Friday, April 15, 2011

another

Hi friends!
It's finally starting to seem like spring around these parts! Phew! It was getting depressing...all the cold and darkness and snow and whatnot. I'm now staring at some budding trees and a blue sky. Jiggety jig!
I've been fielding questions as of late...the "when are you going to have another kid" question to be exact. I wish I had a firm answer. I just have no idea. I get pangs now and again...the pang that says that babies are so cute and cuddly and warm. Then I get another pang that reminds me of the work, the elusive sleep, the commitment. Not that I'm not already committed, but you know what I mean. Two is more than one and all that jazz.
The truth is, a big part of me is terrified to go into trying to have another baby. I mean, Paige was our fifth pregnancy. I spent the first trimester in terror and fear. I spent every day shaking, sweating, nearly crying and I thought I could never go through that daily fear again. I was so grateful to be pregnant, but so terrified of something going wrong. I barely slept and didn't really relax until about my 7th month. It didn't help that I bled alot from a hematoma in there early on (nothing like bleeding to calm a pregnant woman's nerves). Anyway, it was a lot to go through and I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to go through all that again. (I won't even go into all the feelings I have with all the time and energy that Little P. needs right now as we learn about what we can do to help her developmentally. A baby thrown in the mix would certainly add another level of chaos.) I wonder "what if I have another loss? And another? Can I really go through it again?" Deep down, I know the answer is a resounding "yes." Paige has proven to me that every scary step is well worth it. Paige, when she was an angel, tried many times to get to me. Her future body was just having a hard time forming. And when it finally did, she came to be with us and we will forever be linked as Mama and daughter. How can I not give her a brother or sister to romp with here on earth? Another angel waiting in the wings for an earthly body. I'm scared, but I know I can do it. I may not know our next angel personally yet, but I know I love him or her and want to give them a home to come to. Soon, dear angel...soon. Please know that I will try my best but I have no control. That I am scared. That it may take a while. That I just need a little more bravery to come my way. In the meantime, I hope you are enjoying your heavenly garden in all its splendor.

5 comments :

alicia said...

wow love how you put that, the angel in waiting. so beautiful.

i TOTALLY get this post. When we went back to the fertility clinic to try for our second I ended up with a panic attack and thought NO WAY, I am not ready I cannot do this, going through the crazy pregnancy baby no sleep stage again, NOT ready. so we left with plans of trying a year later....next month preggers naturally and I was terrified. I never lost a pregnancy so I don't know what its like to go through that or how scary it is imagining it again, but I do know now having my second that it really isn't that bad! You are a pro now at being a mom, so you have WAY more patience, tolerance and love to go around.

You are such a great mom, you will be so amazing as a mom to 2.

Mel - The Organic Mamas said...

as a mum to a special needs daughter (she has mild cerebral palsy) I found that when we had our second daughter (2 and a half years apart) we had a ready made physical and occupational therapist!! they are such great friends (they are now 6.5 and 4) and our 4 year old is such a patient and caring little sister. sure, it was hard at the start but it does get better and all of the therapy we did really does pay off in the future. at times it seemed like we were getting nowhere but suddenly everything just clicked and looking back now we can say it was all worth it. your posts about paige really resonated with me and reminded me of those early years with our eldest daughter and i really just wanted to let you know you are doing a great job and every little bit of therapy you do with her is SO worth it - so hang in there,
Take care
Mel x

Anonymous said...

It never ceases to amaze me that people ask that question...geez.
Anyway, I hear you on all counts! I'm a mom to a VERY ACTIVE 19 mos old and we're expecting the 2nd in early Nov. Very happy since we tried for 5 years for our first, but I wonder how I will be able to do it??? Just getting through the 1st trimester with horrible morning sickness was a huge effort...I guess it's just the beginning! I have sooooo much respect for my grandmothers and great grandmothers who had huge families...clearly back then people (women) were tougher (than me!!)
All my best to you and your family...when the time is right, it will be right:)
And thanks for speaking the truth about motherhood and how exhausting it can be...sometimes when reading blogs, I tend to wonder if some women have full time housecleaners and a cook on duty!!
Allison

Lor said...

Ah, the question!! I used to say I was not at all sure to have another kid, which seemed to surprise people but usually put an end to the questioning. And it was true, I wasn't sure at all. We finally decided to give it a try and there I am, 5 months pregnant. Violette will have a sister or brother soon after her 3rd birthday and then I am positive I do not want a 3rd child!
You are right to wait a bit in order to make sure you are in a good place with all this.

Megan said...

Congrats!!! Yay! Yes, I was thinking I'd like a baby to be closer to Paige's third birthday or later. :) I like the idea that she will be more able to play on her own and will be better at talking/communicating by then which will make life easier.

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