Lights Will Guide You Home

Yesterday I was changing Noah's diaper (for the hundredth time of the day). It's the sort of task you do without thinking much; almost through a daze. I had the TV on in the background; a Coldplay concert was airing, to my delight. A song came on that broke through my daze and snapped me back to the room and I stared at the TV--I heard the chords to "Fix You" and was immediately transported back to a time and place I'd long shoved to the side of my mind (it's never in the back). I've written about that song here before; how I listened to it again and again, usually in the car, after our first loss. The loss of little "Niblet" where I'd had to have a few shots of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy in order to save my own life. It was the darkest time of my entire life.
I hadn't heard that song in a long time and it brought back some feelings of sadness and loss. It pricked me where the old wound sits. I thought about how that baby would now have just turned four years old in January and I wondered what life would look like now had that whole thing not happened. I looked down at Noah--at his chubby thighs, cheeks, and belly and his beautiful little face and knew that he nor Paige would be here now had that horrible event never occurred. But another shadow crossed me as I looked at his little face---the guilt of knowing that shot of methotrexate ended that little life. I know I had no choice, but it doesn't make the guilt or sadness any less real or relevant to me. It's a reality that is tattooed to my soul.
I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past or the things we cannot change. But I cannot lie and say that I'm not haunted by it sometimes.
Little Noah kicked his legs and peered up at me while Paige played at my feet with a balloon. I just sort of stood there frozen with tears sliding down my face. An ironic scene. To have it all and feel so empty all in one moment.
Needless to say, the song ended and I snapped out of it. The time machine flung me back into the present and it reminded me that grief can sometimes resurface in an instant--only to be flung to the side again just as quickly since life must march on as it always has.


I find this song healing; though sad. If you've had some sort of loss and need to wallow a bit, I recommend it.

"Fix You" (Coldplay) Watch the video/hear the song here

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you