Hi friends! Here is a warning: profanity is ahead.
So, yesterday I lost my shit. Yes, I couldn't find it anywhere. You'd think my shit would stay firmly where it belonged, but nope, I lost it. I'd also call it "throwing a nutty" but nobody says that anymore, do they? The morning started out normal enough. After breakfast, Paige went into the carrier (the Ergo Baby front carrier) and out we went with the dog. After a few errands, she started to get wiggly and fussy so I took her out. And the crying began. She would not settle no matter what I did. And after about a half-hour of crying, it escalated to tantrum screaming. Blood-curdling screams. She was so worked up that she wasn't even able to gasp to take in a breath anymore. I started to cry because nothing I was doing would help. NOTHING. I then was yelling "What do you want!!!! I'm TRYING TO HELP YOU!!!! WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO!!!!!?????" OF course she didn't know what the hell I was saying. Finally, as a last resort, I made a bottle for her. It had only been 2 hours since she'd eaten, but I figured maybe she was in a growth spurt or something. She instantly calmed and relaxed and happily ate the whole thing, slowly and normally. She started to fall asleep when it was done and all of a sudden SPLOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHH!!! The whole thing came back up and out. All over me, the pillow, herself, her whole face and her whole outfit and diaper. It was dripping off her eyelashes. She looked so stunned. I quickly mopped up what I could off her and brought her up to change her, etc. I started to get upset again...the one outfit that fits me for summer was now ruined for the day and it was supposed to be over 90 degrees out. All of my maternity stuff is for winter. At least the bottoms are. UGH. I peeled my clothes off since they were soaked and tended to her. She then spit up AGAIN all over the new outfit and diaper. A LOT of spit up. She started screaming again. Once changed AGAIN, she promptly spit up again all over the changing pad and the floor. ARGGGGG!!!!!! Her loud screams could be heard in Guam and I started to cry again. Here I am, half naked with my sagging belly flopping around and my plentiful stretch-marks angrily taunting me...everything smelling like Similac and gooey messes are everywhere. She was screaming, I was crying and trying to keep my shit together. Then, the friggin' dog starts begging at the door to go out and kept JUMPING and JUMPING and JUMPING at the door. What the F??? Anyhoo, she finally stopped spitting up, I was able to change her again and I found a clean outfit to throw on. The dog got out (and promptly begged to come right back in which pissed me right off). Paige kept fussing though and I finally just lost it. I was crying so hysterically. I was so tired and frustrated. I'd been up so early and just wanted some more sleep. And now, it was early afternoon and I wanted a nap so badly but she would not let me put her down. I couldn't even put her on my chest. She wanted me sitting up straight and she wanted to be on my shoulder as I sat vertically. My arms were sore from holding her up but once I put her down she would go hysterical, unable to breathe. After calling my husband in a crying panic, he eventually left work early to get home. He sent me off to shower, go buy some clothes that fit, and spend some time out alone. (a first in over 3 weeks!) My Mom also consoled me over the phone and did a lot of nice coaching and encouraging...as did my best friend. She gave me some words of wisdom "There's a reason they say Motherhood (and parenthood) is the hardest job in the world." When I went out to Target to get some new clothes, I tried on a whole pile of things and nothing fit. My old size, a 4, was out of the question. I'd been buying size 6 stuff in maternity and that wasn't working either. After several depressing rounds in the dressing room, I found I am a size 10 in their clothing. A big difference from what I was once used to! I only found 3 things that looked ok and fit. 2 skirts and 1 pair of shorts. I stared at my body in the dressing room mirror and cried. I could see every one of the zillion stretch marks that adorn my torso...butt, hips, thighs, tummy, boobs...you name it. My extra belly skin hung over the top of my underwear. My face was pale and the dark circles under my eyes were getting deeper and more hollow. Who the hell was this person?? UGH. So, I gathered the things I was going to buy and shuffled out to the register feeling a little defeated. Once back in the car, I cried again and then that was it. I decided that I need to try my best to love the body that gave me my Paige. It worked hard for it to happen and I need to be proud of it. With some time, I'll be able to find a way to get more exercise and things will be ok. And when Paige screams like that, I need to be able to set her down in her crib or safe place and walk away for a few minutes in a quiet room to pull myself together. I have so much to learn. But I wanted to share this day with you all to show that things aren't always roses and sunshine and it is hard. But, even at Target while I was staring at the shorts that wouldn't zip, I missed Paige. I yearned to get home to her and my husband. Hopefully today will be better. But I need to remember that each day is new and different and I need to roll with the punches. The laundry did get done. Dinner was eaten. Shopping happened. A break was had. All thanks to my amazing husband. Today is a new day. What will it bring? Who knows, but I DO know when those wide eyes look up at me while I feed her I will melt and all those angry and frustrated feelings will disappear again. And so we go on!