Me and Wee: Gross and Grosser

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Gross and Grosser

Before Paige was born I was scared about all the gross things that would come my things. You know, being pooped on, barfed on, etc. I knew it would all be inevitable, but somewhere deep down, secretly, I'd hoped that I'd be able to avoid some of those things. I've quickly learned that I'd never be immune to the grossness that can surround you when a baby is there too.
1. Sketchy Boobs:
They sort of resemble something out of National Geographic magazine right now. Thank God for push-up bras. There's also some interesting stretch marks on them. But those are everywhere on me now. Earning your stripes doesn't only count if you are in the military.
2. Poop:
I don't mind changing the poopy diaper. It's not so bad, really. At least not yet. Sometimes I'll gag a little, but don't tell Paige. It's when she "sharts" (shitting and farting at the same time) a BIG one and sometimes it will leak out the edge of the diaper and I won't know about it. It's usually when I'm feeding her. I'll be holding her and feel dampness and either A.) with my hand...where I then smell it and GAG upon the realization it is poop. or B.) will move her a little and find that there is a big wet spot on my shirt that is brownish in color and GAG upon the realization that it is poop and is also soaked onto my skin THROUGH my shirt. GAG again.
3. Spit up:
I don't mind a little spit up here and there. Not so bad, and I just wipe it right up. It's when she projectile flings it across her body or the room. It SPLOOSHES onto everything in the area and is a big pain in my ass to clean up. And the dog loves to jump in on the fun by trying to lick it up. GAG again. One time, while I was burping her, she turned her head and SPLOOSHED her "middle of the night burrito" (as I like to call her feeding) right into the side of my face. There was a lot of it, so it dripped down and right into the neck of my shirt, covering my National Geographic chest with her mucousy spit up. There was quite a bit, so I had to change my shirt, etc. right away. I didn't gag that time, but was a little grossed out. I also gave my face a nice washing after that.
4. Boogers:
I've wiped a lot of boogers in my life. But I'd always hoped I could get away with not having to use a bulb syringe on a baby. No luck. When she had her cold, I had to suck out each of Paige's nostrils all day. It wasn't all that bad since it was so much like liquid. But then, the other day I noticed she was snorting funny and I could see that there were boogers way up in there. With the bulb syringe again, I worked one out (it took some doing!) and I swear to God it was about an inch long. I gagged a good bit at that one. To be honest.
5. Rectal Temperature:
This one I secretly hoped I would never have to do. Besides, we have a fancy ear thermometer that claims it's more accurate than that. But dammit, the pediatrician's office DEMANDS her temp be given rectally. At least for now anyway. So when we called to ask how to handle her cold, they immediatly wanted the dreaded temp. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *sigh*
We whipped out THAT thermometer (the one I'd hoped we'd never have to open the package for) and covered it in the Vaseline. It actually turned out to be pretty easy. Paige just hung out on the changing table on her diaper. She didn't even poop on me during it AND she stayed perfectly calm. I was freaking out the whole time but felt much better once it was over. All in all, it was no big deal and a whole lot of worry about nothing.

Later in the future I'll be dealing with actual vomit and puke. But for now, I've been saved. Hey, I used to work summers at a day care and the worst mess was when an 8-year old girl projectile vomited her entire lunch all over the bathroom. Not IN the toilet, mind you, but ALL OVER IT and all over the pipes that attach it, and all over the sink, wall, floor, etc. It must have been some sort of "Exorcist" moment. I didn't see it happen, but that was some GROSS clean up I had to do. It took me an hour to clean. I still have flashbacks and nightmares. I dealt with a lot of gross things at that job, but that incident stands out quite a bit! So, I feel like if I can clean up some kid who isn't even mine's puke then I can jolly well be able to clean up my OWN kid's puke. Unless I bat my eyelashes and beg my husband to do it instead. I'm not above that you know.
Have I sufficiently grossed you out yet???
Be well friends, and we are surviving the "peak of fussiness" that is week 6. It sucks a lot. She cries and fusses a lot (especially after 4 pm). And she's spitting up a lot (because her tummy get's so tight). Her sleep isn't the best right now either. BUT we'd been warned about all of these things and that they would happen this week. So, at least I'm not surprised. Needless to say, we are SO looking forward to next week! In the meantime, I love to watch her sleep the little during the day that she does. I still can't believe that little miracle came from us! And despite all the "gross" things that come from her, she remains incredibly lovable and cute and I will always come back for more no matter WHAT she does!


Joy said...

I hear you about the gross things....I just try to tell myself none of it will be as bad as when I worked at a gas station, had to clean the men's room, and there was crap smeared all over the floors, walls, and fixtures...who does that?!

Also...I am glad not to have a dog to try to lick up baby vomit, for sure!

thestamfordwife said...

OMG, I'm LMAO right now! I'm right there with you, sista! I gagged for the first time (I guess I've been a trooper for the past three months) the other day while changing a monster poop. They have just gotten worse and worse. I miss the "cute" poops from the earlier days. I woke up the other night to him wailing in his crib. Of course, what did I find when I looked in his crib? Poop everywhere...him, sheets, bumper, even down to the mattress pad. OMG, I could've died. Changing crib sheets at 4 a.m. is so not fun.

Anonymous said...

I love this post...I need to be prepared for this stuff. :)

Colette said...

I'd like to add something as the mom of a baby boy- getting peed on during a diaper change.
"Why am I hot and wet? Ewww, gross!"
btw, I think he aims right for me.

Jersey Girl in DC said...

You crack me up! You just addressed all my fears as we're preparing for baby. It's also nice to hear that someone else was worried (grossed out) about the same things.

Princess of Power said...

Tears are streaming down my face right now, especially with the rectal thermometer part. I am 5.5 month pregnant with our first and JUST love these new mom posts. Thanks for being honest.

Woman Interrupted said...

And you realize "I can do this..."

But don't go trying to wipe some other kids're genetically programmed to handle your own, but someone else's...NEVER.

Anonymous said...

And you have not lived until you need to change your underwear because it is soaked with spit up! Once Ellie even squirted poop across the room when she sneezed while I was changing her diaper! Does the fun of being a mom ever end? I think not!
:-) Heather T.

Anonymous said...

As gross as this is, it's a short blip that passes quickly!

A very funny and honest post! Loved it.

juliet said...

Megan, this is hilarious! thanks for sharing and hang in there, next week is around the corner :)

SAS said...

I swear our girls are just the same. I've been fighting Lilly for a couple of hours to get her to sleep. Now it's time to feed again!

Lor said...

So funny, so true!!

Amy said...

Honey, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Just wait until she's eating solid foods - now those are some nasty poopy diapers!
Tip: if you find yourself gagging, start humming - you will stop gagging and actually feel better!

Also, take comfort in knowing that you are getting the highest possible temperature with the rectal therm. A degree or 2 can make all the difference with a sick baby - think about how you are doing the very best thing for her care - it is never wrong (the butt doesn't lie, so to speak!) If
Good luck!

The Kanter's said...

As Lachlan has gotten older, his sleep has gotten better at night. Trust me it was not like this before. He would wake up every 2-3 hours without fail and I was so tired. What I think helps is having a routine every night. Also by 10 weeks our pediatrician said it was okay to let him cry it out since he is such a big boy. I didn't let him cry endlessly but I did let him cry for a few minutes at a time before I reentered the room to stroke his hair and his belly and tell him how much I love him. I tried this during his nap time and that night he slept longer and better. Not every night is like that and sometimes he needs a little help soothing with a binkie but I am comfortable with that right now.

So the moral of my novel to you :), is that it does get better and she will sleep longer. The first 3 months are the hardest and you don't have much longer to go. You're doing great!

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