Friday, November 20, 2009
I'm watching the last of the leaves fall from the trees outside my window. It's such a dreary and rainy day. The kind where you stay in your sweats all day and wander around the house tending to the small things. I wanted to share a thought with you: I've found that becoming a mother has forced me to look back on my life's happiest moments to relive them in my mind and ponder about how to make Paige's childhood just as happy. Over the past months I have found myself having vivid dreams of the wonderous places I spent summers in my childhood in Maine...swimming and snorkeling in lakes (all day with a quick break to shove a sandwich in my mouth at lunch)...enjoying the sand at the beach and playing in the waves at the ocean...spending special times with family now long passed on....dreaming of my Grandfather's house and each room in it so vividly I can smell it and feel the cold windowpane in my Mom's old bedroom pressed against my little cheek. I wake up from these dreams feeling sad and missing these times and places. Sometimes my heart aches and I shed a tear or two. As most of you know, I've been visiting with a therapist to deal with my post-partem depression and I couldn't help but open up to her about all of these feelings...to discuss my fierce ties to those who are gone and the memories tied to those people and places. You know what she said? That it's normal. That lots of people who've had babies suddenly find themselves evaluating and remembering their own childhoods as they embark on making plans for their own childrens' futures. She also said it's normal to miss (more than usual) all of those people who were once in our lives because we love them and wish they were here to see our children and share in that joy. Well, in a big way, I feel that they are here with me when they want to be and are able to share and see Paige. I just wish I could SEE them sharing it! :) She also mentioned that having a child is a sort of door closing on our own younger lives and we have to mourn the closing of that chapter. At least I can see it all over again through Paige's eyes (a cliche, I know...but still true) and I can recapture the same joy in watching her. Since talking about this issue I've felt so much better and the dreams have started to become lesser, and I feel a strength in moving forward that I hadn't had before. I'm so excited for all the NEW fun times we will all have together and wonder what joyous things are in store. Thanks, as always, for letting me share this little tidbit with you! Be well.
P.S. Here is a photo of Paige in her snazzy knit hat our bloggie friend Allyson made her.