need to wallow a bit, I recommend it.

"Fix You" (Coldplay) Watch the video/hear the song here

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Questions you don't ask

Hi!
So, over the weekend Chris gave me some time, so I ran to get a manicure (get the old gel one removed and a regular one done instead) at a new place. The person doing my nails (once I sat down) said "So! When are you due?" *cue the Debbie Downer music*. The air fizzled right out of me. I didn't want her to feel bad, so I smiled and said "oh, no no no, I had the baby 2 months ago...I still have a belly that hasn't really gone down yet."
My belly was mostly gone by now with Paige, but this time around my stomach was bigger and I continue to look 4 or 5 months pregnant. I sometimes use a post-partum belly support and sometimes I use Spanx. That day I was brave to go without, or so I thought! LOL
Anyway, here are some questions you just don't ask:
1. When are you due? or Are you pregnant?
Just don't ask unless the other person has brought it up first. Or, if you are in the delivery room and the baby is flying out of her "deal" at that moment. Also, asking if someone is pregnant is asking them to deliver info they might not be ready to deliver yet OR they may not be pregnant and you make them feel bad about having a big lunch.
2. Soooo! When are you guys having kids? or Sooooo! YOU must be next to have a baby! (etc.)
This is personal. So many people are having issues with conceiving and it's a very difficult time. You never know who is having these troubles and that question can cause stress and tears. Take it from me. Just don't ask. And, some people don't WANT children and don't want to have to explain themselves. It's an invasive question that leads us to...
3. When are you two getting married?
Mind your own business! And don't make the happy couple feel all awkward and weird. He'll propose if he's darn well ready. Leave them alone already! And if they plan to break up, well, that's their business too.
4. When are you gonna have Baby Number Two?
Ugh. Some people only want one kid. Or, sometimes people have an impossible time conceiving a second child. Or, some are actively trying and don't want to share. Don't ask, unless you are a close friend and are already in the private loop.

What other questions do you find invasive?

And just because you visited today, here's a fun photo:
sticker noses

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

2 months

sharky noah

Dear Little N,

Another month under your belt! Good work, little fella! This month was a lot like last month, only with a lot more crying in the daytime. Phew! You are giving me a run for my money. It's that infant fussy stage that is the culprit, I'll bet. You tend to cry and be generally uncomfortable from about 10 am to about 3:00 pm--sometimes for much longer periods (to about 8:00 at night or so). I'm finding out about patience and staying calm...having 2 needy kiddos on top of me all day can drive one nuts. You do seem to like to sleep in your crib in the dark room during the day; you like to sleep every 1.25 hours of wakefulness. If I miss this window you tend to stay awake and yell. You are very easily overstimulated so I have to always keep that in mind!
On the happy side of things, you have been falling asleep by 8:00pm and you don't wake up until your next meal at around 2:30am or so. And then you sleep until about 6:30 or 7 ready to eat again. This is wonderful!! Thanks for that. I think deep down you know that you can't mess with Mama's sleep. It's in your best interest to cry during the day if you are going to be fussy at all. Hee!
In case you are wondering later, you seem to have a very sweet disposition overall. When you aren't in a colicky state, you are so serene and soft. You peer around at everything and seem to just take it all in. When you are amused by something you are examining, you'll make a little raptor-like call to coo at that thing. You'll top it off with a little grin. You have yet to make eye contact and smile very much. It's happened maybe twice to me so far; I'm hoping for more soon! Your smile would launch ships; I'll never tire of it. You seem to reserve your smiles for special affairs and you don't just hand them out like candy. Instead, you seem to have an amused look on your face most of the time while you throw a chuckle out here and there. I'm glad; you look like a cheerful little chap; but perhaps a little bit introverted. We'll have to see! Paige seemed that way too and now she's incredibly outgoing and noisy. I've learned that you can't peg someone's personality into a specific hole. Your Nana says that about me and my personality; I'm sure that is going to be true for you. All I know for sure is I'm so lucky and excited to hold your hand in this journey of yours. I like to look down at your face during your mid-night feeding and think about all the wondrous things you have ahead of you. So many firsts are coming your way. You have no idea how exciting it all is yet. I watch you enjoying your bottle and I wonder if you'll cling to me one day the way I now cling to you. My chest aches with love reserved just for you; it is overwhelming. Growing up is hard work and I'm so glad I get to be here for it and cheer you on. I'm so excited to get to know you more and more each day; each one part of a greater gift that reveals itself slowly over time. You'll never be two months old again. For that I am sad. But I get to witness and share in the very sweetest of your years. How great is that? I thank God every single day for the treasure that is you and the time we have ahead together. How do you suppose that of all the little boys in the universe I got the best one?
I Love you always and forever,
Mama

mama and noah
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