Sunday, October 26, 2008

All caught up

Phew! I've just finished updating all of my history of losses here so that you can be caught up to where I am now: Pregnant and starting a new day 13 weeks pregnant. I have a lot to say about things so far, but I'll keep this post easy and tell you about the discovery of this pregnancy. After my miscarriage in July, I refused to bother to wait a cycle in between. I'd been through it enough to know that I just wanted to try again right away. I never did get a period in between! I knew when I'd ovulated thanks to those handy ovulation predictor kits. The week after I'd ovulated found me drowning in depression. I was so consumed with sadness over my losses and was really starting to feel like I was losing it. I cried a lot. I got angry a lot. I was telling myself it probably wouldn't happen for us, so it was time to deal with my grief and also consider adoption as our next step. I found myself yelling and snapping at Chris over nothing. I found myself fuming over simple things. I felt so resentful of everyone around me. My good friend Sue worked with me to conclude I needed to find a grief counselor who could help me through my moodiness and sadness. The next morning found me at 10 dpo (days past ovulation) and I decided to take a pregnancy test. Why? Because I couldn't wait to be late for my period. I have no patience. That, the moodiness, and the pain in my boobs and uterus urged me to just pee on a stick and get it over with. Well, a line started to appear almost right away on the test. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I looked away, annoyed with myself for imagining things like this. Seconds later, I peered back at it and saw it was getting darker. My heart jumped into my throat as I rubbed my eyes. A mirage? My brain hallucinating? Nope. The distinct line formed and was there. I didn't need the light of a thousand suns to see it. I didn't need to squint or hold it at a hundred different angles in different lighting. I didn't even need to take it apart. Yes, I sheepishly admit I have done all those things every month of trying to conceive. Don't judge me! I know many of you do it too! Anyway, I could see it on the test over a foot away on the counter without trickery. I'd never had a line come so early (10 dpo) or so strong! Usually it came on 14 dpo and was so faint I needed special NASA equipment to conjure it. I did a jig in the bathroom with Maren dancing at my feet. We did it! My excitement gripped my throat as I realized: this is just step one. Will this last? Will this baby live? The fear engulfed me in its stench. I couldn't even truly enjoy this moment without clouding it with my worry. Anyhoo, I went on to have my first beta HCG blood draw at the doctor (the pregnancy hormone in your blood that they can measure). The result? 23.8 hcg and my progesterone was great at 29. I wasn't thrilled with the 23, but I knew it was early. Being that the hcg should AT LEAST double every 2 days, I went back in 2 days later for the follow-up. I prayed for it to be around 46...and it came in at 80 Hcg!!!!!! This was practically the quickest doubling time I'd ever had. Two days later I went in for the 3rd beta hcg draw: 375! There I was hoping for at least 160 and it was way more than that. This all explained my severe mood swings...I had hormones swirling through me like never before. This is when I knew: this baby has a good chance! And that is what happened during my 4th week of pregnancy. Up next: the first ultrasounds and "is it in the right place?"

1 comment :

DangAndBlast! said...

Beautiful. Your stories have had me weeping (at work, too!), and I'll be praying for you for health and joy this time around. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm not there yet, but I've got a friend who's near giving up after three losses (2 ectopic, so she's only got one-half left), and I'll share with her.

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