Sunday, October 26, 2008

FLASHBACK Loss Number One PART TWO

Well, that last post was written quite a while back. What ended up happening? Well, I had to go back a week later for another Methotrexate shot since my numbers were barely going down. I waited through all of May, June, and most of July before my numbers finally zeroed out. It was such a slow and painful process! I'd just wanted it all to be over-with and I had to go back twice per week for blood tests the entire duration. When I eventually passed the pregnancy (mid-June) it was the most awful painful experience of my life. I won't lie. Physically, I went through the worst pain in my uterus I'd ever felt. I had contractions for hours on end that got more and more painful. Just like I've always seen on childbirth shows on TV, I would feel the huge need to push. I spent two days doing this and went lost huge quantities of tissue from "in there." In the worst moment of pain, I was home alone and passed the pregnancy in the toilet. I would not wish this moment on anyone. I just sort of sat there exhausted, sweaty and crying. I know it sounds gross, but I fished it out so I could inspect it closely. The mass was grayish and blue and the tissue it was on was the size of my hand. I didn't know what to do with it...I couldn't much recognize much of what I was looking at. So I put it back in the water and cried for a while. Then, as quickly as possible I hit the flush lever on the toilet so that I couldn't change my mind. I said a prayer and left the room to go lay down. Nobody talks about this part. Nobody wants to "go there." And I only share this because so many people go through this but feel they cannot share. Well, I mentioned in my first post that this was candid, so I won't apologize for being detailed. It's real life and it was horrible. How would you feel if you were faced with flushing your once-flourishing little baby bean down the toilet? It was a terrible moment etched in my memory forever and I hope that those of you who have gone through it can understand why I share. And I also hope that those of you who haven't will NEVER know the feeling.

4 comments :

Mazo said...

I have never been through what you have, but can understand why you shared in detail. For some, exploring painful experiences help understand the pain and how to move forward. No need for you to apologize!

C. Grimes said...

I had a similar experience this past November, except mine was just a "normal" miscarriage. Obviously, no loss of pregnancy is "normal," but you know what I mean - you were in a very small % of people with what you went through. I think that must make it even more difficult when you're actually living through the situation - that there are so few of "these" losses, HOW could you be one of them. I felt that way about our m/c.

Like you, I knew I was going to lose the baby, it was just a matter of when, and I had contractions and urges to push, etc., and was alone when it finally happened... I recently shared with my friend the maze of emotion I had tried to find my way through since then, even over the physical act of knowing nothing else to do except...flush.

In February we found out that we were expecting again, and hopefully pregnancy number 3 will come to fruition. Things have gone well so far with #3, and I am now 18 weeks along (just hit the first day of the fifth month yesterday). To this day, I am still afraid, and I catch myself worrying at every little cramp or pain or oddity that I feel in my belly. Chances are it's the little one flipping over or poking me for food, but that fear never seems to leave...

I wish you and your family the best, and I love the fact that your are so open in your writing. You are a strong and brave woman and I find myself taking an example from you. All the best...

Anonymous said...

I just have to tell you that your story has touched me deeply and helped me to understand and feel what I truely need to feel.

Like you I was diagnosed last month with a cornual ectopic. When the whole sordid process of finding out why they couldn't see anything in my uterus began...I was just utterly and completely scared and confused. I had no idea what was happening to me nor could I believe that it was ME that it was happening to!! You always feel that things like this happen to others.

I got one shot of methotrexate and count my blessings every day that my cornual was caught early and before any permenant damage occured. My levels had started to decline prior to the shot so I felt a little more comfortable getting the shot...well, as comfortable as an expectant mother could possibly feel knowing she is ending the growing life inside of her. My levels went down to zero about a month after I had recieved the shot and I think I may have finally ovulated this week so I am praying my period arives soon so I can start the count down to try again. My worst fear right now is that unlike you I never expelled anything aside from the lining of my uterus...as a matter of fact about 2 weeks ago they could still see the mass in my uterus! I am freaking out that it isn't going to absorb into my body like everyone's been telling me it should! How long does this process take?!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that when I was reading your words...I felt as if I was reading my mind b/c those words are the same that I think about every day that goes by. Everyone is so sympathetic to my situation, but no one really understands...no one but you. Thanks for your candor...just know that you helped someone else by sharing. It's good to let our grief out...something I barely have time to do. Take care and also...congrats on your little one! I broke down in tears when I saw you had your little miracle! Good luck to you all!!

Celina

Katie said...

I know this post is from a few years ago but I'm just now stumbling upon it. Thank you so much for your honesty with your painful experience. I had almost exactly the same experience a year and a half ago. I had an ectopic pregnancy that was growing on my ovary, so it was also a rare and potentially very dangerous ectopic pregnancy. I also had methotrexate shots. I understand the pain you experienced with the actual miscarriage. I broke down into tears reading about the decision you had to make when you passed the tissue. I still feel pain thinking about that moment. I've read on and it looks like you were able to get pregnant - twice! I was able to get pregnant as well and we have a beautiful four-month old daughter. Thank you again for your post. :)

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