FLASHBACK Loss Number Four

This post was written in my other blog on July 15, 2008:

Hi friends, I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. I've needed to take a little time to be in my own world. I turned 30 yesterday...I wasn't sure how I would feel about it...and I've decided that it's ok. I felt a little sad at how fast time flies. It feels like yesterday I was 15 and didn't yet have many cares. Life has layered on many more joys and complications since then. Yesterday was also the day my fourth pregnancy loss was confirmed. I was 6.5 weeks pregnant, but I've known it wasn't going well from practically the beginning...just by how the levels of the pregnancy hormone HCG wasn't doubling every 2 days like it should. It's been a nerve-wracking few weeks living in 2 day increments to see if the blood tests showed better results...and always feeling let down and sad. I now know for sure and it's a relief to at least know what is happening (the docs were really thinking it was another ectopic and luckily it wasn't.) My amazing husband took me on a well-planned birthday trip to Rockport, MA for a few days to do touristy things in the area and to just escape to the healing ocean. It was just what we needed to clear our heads, have some fun together, and relax a little...we had to return yesterday, July 14, for the final blood work and ultrasound that would confirm what we already had known. I'm in a good place now with the whole thing. I have a really good feeling about the next time. Fifth time will be the charm, I just know it. I have a deep feeling of peace inside and know it will all work out. I've never had that feeling before and I certainly welcome it! Some friends have asked how I can keep such a positive outlook and I just say that it takes hard work and a lot of thinking. And here's what I know: I am lucky. Very, very lucky. I have the ability to get pregnant...something many people struggle with. I need to remember to be grateful. I can keep trying. There are young women out there who are losing their battles with cancer who will never know what having a child will be like...who would trade with me in a second to have these problems. My heart aches for those families who are losing a loved one much too soon. I am grateful for what I have and thank God every day for the abundance in my life. It is easy to get caught up in a problem and it is important to pull out the lens and get the bigger picture...that we are all part of nature and the cycle of this thing called life. It is a joyous and bumpy ride and one that I choose to enjoy and cherish. I owe it to those who cannot.

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