Friday, May 22, 2009

The freak out

Hi friends! Here is a warning: profanity is ahead.
So, yesterday I lost my shit. Yes, I couldn't find it anywhere. You'd think my shit would stay firmly where it belonged, but nope, I lost it. I'd also call it "throwing a nutty" but nobody says that anymore, do they? The morning started out normal enough. After breakfast, Paige went into the carrier (the Ergo Baby front carrier) and out we went with the dog. After a few errands, she started to get wiggly and fussy so I took her out. And the crying began. She would not settle no matter what I did. And after about a half-hour of crying, it escalated to tantrum screaming. Blood-curdling screams. She was so worked up that she wasn't even able to gasp to take in a breath anymore. I started to cry because nothing I was doing would help. NOTHING. I then was yelling "What do you want!!!! I'm TRYING TO HELP YOU!!!! WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO!!!!!?????" OF course she didn't know what the hell I was saying. Finally, as a last resort, I made a bottle for her. It had only been 2 hours since she'd eaten, but I figured maybe she was in a growth spurt or something. She instantly calmed and relaxed and happily ate the whole thing, slowly and normally. She started to fall asleep when it was done and all of a sudden SPLOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHH!!! The whole thing came back up and out. All over me, the pillow, herself, her whole face and her whole outfit and diaper. It was dripping off her eyelashes. She looked so stunned. I quickly mopped up what I could off her and brought her up to change her, etc. I started to get upset again...the one outfit that fits me for summer was now ruined for the day and it was supposed to be over 90 degrees out. All of my maternity stuff is for winter. At least the bottoms are. UGH. I peeled my clothes off since they were soaked and tended to her. She then spit up AGAIN all over the new outfit and diaper. A LOT of spit up. She started screaming again. Once changed AGAIN, she promptly spit up again all over the changing pad and the floor. ARGGGGG!!!!!! Her loud screams could be heard in Guam and I started to cry again. Here I am, half naked with my sagging belly flopping around and my plentiful stretch-marks angrily taunting me...everything smelling like Similac and gooey messes are everywhere. She was screaming, I was crying and trying to keep my shit together. Then, the friggin' dog starts begging at the door to go out and kept JUMPING and JUMPING and JUMPING at the door. What the F??? Anyhoo, she finally stopped spitting up, I was able to change her again and I found a clean outfit to throw on. The dog got out (and promptly begged to come right back in which pissed me right off). Paige kept fussing though and I finally just lost it. I was crying so hysterically. I was so tired and frustrated. I'd been up so early and just wanted some more sleep. And now, it was early afternoon and I wanted a nap so badly but she would not let me put her down. I couldn't even put her on my chest. She wanted me sitting up straight and she wanted to be on my shoulder as I sat vertically. My arms were sore from holding her up but once I put her down she would go hysterical, unable to breathe. After calling my husband in a crying panic, he eventually left work early to get home. He sent me off to shower, go buy some clothes that fit, and spend some time out alone. (a first in over 3 weeks!) My Mom also consoled me over the phone and did a lot of nice coaching and encouraging...as did my best friend. She gave me some words of wisdom "There's a reason they say Motherhood (and parenthood) is the hardest job in the world." When I went out to Target to get some new clothes, I tried on a whole pile of things and nothing fit. My old size, a 4, was out of the question. I'd been buying size 6 stuff in maternity and that wasn't working either. After several depressing rounds in the dressing room, I found I am a size 10 in their clothing. A big difference from what I was once used to! I only found 3 things that looked ok and fit. 2 skirts and 1 pair of shorts. I stared at my body in the dressing room mirror and cried. I could see every one of the zillion stretch marks that adorn my torso...butt, hips, thighs, tummy, boobs...you name it. My extra belly skin hung over the top of my underwear. My face was pale and the dark circles under my eyes were getting deeper and more hollow. Who the hell was this person?? UGH. So, I gathered the things I was going to buy and shuffled out to the register feeling a little defeated. Once back in the car, I cried again and then that was it. I decided that I need to try my best to love the body that gave me my Paige. It worked hard for it to happen and I need to be proud of it. With some time, I'll be able to find a way to get more exercise and things will be ok. And when Paige screams like that, I need to be able to set her down in her crib or safe place and walk away for a few minutes in a quiet room to pull myself together. I have so much to learn. But I wanted to share this day with you all to show that things aren't always roses and sunshine and it is hard. But, even at Target while I was staring at the shorts that wouldn't zip, I missed Paige. I yearned to get home to her and my husband. Hopefully today will be better. But I need to remember that each day is new and different and I need to roll with the punches. The laundry did get done. Dinner was eaten. Shopping happened. A break was had. All thanks to my amazing husband. Today is a new day. What will it bring? Who knows, but I DO know when those wide eyes look up at me while I feed her I will melt and all those angry and frustrated feelings will disappear again. And so we go on!

19 comments :

Lor said...

Aww Megan, this post makes me so sad. I know it will sound stupid but things will get better in terms of body/size etc. At least you have time to lose weight before this summer (think about me giving birth on July 17th!) and maybe go in the sun, walk, take some exercise. I recently was surprised to find out I fitted in clothes I had not been wearing in more than a year and I am sure you will too.
As for the changing 3 times and so (diapers/clothes etc.), this is SO frustrating and unbearable when one is tired. I could FEEL so strongly every detail here, oh my God! Come on, this post will soon make you laugh, but come on, you are doing great. (Being tired is the toughest thing in the world!)

Erin said...

The early baby days are just not easy at all, and none of the platitudes I could offer would be much help. When I was first home with my little guy someone told me to consider it a good day if I had managed to get my teeth brushed, so the fact that you got some laundry done and ate dinner means you are way ahead of the game.
Plus, you have the best attitude - "one day at a time." And sooner than you think this will all be a hazy distant memory.
Plus soon it will be nice and hot and Paige can probably get by wearing a diaper - which is a lot easier to clean. ;)
Stay strong!

DangAndBlast! said...

Thanks for not covering up the not-shiny-happy times, for those of us yet to experience motherhood! Reminds me of a story my mother tells, of when my sister was born and colicky, and I was two and having night terrors (screaming all night for no apparent reason), and she was out in El Paso with no one around except a very busy husband ... and she called her mother, saying, "you need to come out here, or I'm going to kill these babies." My grandmother came out, all's well, nobody's dead :) But it's good to remember you can ask for relief! Sounds like the husband's very helpful and understanding.

Joy said...

Ugh...so sorry about your day...I'm not looking forward to those, I KNOW I will be stressed out. And just so you know...there is NO WAY I would shop at target for clothes after just having a baby...even if I found things that fit...I always look way fatter in their mirrors...for whatever reason...so I'm not going to even attempt!

Stephanie said...

Megan - I think it was so important that you shared this. Of course, for some reason (hormones probably), I totally teared up while reading this because I know that I will react in exactly the same way. And I can only imagine how disheartening it was to buy clothes way bigger than you're used to, but it's only been 3 weeks (I know, I know, easy for me to say). Sounds like Chris really got you through it though. Take care of yourself. xoxo

Lisa Joy said...

Megan, I feel your pain! My 2.5 year old Madeline drove me to tears this week as well. Thank you for reminding me of the *truth* of what some days are like in newborn-land. We're expecting #2 in October and after awhile those early days all become hazy and you forget all that goes on...so now I can gear myself up again! :-)

Also, thank you for your vulnerability and honesty about your losses. I found you blog through Ohdeedoh, but your words about miscarriage really touched me. I've also had 3 losses, including our son who was stillborn at 23 weeks, so I know the anxiety and also hope that comes with each pregnancy.

Hang in there...these crazy days shall pass! :-)

Lisa (lisacookers.blogspot.com)

Wanderluster said...

I'm sitting here in a room overrun with baby stuff, babe on my breast, spit up on my shoulder, wearing last night's pajamas. Needless to say, I know just how you're feeling! But you're right, seeing that little smile on my baby's face makes it all worth it. Enjoy it because these days will pass too quickly :)

Anonymous said...

I have loved reading your blog for some time now...it has been wonderful to share your life and your story. this one as well. my kids are all bigger now (my oldest is 15!) and I still have these days! it is the part of motherhood that a lot of people just never talk about. but it is just as important as all the gushy parts. I always felt that I was the only one that had these days happen because everyone else only talked about how lovely everything was...but nope. now I know that these days are pretty normal. just know that there will be days where things will just all seem to go right and you will feel like you can burst from how lucky you are to be able to be someone's mother. days that you were just so happy to be alive and sharing with your kids. you can't have the good without the bad I suppose. it is important to make your "me time" even if it is just a cup of tea. don't feel guilty, it will keep you sane! oh, and I say pitch a nutty all the time. it makes my kids laugh and then they stop!

poohza.typepad.com

Jersey Girl in DC said...

Target lighting/dressing rooms are HORRIBLE! Next time, treat yourself and go to Ann Taylor Loft. I always feel better trying clothes on there :) The lighting's better, the clothes fit better, and even though it is a bit pricer, I find that my clothes last longer from there and I get a lot more use out of them.

p.s. The crying and spitting up terrifies me. Hang in there!

juliet said...

you should just know, mirrors at Target are the WORST! I've learned my lesson to never try things on there. I know I'm not in the best shape these days, but if I dare to try something on at target, i always feel like crying. So hang in there, all will pass. Like everything-there are ups and downs! Its just keeping the Ups in mind that help out with the downs ;)

Anonymous said...

Alimentum formula. Cures colic. Our youngest would throw up and scream for hours, too, and it was because her body couldn't digest regular formula yet. Try it for a week and see if it helps. If it does, you should be able to switch to a cheaper formula after about two months.

--Soper

Chantelle said...

It's such early days!

I told myself that I wouldn't give myself a hard time until after 3 months.

I think it's just a matter of sheer survival before then. xx

thestamfordwife said...

GIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRLLLLL, you're SOOOO not alone. I was just there (almost EXACT scenario, except I stepped in cat puke on my way to the washing machine with my spit-uppy clothes and my bed spread in hand) a few weeks ago! OMG, you just feel like a crazy woman, right? Those first weeks are like baby boot camp. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have some "me" time in those early days. Even if it's just an hour to shower and blow dry your hair. I remember feeling guilty for wanting "me" time, but after I realized that getting away made me feel better and therefore I was a better mommy as a result. Hang in there...it does get easier!

alicia said...

ohhh hugs! can i tell you i have been there, many times! I am a lunatic megan! Ivy has spent so much time in inconsolable crying that it is driving me batty! don't worry you are doing the best you can, sometimes these babies just scream! I am starting to just let her be for a while when she is like that. I just put her somewhere safe and let her cry for 10 minutes while I go and get something done around the house, it is hard to hear her cry like that, but i know nothing is wrong with her, she is just fussy! so hard I know, HUGS!

mrs.deane said...

Dear Megan, sister and member of the mommy club :O) I just want to give you the biggest hug and tell you that you are not alone and that you are so normal.

With each of my children, and I've been blessed with two sons and a daughter thus far, I have had at least one of these emotional breakdowns. For me, it was a lesson in being humble and learning to accept help from others. I think it all has to do with coming to realize that you really can't do it all yourself, no matter how hard you try. I've only made it through with God's grace.

As mothers (especially new ones) we want to be superhuman. We want to be able to do it all - and look good doing it. We want to keep our home looking like a pottery barn catalog spread, not like a nightly news story of a home that's been destroyed because someone drove their car through it. We want to serve a beautiful and delicious meal that we put that special ingredient of love into, not a $6.99 roast chicken from the grocery store or a frozen pizza or leftovers. We want to keep the baby clothes perfectly folded or hanging up, not covered with dried spit up from the night (or two nights) before. And of course, we want to smell good (and to have our babies smell freshly washed - Burt's Bees baby wash is my favorite smell, now that I don't use Baby Magic anymore so as to go the more natural route), we want to feel sexy - even in our nursing bras (with nursing pads!) and underwear that just won't fit no matter what...

No doubt about it, it's a tough period of time to go through. But, this too shall pass, darling. And that's meant to be encouraging, as well as a reminder to embrace and live in the time you are in while you're in it. Your baby will grow so fast, and soon she'll be walking and wanting her independence, which will probably be as bitter sweet for you as it has been for many other mommies before you.

My son suffered from reflux (which it sounds like your baby girl might have, if it's not simply colic). I do have this little secret to pass along that has ALWAYS worked whenever my kids go bonkers on me with the screaming and the barfing and the "please don't cry like that or somebody'll think I'm torturing my brand new baby" cry. Get into a nice warm shower with your baby. Just hold her in your arms as the water runs on her back. Then as she calms and her head starts to rest on you, turn and run the water on your head and back (but be careful not to allow your boobs to make a little pool for your baby to start drowning in!). If you're worried about dropping her, put a handtowel over your shoulder which will give a less slippery surface. I can't tell you how many times this saved me a crying fit of my own. I hope it will work for you if you ever need to try it.

Hugs and prayers for you as you are just starting out. Some things will get easier, and some will get harder, but, the love always grows and grows, as long as you keep dishing it out. Sorry this got long :(

Susan

www.dreamshoppe.blogspot.com

b.a. said...

i know you probably feel like the only woman in the world with stretch marks. (do ANY women in magazines have them?!!!) well, i have them, too. so there's at least two of us.
it's been two years and i'm on my 2nd pregnancy and i'm still not used to them. it makes you feel selfish when you dwell on them because you know it was just part of bringing that beautiful baby into the world.
but they still suck.
they'll fade and not be so glaring and angry but i know it's hard to even look at them in the beginning.
even though we don't know each other, i just wanted you to know i empathize so deeply.

Anonymous said...

Reading your post brought me back to those tough, tough days of having newborn. It gets better every day, but make sure you do these things: get sleep very moment that you can, talk many walks (exercise and get out of the house), and let your husband help even if he doesn't do it exactly the way you would do it. These things make all the difference in the world. Instead of blogging, emailing, etc., get sleep! Let your husband do all the stuff that doesn't require your involvement. Let your husband help with the baby even if you are not comfortable with it. Kudos to your husband for sending you out of the house the other day!

Don't worry about your body, it takes a while for all the extra fluids, pregnancy weight, etc. to come off.

As for the spitting up, my baby spit up constantly during months 2 and 3. We found out that she had a very sensitive gag reflex so any little milk that came up into her esophagus caused her to throw everything up. Our solution was to feed her a little less each time, make sure we got a good burp with each feeding, and to keep her elevated after each feeding.

This what you described in this post is a normal day in the life of a new mom! Get sleep, get excercise and let hubby help!

Good Luck!

Tidbits and Snippets said...

I enjoyed your "freak out" post... my sweet baby trey is 2 months and I've had similar experiences as you. He has COLIC and Acid Reflux and a Milk Allergy....and my precious pug, Lola, who is only 4 went blind all in one day! Thats alot of "shit" for one person! Anyhow..when you have time checkout my blog, I have a similar post about Target....ahh...who would have thought that getting out to Target would feel like you've actually accomplished something for the day.
www.tidbitsandsnippets.blogspot.com

SAS said...

A friend sent me your blog. We have many similar stories. We had our first little girl on May 8th and since day 1 she has been fussy. the hospital was a nightmare...big time. We stopped taking visitors because I was so overwhelmed. She is now 4 weeks old and it is getting better but she still cries a lot. Nothing seemed to work except my arms for a while. We finally found a swing she likes. We also figured out she has colic and we have been to the chiropractor 3 times. Although he hasn't cured her it has helped. I have enjoyed reading your blog and sharing your emotions because I have them too. I am private but if you want an invite email me at sabigailw@hotmaildotcom.

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