Sunday, October 26, 2008
FLASHBACK Loss Number One PART TWO
Well, that last post was written quite a while back. What ended up happening? Well, I had to go back a week later for another Methotrexate shot since my numbers were barely going down. I waited through all of May, June, and most of July before my numbers finally zeroed out. It was such a slow and painful process! I'd just wanted it all to be over-with and I had to go back twice per week for blood tests the entire duration. When I eventually passed the pregnancy (mid-June) it was the most awful painful experience of my life. I won't lie. Physically, I went through the worst pain in my uterus I'd ever felt. I had contractions for hours on end that got more and more painful. Just like I've always seen on childbirth shows on TV, I would feel the huge need to push. I spent two days doing this and went lost huge quantities of tissue from "in there." In the worst moment of pain, I was home alone and passed the pregnancy in the toilet. I would not wish this moment on anyone. I just sort of sat there exhausted, sweaty and crying. I know it sounds gross, but I fished it out so I could inspect it closely. The mass was grayish and blue and the tissue it was on was the size of my hand. I didn't know what to do with it...I couldn't much recognize much of what I was looking at. So I put it back in the water and cried for a while. Then, as quickly as possible I hit the flush lever on the toilet so that I couldn't change my mind. I said a prayer and left the room to go lay down. Nobody talks about this part. Nobody wants to "go there." And I only share this because so many people go through this but feel they cannot share. Well, I mentioned in my first post that this was candid, so I won't apologize for being detailed. It's real life and it was horrible. How would you feel if you were faced with flushing your once-flourishing little baby bean down the toilet? It was a terrible moment etched in my memory forever and I hope that those of you who have gone through it can understand why I share. And I also hope that those of you who haven't will NEVER know the feeling.