Gardening with the family

This spring we planted gardens...there were gardens when we moved here two summers ago but we let it go since we had no clue what was going on. Ha! Neither Chris nor I are gardeners and we know nothing. But, we decided to try and learn and we bought a bunch of seedlings of our favorite vegetables and have been giving it a whirl. Do you garden? What's your favorite thing to grow?





 

 We are cutting our lettuces now (amongst an array of other things!) and it tastes like magic.
Here's to having no clue what we're doing but enjoying it anyway!

 

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Depression during pregnancy, My Story

Here's a vlog I quickly put together regarding my antepartum depression because I just couldn't fathom typing out the whole story! Lazy, or genius? I'm sorry this post is so late! I have much to update you on, so I bet more vlogs will be coming your way asap! (It's so much faster than typing and much more fun!) Excuse my messy bed. Making it wasn't a priority today. Too bad! :)

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Abstract Landscape of Motherhood

Hi friends!

Lately I've been working hard to juggle being an artist with being an at home mom. Boy, do I suck at it! LOL!
Trying to put your full attention on several things at once has been a recipe for disaster in terms of stress, frustration, anxiety and overall dis-ease. SIGH!!!!
Something always falls to the side...the kids, or my art, the household tasks, my relationship with my awesome husband, or my sanity. It's something I pray about all the time and have been experimenting with for the past 2 years.
I've sort of come to the conclusion that there's no easy way to do it all or do it all well. SO, I've made a deal with myself to just set my art career onto the back burner until I can devote more time to it. Once the kids are in school, I will have more time devote the proper attention to my goals. It's not fair for me or on anyone else that I try and push a square peg into a round hole. This means that I am going to paint and create when the mood strikes during free time as a hobby. I will be cooking up ideas on the side when there's room to spare. This will free me from my own personal constraints and pressures and get me back to focusing on what matters most to me...the well-being of my children, our home, and my mental health.
It's hard because I WANT to be able to do it all, but I need to have the strength to admit that I'm not able to do it right now. I have to give myself permission to wait and be ok with it. In that spirit, I did some painting on Saturday and these are what I came out with:

"Early Summer Countryside" 20 x 20 inches, acrylic on gallery-wrapped canvas


"The Storm Lifts" 7x5 inches, acrylic on gallery-wrapped canvas


Both are abstract; a style I am embracing with all its surprises. I love to show the mood of a scene through light and color. The landscape is always changing depending on the sky, the weather, and the time of year. That is the beauty of nature and it's just so fascinating.
I've come to know that I want all of the art I make to bring joy and peace to someone else. It's that simple. Through my prints, my paintings or my cards I have a way to share a thought or image that might lift someone else up in some way and that is a wonderful blessing.
I hope you are well!!!

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Deliberate Motherhood: Patience, dear mother

 Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! March's theme is "Patience."

When I think about the month's theme "Patience" my mind obviously goes straight to how little of it I can have during the day toward my kids for one crazy reason or another. I'm happy to say I'm getting better and my patience levels have steadily grown. They aren't fully where I'd like them to be, but I'm making progress!
But, I'd like to talk about how patience relates to the bigger picture in terms of how a woman's life changes when she becomes a mother. And it is felt right away during the first night with a child...the lack of sleep. No longer are you able to just say "Phew! I'm tired, I'm off to bed now!" You feel tiredness down to your bones but can do nothing about it when you have a little one to care for and who needs you. You must have patience and know that sleep will come; just not NOW.

And it goes on like this as time marches forward. As a mother, there have been so many of my own personal desires, wishes, and even needs that have had to be set aside for the sake of spending appropriate and quality time with my kids. Furthermore, when children are ill, our lives get put on hold as we care for them and nurse them back to health.
Here are some things I've set aside:
-my daily reading habit (books and magazines are getting dusty!)
-my creation of paintings and drawings
-my hobby of photography
-my hobby of letterpressing stationery
-my interests in family history research
-watching favorite tv shows or movies in favor of getting much needed sleep

This, over time, can become very taxing on the spirit. You can start to feel like a servant. Like your own personal interests and goals simply don't matter. How long are you expected to patiently set your personal goals and dreams aside without any relief? This can then become depressing; making one feel sad, lost, unfulfilled, and restless.

When you aren't able to participate in personal joyful pursuits due to duties to the family, it can cause your patience levels to plummet. It's easy to become bitter, frustrated, and just burned out.

I've found the answer is easy: just do it. Make a list of your favorite activities and find a way to work them into the week during slivers of time here and there. Even just one or two little things are a balm to the tired soul. Here's my own example: I had put making my art waaaaaaay on the back burner when my kids came along. I used to spend full days designing, concepting, and creating. Full days? Ha! Knowing I didn't have this kind of time, I just stopped. Recently I had been feeling so lost without my joyful activity of creating, so I decided that even 10 minutes would have to suffice. And it does! Now, during Noah's morning nap, I try to carve out at least a half hour to sit and focus on a project. I know I won't finish, but I feel such satisfaction from starting something; working toward something that is MINE. And as the days go by, that project eventually gets completed and I get that rush of pride I'd come to miss. Sometimes I don't get to spend that time. Sometimes I only get a few minutes. I've learned to become more satisfied with the small bits of time that I CAN make my own and I'm so much happier because of it. I now have a whole bunch of my own art prints to show for it at my Me and Wee shop. Yay!
When children come into our lives, we get so many wonderful gifts from them. And it is important to remember that we were our own people before children, and will be long after they move away from us. We have to continue to feed our dreams. Please don't get me wrong. I LOVE being with my family. I love caring for my children. They feed my soul in a whole other way. I feel so lucky to be their mother and that I get to make memories with them. But, like anything, too much of a good thing...well, you get the point.
It takes a great amount of patience and restraint to be a mother. It isn't easy. But reward yourself and your patience levels with those nuggets of personal joyful activity and everything else will suddenly seem a bit easier.

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Deliberate Motherhood: Patience

My last post told a story about a complete breakdown of my temper. It's a pretty common issue and that particular story taught me so much about myself and my own issues with patience.

When we are tired, we don't think clearly. We are in a sort of survival mode and make quick decisions based on how quickly it can get us back to bed. Letting the Mutsy issue get to that point in the first place was the first problem. We should have taken the stuffed dog away as soon as Paige cried more than once for us to come in her room. Not letting it go on for a week would have kept our anger from rising about it.

What else did I learn from the situation? Well, I learned that Paige is not a calm and cool thinker in the middle of the night either. It would have been much more peaceful if I'd just switched her jammies altogether right away rather than try to prove a point and teach her a lesson. It was the middle of the night, after all.

The most important thing I learned is that by yelling at my daughter, I had lost control of myself. And because of this the situation got out of hand and Paige was screaming and writhing around. I escalated the entire situation by yelling. A three-year old cannot control her emotions yet. It is my job to remain calm and model the correct behavior. But, I lost my temper and made the whole thing way worse. If I were to do it again, I would grit my teeth and calmly change her jammies. The whole melt down could have been avoided (and even eliminated the need for me to go find a damned wipe which means less work on my end).
When we lose our temper, it can create undue stress. We all know losing our patience can cause us to blow simple situations way out of proportion.
Since that fight, I've learned to notice when I feel myself losing my patience. I stop. I breathe. I notice what is happening. Just doing that alone, I feel more calm. I can almost hear a soothing female voice inside me saying "See? You could be losing your patience, but you will not let a three year old get the best of you. Just calmly walk to your nearest exit and do not run."
Now, I look at my daughter and remember that she's just a baby and learning to navigate through her feelings. It's my job to remain the captain of the ship and calmly steer the course to smooth waters. If the situation at hand warrants a punishment, I send her to the naughty step without fanfare. If I'm simply frustrated, then I tell her that I'm feeling frustrated and need to take a few deep breaths. We both stay calm and she learns how she can handle her own frustration. Win-win.
How do you maintain your patience?

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Deliberate Motherhood: Patience at 2am

 Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! March's theme is "Patience."


Whoa! Here we are almost at the end of March and I haven't done any Deliberate Motherhood posts. Why? I've been busy being a deliberate mother. I've  had some sick kids, had a lot of awake nights and I took a few days away for some "me time." There have been many moments that I've had to reflect on this month's theme of "patience." More moments than I'd like to count! I think the first step to thinking about patience is to notice when I'm losing mine. There are usually trigger events and they escalate.
 Everyone knows that patience can be hard to come by when you are a parent. Every day throws a fresh host of problems to solve; many of them amidst a flurry of screaming and crying and broken dreams: "Mama, you are breaking my heart when you don't let me watch more Blues Clues!" 
I never quite realized how taxed my temper could get until recently.
Thank goodness things are much better since this following story...
Paige had been waking up several times nightly...crying for me to put her stuffed dog "Mutsy" on her back "just so." She wanted the darn paws hugging her neck in a specific way. And every night I would hiss about it to her, threatening to take all her lovies out of bed and other punishments. But she continued to wake us crying throughout each night. I was always too tired to carry out my threats because I just wanted to get right back to bed. One night,  In the blur of 2:30 am (I'd already gotten up for Mutsy issues before) I stumbled into her room and fixed the darned stuffed dog in hopes we could get back to sleep.  But then she said "but I'm thiiiirsty now! Can I have a drink please?" So, I went with her into the bathroom so she could get a drink. As she gulped the water, a bit splashed out onto her jammie shirt. I didn't think much of it and off we went back to her room. I told her to hop back into bed and she says "but my jammies are all wet." I tried to reason with her that it was just a tiny splash, but she started to cry loudly. So, I did what any tired Mom would do. I whisked the shirt over her head and put on a new one. Anything to just get back to bed. As I motioned her to the bed, she then started wailing that the pants didn't match.
"Seriously right now!!!???" I hissed. I said "No freakin' way! Get into bed!" My voice raised to a yell She began screaming and threw herself on the floor. I about lost my damn mind. She was gonna wake up the entire house any second! She was crying and screaming and writhing on the floor. Who the hell was this kid? I was so tired and so pissed off and I seethed "you are THIS close to getting a spanking!". Now, I don't believe in spanking. We don't practice spanking in our home. I've never hit my children. I've never even threatened such a thing. And I felt SO AWFUL the second that came out of my mouth. Paige looked scared and shocked. She continued to cry (which is fair because what I'd said made everything worse) and I just grabbed a pair of jammie pants and fixed her up. She got into bed crying and yelling and then claimed she needed a wipe for her nose. GAAHHH! So, I padded across the house to find a wipe for her nose. (She didn't want a tissue, mind you, because that is too "dry.") GRUMBLE.  Wipe delivered, I tucked her in and apologized for losing my temper and saying something I didn't mean. I promised to have more patience next time and to not let myself get so angry. She seemed happy with that and I kissed her cheek. As I finally turned off the light ready to go, she said in the darkness: "Mommy? I need you to fix Mutsy around my neck."
sigh.
  

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Deliberate Motherhood: Love is in the work

 Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! February's theme is "Love."

Lately I've been so frustrated. Fussing kids.
FUSSING FUSSING FUSSING.
Mostly Noah...wandering around all day moaning and groaning, whining, clinging needing to be held for hours and hours. It grates my nerves to their nubs until I can't take it anymore and scream at him.
Then I feel like a failure Mom who can't control her temper. Breathe.
Cleaning, wiping, picking up, throwing away, more cleaning and wiping...
*pick up the baby*
Cleaning, wiping, picking up, throwing away, more cleaning and wiping...
*change the baby*
*feed the baby*
Cleaning, wiping, picking up, throwing away, more cleaning and wiping...
*play with the baby*
*pick up the baby*
Do the dishes whilst there is much crying and clinging
*pick up the baby*
Shove some laundry in the washer
*pick up the baby*
A snippet of a 2 hour window in my day that feels like it drags on forever.
My sore back groans at me. My sore hip cries at me. I'm so tired.
These are the times I pray a lot. I like to ask for help with patience, understanding, and peace. To see my life as the gift God has intended. To remember my purpose.
It usually works and I feel a warm glow in my heart radiate love all over; enough to soften my anger and frustration. I remember that I do everything I do out of love. I show my love as I wash the dishes...they hold food for those I care about most. I show my love as I do the laundry...the clean clothes adorn the bodies I helped create and love so much. I show my love as I wipe and toss and clean and pick up...keeping the home for those I love so much relatively clean and safe so they can come home and feel cozy and happy. Love is the catalyst for my current vocation of motherhood. Love is the gearwork that keeps everything ticking. Love is my motivation. Each task I do is a prayer to God and to my family that I am grateful for all I have and for how lucky I am to have them to love.

It isn't always easy to remember love when we are angry and frustrated and worn out. But, the love is there hidden in those crusty dishes (dirty from a nice meal for a little belly). It's hidden in the paint stains on the dirty clothes (messes from learning new things). It's there in the crumbs, the spills, the toys all over the floor...all reminders that love lives here. And I am so very blessed.

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Deliberate Motherhood: Using Love in our favor

 Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! February's theme is "Love."

The second chapter/"power" of the book we're studying is about Love. Specifically, it discusses the power of love in everyday life with our family. I think a lot of us take love for granted. After all, if we have a spouse or children can't we assume there is love in the equation?

It is easy to forget that love has power. And it has the power to cure many an ailment. When the day is long, the kids are fussing and I start to yell I try to remember to:
1. Stop
2. Breathe
3. Remember my mother-love
4. Hug my kids and give them a kiss (even if they are in the middle of crying.)
5. Try and say something or do something funny

This elixer almost always solves any dispute. The tensions in the room disappear and smiles replace frowns and tears. Happiness is restored. Moods are changed.  Was it magic? Partly, since love has a magical quality about it. They say love conquers all and I believe it! It's a powerful potion and there in endless quantities free for the taking.

We can forget to use love as our balm can't we? We rush around ticking things off our endless to-do lists as we try to get as much done as we can before blessed bedtime. It's easy to forget the swirling love around us and within us. If you remember it and USE it in your tasks I think you'll find things go much more smoothly. Our children are more happy and cooperative, our partner more attentive and forgiving, or life more cheerful and full. Remembering the love we have to give can make all the difference in having a happy life.

We can also apply these principles to our neighbors at the grocery store, in the line at the shop, sitting around us in the waiting room. How can we use our love to help others? We can lend a helping hand, a smile, a word of advice, forgiveness...there are so many ways to change the day for someone else and, in turn, change the day for ourselves.

I've been working on this for the past 2 months... remembering to love in the thick of turmoil wasn't easy at first. (Especially when you want to just wring someone's neck!) But it's gotten so much easier as time has gone by (thankfully!)  Love is my friend and my champion. Without it I have nothing. So, remember that love isn't just an idea. It can be a real tool to help you in your daily life if you just use it.

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More Seeing the Everyday

Seeing the Everyday, a magazine on the prosaic from seeing the everyday on Vimeo.

This topic is the stuff I'm so passionate about lately. I subscribed to this magazine and can't wait to get it! I love the part in the video about how our daily mundane moments are the glue of our life between all the big things. That glue the stuff that's important. That being said, I've really noticed how when I choose to keep a happy attitude (even when I'm most annoyed), then it really keeps the atmosphere calm and happy. The kids stay happy. All is well. The minute I get snippy or frustrated out loud to the kids, all hell breaks loose. The way we behave in the prosaic moments really make the difference. We can choose to make them fun and silly or choose to be annoyed, frustrated and rushed. hmmmm...

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How to be a great father

I love this video. I'm not Mormon, but this video really resonated with me. Our children really depend on us so faithfully for everything they need; knowing we will provide it. What a gift it is to be that person! (the message in the video is obviously that Jesus is our Father and we can know he will provide (and is providing) for us as well.) The video also paints such a lovely portrait of family life and how sacred it is. And even if you don't have your own children, you can be a loving spouse, a doting daughter or son, a loving sibling,a caring friend, etc.There are so many ways to contribute beauty to the world and make your own imprint on it in your own sacred life. This notion helps me in the day-to-day rhythms when I feel so small and invisible.

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Seeing the Everyday

THIS!!!!

The Value Of A Day from seeing the everyday on Vimeo.

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Acceptance: Love your child as she is

Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! January's theme is "Acceptance."




During the months that Paige was first starting to see therapists for her delays (back when she was around 21 months old or so) and then she was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (an autism spectrum disorder), I was struggling to understand my daughter. Was she ok? Was her personality her OWN, or was it something reflected from her "disorder?" I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what was HER or what was the delay. It took a long time to figure out what little things were just normal everyday personality traits for a 2-year old and what things were signs of her diagnosis.  I was overwhelmed and sad. This was my first baby and I had no idea what was "normal" or what was a red flag. Why was this happening? Why MY little girl? I cried a lot.
Well, after some time, peace all came down to acceptance. My daughter was a miracle. We'd waited for her for so long. She was sunny, bright, happy, silly, sweet, cute, and clever. She certainly was very smart, and knew just how to make us smile. Nothing would change that. No diagnosis would modify these things in her...so why should I let her diagnosis define her? She was still the same person.
Once I chose to accept that my daughter was perfect JUST AS SHE IS, everything fell into place. I stopped worrying so much about her future and realized she's just fine as she is. She is learning how to be more flexible, how to make friends and have social interactions with other kids, and a whole host of other skills that will enhance her life. She's doing great and she's going to be just fine.
See, sometimes our children come into the world and we expect that we have influence in who they are. It turns out, we actually have very little control in that area. We can discipline...we can guide...we can suggest...but in the end, our children reveal a little bit of themselves to us every single day. It's already been done. We have to buckle up and enjoy the ride.
Noah, I can already tell, is a more "typical" child. He engages with me easily and is pointing, waving, clapping and doing these things Paige never did. He is also very willful and loves to get into things. Paige always listened when I said "no." He just ignores me and grins. He opens every cabinet and drawer. Pushes every button he shouldn't. Ignores his toys in favor of the cable box or tv remote or telephone. Noah is his own curious person. When I get frustrated with his antics, I remember to accept him as he is. I feel gratitude for who he is; knowing that his behavior is typical and healthy.
When I accept my children, I get a rush of patience I didn't have before. My frustration can melt away to love. I'm able to see things as they really are and enjoy the moment. When they are crying, fussing, moaning and groaning all at once I accept it. I smile and know that it will be over soon...too soon. So, in essence, acceptance is a powerful tool. It can take a stressful frustrating moment and turn it into a moment of peace and forgiveness.
I accept my children every single day, as they accept ME. I'm not perfect. They are not perfect. But we accept each other's love and that is what makes our world go 'round. Accepting those around you for who they really are is a gift. It sets you free to live in the moment.
What do you accept about your loved ones? Is there something you need to accept in your life that would make things go more smoothly?

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Acceptance: Sometimes Mediocre is Good Enough

Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! January's theme is "Acceptance."

^^^Maren the Wonder Dog knows how to loaf^^^

I knew when I planned to have children that I wanted to be the best Mom I could be. I knew that I wanted my kids to have the same kind of childhood I did...magical, fun, full of love...and I was going to be the provider of all this (in my perfect vision). I wanted to be the kind of Mom who gave everything her all. Her very best. And I try! I do.

But, to be honest, there are many MANY days that I'm simply feeling worn out. Taking care of the kiddos full time is exhausting! I just can't be "ON" all of the time. I can't be everything all of the time. That's been a real eye opener for me. 

There are days when I am just so wiped out in the morning that I can barely get out of bed. Those are the kinds of days where I shuffle around in a stupor...wearing my pajamas all day long, never combing my hair, never putting my contacts in. It's even worse when I'm sick (stay at home Moms don't get sick days). I have to rest AND take care of both kids who have lots of energy. These are the days that are long and arduous that leave me feeling spent. I'm not doing my best on those days. And a lot of other days when I'm just plain tired out...I'm less than my best. 

The tv ends up on all day, lunch is some crackers and fruit strewn together, and the kids are in THEIR jammies all day too. I just sort of lay there and can't get out of my funk. So I don't really do anything but the bare minimum. I can even get grouchy and whiny (who, meeee?)

You know what? Sometimes, that's ok. That's what's needed. Why do I beat myself up about these days? Everyone has them! 

We are taught early on that we must always try and do our best. That, if we do our best, then that is good enough. Or, you can feel good as long as you tried hard. 

But, what about the days where you DON'T try? You DON'T do your best? You eat popcorn for dinner and don't do the dishes. You don't read books to the kids and you don't show interest in moving from the couch. You heave heavy sighs when you have to wipe sticky fingers again or vacuum up all those crumbs that weren't there a minute ago. I've decided that those days are part of mothering and part of life for all of us. Our body tells us when we need down time and time to check out. That mediocrity is ok in order to save our sanity.

Stay at home moms don't get vacation time, so I look at these days of mediocrity as just that. Vacation time. And nobody gets hurt. We just get back to things in a day or two, albeit a bit more refreshed than before. 

I've decided that I'm not going to feel sorry for giving it my least effort sometimes. Some days mediocre is good enough. I'm learning to accept that I don't always need to give my best in order to be a good Mom.  It simply means I need to be good to myself and allow myself time to turn it all off and loaf around for the sake of taking time for me. And I think that's a good lesson to teach my kids. Accepting that we can't always give our best allows us to relax and know that we deserve a break now and again. It keeps us from burning out and allows us to really be there for our kids when they need us most. And THAT is what's important. At least, to me anyway. 

What do YOU do to allow yourself a break now and again? Are you giving yourself enough breaks? What could you do to give yourself more "me" time? What if you're taking too many breaks? Do you think you could be doing more? What are some things you'd like to do better?

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Acceptance: Motherhood isn't predictable

Disclaimer: These posts are dedicated to following along with the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy," a compilation of essays on motherhood written by authors who contribute to the Power of Moms website. Each month has a different "power" to focus on with the purpose of finding peace, purpose, order and joy in the role of motherhood. I will be writing various posts each month based on that theme. You don't have to have the book to follow along though! January's theme is "Acceptance."



There was a blurry film over my eyes when my lids lifted to the faraway sounds of Noah's moaning cry. Uggggghhh. I glanced over at the clock and noted the 5:32 am time. I shut my eyes again but his cry became pretty insistent so I threw my feet out of the bed with a sigh. He just needs his little morning bottle; maybe I'll get lucky and he'll get back to sleep when he's finished? I glanced at Chris' sleeping frame knowing his alarm would be going off in a few minutes anyway. I stumbled down the hall with unsteady feet knowing full well that I hadn't slept enough. Noah had woken up at 12:30 moaning and crying for who-knows-what; then again at 2:30 and 3:15. Of course, after the 3:15 debacle, I got back into my cozy bed-about to fall asleep-only to hear 3 year old Paige yelling for me (her feet were out of the covers and she needed my help for some reason).
Now in the rocking chair, Noah greedily gulped down the bottle I'd made while I rocked him in the dark. I kept my eyes shut and let my mind wander to the dreams I was having not more than 2 minutes ago. He finished with a flourish and didn't nestle into my neck like he usually did to go back to sleep. He began babbling and bouncing around on my lap.  So much for the extra shut-eye I'd been coveting! I changed his heavy diaper and the day began with a sleepy shudder.
This was the way life had been for some time…me making hopeful plans about what would happen next (can I go back to a peaceful sleep THIS time?) while the kids went about their OWN plans. Obviously, MY way always goes to the highway. When I was single and childless my life was full of time for ME. Lingering over a big breakfast, reading any magazine from cover-to-cover at random times, taking a nap when I felt tired, sleeping late in the mornings because I could, Showering every day and having lots of time to do my hair and makeup…little pleasures you take for granted until they are gone.
Once I had my children I had to learn quickly that my time wasn't MINE anymore. I made that choice, and I'd do it again (I've traded it for a whole host of other blessings and treasures).
But it doesn't mean it's been an easy transition.

My biggest challenge as a mother so far has been learning to accept that motherhood isn't predictable. It's an inevitable and sure FACT that as soon as I make a plan for what I want to accomplish during the day SOMETHING will come along and blow that plan to the sky. As soon as I say "I'll just shower during Noah's morning nap" I've pretty much guaranteed that he won't be able to nap for some unknown reason and I'll go yet another day looking like a greaseball. For every plan, I can expect 5 other things to suddenly jump in its path. This can become so frustrating and stressful and leaving me feeling completely out of control (and grouchy).

But, somehow, when I finally came to terms with the unpredictability, all the challenges became no big deal.

There were many days I threw my hands up in frustration with some fresh tears to boot. I'm a planner! I'm Type-A! I like to know what is coming next or I feel constant anxiety and stress. The tasks and responsibilities in Stay-At-Home Motherhood are ALL unpredictable. It's the nature of the gig. It's the biggest thing to accept (for ME anyway).
Now, I've been learning to just sigh and say "oh well, I can try again tomorrow." I've found ways to adapt, overcome, move on and smile.
The day I learned that acceptance is the key to joy in motherhood is the day I found so much peace and enjoyment in the little things.

Here's a list of things I might accept in one morning:

1. I'm up way too early and didn't get enough sleep
2. Paige is going to dilly-dally in getting ready for school (she's only 3)
3. Noah won't stop fussing until I hold him while I make breakfast.
4. The kids aren't neat and tidy eaters. The kitchen floor and table is already a mess.
5. I can't eat my food until both kids are done theirs because I'm constantly getting up to wipe spills, get tissues, fetch drinks, you name it.
6. I eat while standing at the sink…If I have to sit down and then get right back up again I might scream.
7. Noah's morning nap only lasted 45 minutes instead of the hour and a half I'd become accustomed to. I only read and answered emails and did the dishes in that time.
8. No time for a shower now, sigh.
9. Noah cries until I play with him and all his toys for a chunk of the morning.
10. Maren the Wonder-Dog gets sick all over the living room rug: No time to sneak in those calls to the doctor, the heating place, and my friend…I guess I'll wait until the next nap.

See, this is just the morning and there's already a list of things I've had to reconcile…they are small and simple and add up through the day.
It can be quite a shock going from endless amounts of smooth sailing to sudden choppy waters and squalls that set us off-course.
Out of necessity, I've learned to use my time more wisely. If there is something I MUST do during the day, then that is the thing that gets my attention first when I get a pocket of time. I want to shower today? I do it as soon as Noah is asleep for his nap (no checking emails beforehand!). That way, I've ensured it to happen. This is just a small example of knowing what my priorities are and then setting my sights on them through the day. It takes deliberate thought, planning, and flexibility to know what I want to accomplish today and how it might best happen. Doing this has reduced a  lot of frustration and resentment on my end. Kids come with chaos and mess. They don't tantrum on a schedule. They don't have a plan to get sick. They don't pencil in insomnia. And they certainly won't check with YOU on any of it beforehand.

When you accept the unpredictability the life of motherhood brings, you free yourself to just live in the moment. You decide to let the day bring you along for the ride. You allow yourself to enjoy your time with your kids and not be preoccupied with a long to-do list in the back of your mind. You allow yourself to see the beautiful moments in every day life and participate in them. What a joy! You start to enjoy the opportunities in the so-called interruptions, road blocks and obstacles…those are the moments that make up the marrow of our lives. These are the moments we need to find the fun and silliness. I now try to wipe the spills (and poo!) with a smile and a tickle, get out of bed with a grateful grin for another beautiful day, get in and out of my breakfast chair 50 times during one meal because I'm lucky enough to have little mouths to feed…so I do a little dance across the kitchen…you get the picture. Maybe things didn't happen as I'd PLANNED, but they happened as they should in the way God intended and what matters is how I handled them. Did I handle challenges with grace, patience and clarity? (sometimes!)  Did I breathe in with love? (yes!)  Did I keep my temper in check? (maybe not today, but tomorrow is another day!)  At the end of the day I want to be proud of myself and feel the catharsis of a job well done. Accepting the somewhat anxious unpredictability of it all has been the first step.

Talking points:
What are some things you plan for but often have to put aside while you tend to the kids and then you feel grumpy because your plans were thwarted again?
Some of mine are:
1. A hot meal
2. A shower
3. Going back to bed, or taking a nap
4. Going to bed early
5. Sleeping in (see? lots of them involve sleep)
6. Browsing the shops in a leisurely manner
7. Eating out at a restaurant in a slow fashion
8. That one magazine article (or book chapter) I've been trying to read.
9. Crafty projects that take way longer to complete than ever before

What are some wonderful or rewarding things you traded those aforementioned planned things for? Here are some of mine:
1. The chance to help my daughter learn a new skill
2. To watch my daughter or son smile when they learn aforementioned skill
3. To do a task out of love for my child/ express my love through action
4. I get to hear my daughter tell me something funny or important to her
5. I get a chance to share a laugh with those I love most.
6. I prove to my kids that they mean everything to me while they remind me that they DO mean everything to me.
7. I get to share the sunrise and yummy breakfast with happy little voices
8. I get to soothe the tears away from chubby little cheeks and be the voice of comfort and peace.

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Deliberate Motherhood: Introduction

(here's a photo of me; pregnant with Paige and so excited about what was to come)

Hi friends!
When I was suffering from the worst parts of severe antepartum depression in August of 2011(depression while pregnant) I remember the horrible feeling of wanting to get into my car and drive away. To who-knows-where. Anywhere? To possibly drive off a bridge and never have to deal with anything again. It was so awful. I was so sick. I also felt the most terrible feeling of guilt I'd ever experienced.  I had everything I'd ever wanted: a beautiful daughter, an amazing and supportive husband, a cozy loving home, a baby boy on the way…why did I feel nothing but dread and emptiness? I was depressed. But the truth was, I also felt so overwhelmed. I felt so out of control and overloaded that I was simply frozen in terror. There was no more room for anything else. I couldn't think clearly because everything scared me. I was also angry all the time; yelling at Paige for the littlest things and promptly feeling so horrible for losing my temper. This was not the life I'd wanted to create! Now, looking back, I know that I didn't want to leave my beautiful family behind. Of course not! I loved them with all my heart. I was scared and overwhelmed by the TASKS and responsibilities related to mothering. I was becoming a mother of two and was feeling like my own more simple life was being left behind. The truth is, my very purpose was just coming to the forefront and I was shedding the skin of my former life. It wasn't easy! I was facing a big scary job. I wanted to symbolically drive away and leave my cares and fears behind me. We can't do that in real life; we must face our challenges head-on and take them down.
I'm so much better now, and going through that experience made me put a lot of thought into this sacred calling of motherhood. Specifically, how to find all the joy, peace, and sense of purpose motherhood can bring when we know where to look for it. How to flourish while we accept the sometimes dirty work of mothering. How to help make our children's lives magical while happily taking on extra work to do so. These things come easy to some people. Some mothers are just so natural! They let trouble roll off their backs, they come up with craft ideas and games with ease, they whip up delicious dinners every night, they laugh with their kids in the rain…things I don't just DO. At least not until lately. Being the kind of mother I want to be has involved a lot of thinking, planning, and deliberate action…involving list-making, reading, and daydreaming. But, I'm starting to get a rhythm and confidence!
In my quest for enlightenment of the mothering kind, I found the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy " and read it speedily from cover to cover. I was so excited to finally find other mothers who felt like I did! Who didn't have all the answers and often felt overwhelmed and over-tired. The book is organized into sections called "Powers" where each topic, or power, suggests what makes up a great mother. You can follow along each power to a corresponding month of the year with a book club, group of friends, or individually. I've chosen to explore each topic here on my blog throughout each month and share my thoughts here with you. You're free to explore your own thoughts in the comments section. This journey is my own and I believe everyone has THEIR own personal feelings, wishes, and goals.
This first month, January, will focus on the power of "Acceptance." There are many ways acceptance plays a part in the daily life of the mother; it is so helpful to think of them as I ponder how I can rise above my personal challenges to be a better Mom. I hope you find sentiments you can relate to and feel better about; feel free to comment and share your experiences.

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Deliberate Motherhood

Hi friends!

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about Mothering. I capitalize it because it's more than just an occupation or career. It's a way of life and a sacred calling for serving God.
I'll be honest, it doesn't always feel sacred or special. It's muddy work. It's sloppy work. Most of the time, I feel frustrated (how many freakin' spills can I CLEAN in one mealtime??), angry (shut the hell up and go to sleep Noah!!!!), tired (7 wake-ups in the night for the binky or the bottle or for who-knows-what), and spent (give-give-give-give-giiiiiiive). Don't even talk to me about all the guilt. (yes, I yelled "shut the hell up!" to my 10 month old when he wouldn't stop fussing constantly during the night.)

About a month ago, I became tired of feeling, well…tired. I was sad that I wasn't feeling a sense of fulfillment and purpose I'd always imagined I'd feel once I'd become a mother. I was sad I was feeling frustrated and yelling most of the time. I was sad I wasn't finding the joy as much as I'd wanted. I fretted that time was passing me by; these little moments with my babies was going to pass too quickly and I worried I'd miss out on the chance to truly soak up every second with my precious ones.
Do you ever feel like this? Like you need the answer for HOW to be quiet, enjoy Motherhood, savor every messy moment, and thrive in all? It's so easy to get caught up in the minutiae of the everyday…wake up (before you want to), go about your same routine (whatever that looks like for you), battle the same battles, cleaning, preparing, laundering, and so forth just to hit the bed to prepare for it all again the next day. In all of this busyness and SAMENESS, it's so easy to forget to look around and notice the little things that make each day a wonderful part of the journey of Motherhood. We race, we scurry, we plot and plan for the next events all to get through the day, longing for a moment of peace and relaxation ALONE. I don't want to wake up one day (with my surly teenage kids who want nothing to do with me) and wish I'd paid more attention to the little things and focused less on my frustration and challenges back when they were little and wanted to be near me.
Spiritual Sidenote: I'm currently working through these issues with a good friend of mine who is now a pastor in Montreal. He is helping me to realize there is support from a higher place and that my purpose is a great one. I'm working to find my identity through Jesus and discovering my faith in a new way…that everything I do (yes, even scrubbing the dishes) is a way to show love and serve God because I love Him and am grateful for all He did for me. What once seemed like drudgery is simply another way I can show my love to my family. Being a Mother is easy; doing all the WORK a stay-at-home mom entails can be laborious--physically, and emotionally demanding. I can find some peace knowing that everything I do can be done with a smile because it means something special.

That being said, I also needed some inspiration and advice from other mothers. How do the other women do it? The ones who have a bunch of kids, volunteer, work, AND find time for friends, creative pursuits, etc.? I found my answers in the book "Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of  Peace, Purpose, Order, and Joy." It is filled with essays from seasoned Mothers who have been there. Essays I feel like I could have written! There are suggestions on how to deal with different struggles (hooray!). I read the book in 2 days and filled the margins with notes. I can't recommend this book enough if you are struggling with the daily challenges from behind the scenes or want a realistic view of what Motherhood looks like. I can say strongly that it has changed the way I view my role as a Mother and the way I handle each day. I've been feeling so much more calm, purposeful, and joyous.

The book is set up in chapters that correspond with each month of the year. January focuses on the power of Acceptance. I've decided to follow along with the book and ponder each topic through this next year. (I've already read the whole book, but I want to explore each topic in detail) I'll write about that topic throughout the month and think about how it can apply in my own life. Do you want to join me? You can grab the book and play along on your own blog, or leave your thoughts in my comments. I think it's a great chance for us all to help each other gain strength and wisdom to better ourselves and refresh our views in our roles as Mothers (or Mothers to be).

Please don't misunderstand; I LOVE my kids. I love being a Mom. I'm honored to be a Mom.  I signed up for this, didn't I? I don't want to just go through the motions. I want to be GREAT for my kids. I want to FEEL GREAT for my kids. I want to look back and know I enjoyed as much as I possibly could…even the diaper changes and endless sink of dishes! (How grateful I am to have dishes from those I love to wash and diapers to change!) Once upon a time, my identity was found in my ambitions outside of the home. Now that I am home with my kids all day I need to find and gain satisfaction in a new way. It's been a bumpy road so far! So, I hope you'll follow along starting in January as I explore the topic of "Acceptance" throughout the month. Accepting that Motherhood is tough and isn't going to get any easier is the first step. I can accept the bitter stuff and embrace the awesome stuff. If you decide to read the book, let me know what you think of it!
And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog!

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