37 Weeks and a Letter

Dear Little N.,
I was driving home in the dark from dinner with a newly pregnant friend last night and thought about you the whole way. My head swirled with many thoughts, but mostly about the fact that you are indeed a tiny little person inside my tummy who I am going to meet in about 2 weeks thanks to a pending induction. I wondered what you will look like, what you will feel like, and what your personality will be like. Everything began to feel so real and so profound. I've been scared to let myself get excited. You are almost here though and I'm allowing that excitement to seep in.
As I was driving, on the radio, the song "Lightning Crashes" by Live came on. It always seems to come on when I'm going through some sort big thing in my head. Like a sign from the angels reminding me of the miracles of life and the "bigness" of it all. That song never fails to move me to tears. I think about endings and beginnings and all the moments in between. Sometimes I worry about life ending too soon with all my intentions along with it. There's nothing more sad to me. I also think about new beginnings; like your impending birth, and all the possibilities your (and our) future holds.
Here are the lyrics for you to read; they discuss how while one old mother dies in one part of the hospital (her children are grown and she's lived a full life, albeit one with things left undone or unsaid); there is a birth for a young new mother in another part of that same hospital. Everything she has waited for is just beginning. The cycle of life is ever present and bigger than all of us.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now to the baby down the hall

oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored eyes,
contains the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide

I've carried you in my belly all this time; keeping you safe and warm and fed. I've been endlessly aware of how your arrival is going to permanently change the lives of your sister, Daddy, and Mommy in such a profound and exciting way. Sure, I've been nervous and scared. But not about YOU. Just about what it means for me to give you and your sister my ALL. Will I be enough? I hope so. I don't want to let you down, ever. I'm so excited to peer down at your little face and get to know you. To look in your pale blue colored eyes and see the circle of life. I'm excited to include you into our family forevermore. What is to come?

Your sister is thrilled you are coming. She talks a lot about being able to give you a bottle and help you sit in your high chair; even if that isn't for a while yet. She's also excited to pick out your outfits and help with your diapers. Isn't that nice? You'll have to remember that when you feel like giving her a hard time. Your Daddy has been endlessly excited about you coming; he loves to think about all the fun we will all have together.

Physically, this pregnancy has been very hard. I haven't known pain like this…Torn labrum in my hip, sciatica in my back/both legs, rashes, routine pregnancy pain, etc. etc. But I know it will be worth it in the end if it means there is YOU. The past several months have been a roller coaster of emotions ranging from excitement, fear, anticipation, anxiety and happiness. What a ride! As we get closer to your arrival date, I'm feeling a deeper sense of peace and calm. I know I can do this now. You are on my side; I've felt all your little kicks and punches at the same times each day reminding me that you are here and you are ok. You are loved Little N. So very loved. Beautiful boy, I'm so lucky to get to be your Mama; that I've been blessed with the treasure that is YOU. I hope you love being with me (and us) too. Now come out already! We're ready to start our adventures with you!
Love you always and forever,
Mama

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