It's finally starting to seem like spring around these parts! Phew! It was getting depressing...all the cold and darkness and snow and whatnot. I'm now staring at some budding trees and a blue sky. Jiggety jig!
I've been fielding questions as of late...the "when are you going to have another kid" question to be exact. I wish I had a firm answer. I just have no idea. I get pangs now and again...the pang that says that babies are so cute and cuddly and warm. Then I get another pang that reminds me of the work, the elusive sleep, the commitment. Not that I'm not already committed, but you know what I mean. Two is more than one and all that jazz.
The truth is, a big part of me is terrified to go into trying to have another baby. I mean, Paige was our fifth pregnancy. I spent the first trimester in terror and fear. I spent every day shaking, sweating, nearly crying and I thought I could never go through that daily fear again. I was so grateful to be pregnant, but so terrified of something going wrong. I barely slept and didn't really relax until about my 7th month. It didn't help that I bled alot from a hematoma in there early on (nothing like bleeding to calm a pregnant woman's nerves). Anyway, it was a lot to go through and I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to go through all that again. (I won't even go into all the feelings I have with all the time and energy that Little P. needs right now as we learn about what we can do to help her developmentally. A baby thrown in the mix would certainly add another level of chaos.) I wonder "what if I have another loss? And another? Can I really go through it again?" Deep down, I know the answer is a resounding "yes." Paige has proven to me that every scary step is well worth it. Paige, when she was an angel, tried many times to get to me. Her future body was just having a hard time forming. And when it finally did, she came to be with us and we will forever be linked as Mama and daughter. How can I not give her a brother or sister to romp with here on earth? Another angel waiting in the wings for an earthly body. I'm scared, but I know I can do it. I may not know our next angel personally yet, but I know I love him or her and want to give them a home to come to. Soon, dear angel...soon. Please know that I will try my best but I have no control. That I am scared. That it may take a while. That I just need a little more bravery to come my way. In the meantime, I hope you are enjoying your heavenly garden in all its splendor.