Ugh. My pressing anxiety is back in full force. I wish it weren't so. At least I'm not also feeling depressed, so that's something!
It hit me like a wave...slowly until I finally realized it was happening when it crashed over my head and sent me underwater. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning and hopefully I'll come away with some medication that will make life manageable again. I so enjoy my life when I feel good. But every little thing is entirely overwhelming at the moment (and for the past while) and it sends me into fits of rage and frustration at the slightest things. Then, I feel guilty for yelling at P or freaking out at the dog. They don't deserve that. sigh. I wish it were something I could control. I've worked so hard at trying all the calming techniques I know. It truly is a chemical imbalance that I'm no match for.
God is helping me though. After crying a lot last night and praying, a thought popped into my head this morning. "I trusted My angels to your care while they are on Earth; I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think you were fit." Thank you, God. And, by the way, I have many friends that are looking forward to caring for more of Your angels if you want to send them along to wonderful Earlthly homes...but you know that already. I know you have big plans in motion.
I'm really looking forward to feeling like myself again and like I can DO things. (All I have been able to do is TALK about doing things). I'm looking forward to participating in life again once it doesn't feel like too much to handle.
Besides, I can't miss out on relishing moments like THIS can I?
5 comments :
oh no! i really hope the Dr can get you back to you! it is so hard functioning when you are not feeling yourself. i have been going through this myself and with A LOT of work I think i am over coming it, but it is soo so sucky. hugs
Mmm, sounds familiar... I sometimes yell at my eldest because I fell stressed, and then I am all guilty...
I end up reminding her how much I love her and explaining it is not easy to have a baby AND a big girl, I think she understands some of it...
sending virtual hugs your way! hope you are feeling better soon.
I read your blog all the time, but generally just comment when you bring up anxiety...as that is something we have in commom, unfortunately! Just want you to know that I so understand your anxiety...you WILL have better days!! In the throws of anxiety, it's so hard to realize that it will soon pass, but it always does. For whatever it's worth, I think you're doing an awesome job as a mommy of two beautiful kiddos :) I'll say a prayer for you!!
When I had my son I was not expecting to have depression afterwards. I thank GOD and my doctor for getting me through the super tough months (and Zoloft). It was so hard to wake up and look at my son and not feel anything. Well fast forward almost a year and we are expecting again. I am preparing for the darkness to return but praying that it doesn't. Thank you for all of your honesty!
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