Lady Business

DISCLAIMER: to any family or friends reading this, graphic content about my lady business is ahead. Proceed with caution!

Hello!
Well, I've been going over in my mind for a while now...whether or not to write about this particular topic. BUT I've come to the conclusion that I must because:
1. There's not a lot out there about it
2. I've talked about other very personal things here, so why stop now?
3. It might help someone else in the same situation

Anyway, I'm having surgery on March 1st to correct the stitching done by my doctor during Paige's delivery. I didn't have an episiotomy, but I did tear a little and stitching was done to fix it. Well, I was told that doing the deed would be painful after having a baby, so I figured it was natural to hurt. As the months went by, nothing improved. I figured it would just a take a while. But the idea of doing the deed started to horrify me as the pain has become worse and worse (so it happened less and less and has been pretty non-existent much to our chagrin)...it was so bad that I would cry and cry and feel like I was being ripped in half with a machete. That's not normal, right?? 6 months after Paige's birth, I spoke to my OB about it and he said "Oh, well, try this estrogen creme, even though I'm not sure it will do anything, and we can always do a repair after you have your next child or when you're done having kids. Make sure to use lots of lube." *SIGH* I sort of shuffled out of there feeling no resolution. It's been 4 months since then and I must say that I don't see how I can even attempt to have another child! More tears, more pain, more frustration. So, back to the doctor I went and he found the area where the pain is coming from saying he can "feel something there" and he wants to remove it and possibly do a biopsy. He's pretty confident it's just extra tissue created from the stitching before. He's going to do a "release" as he calls it and try to put me back to how I used to be. He told me "we get so concerned with making things nice and tight that sometimes we can go a little far." A little far? That's putting it mildly. Tell that to my miserable husband. So, I go on March first for a "perineoplasty" to hopefully make life less painful. Reading up on the procedure, it seems like most women complain of having loose skin/muscles inside and the procedure is done to tighten things up. I'm having the opposite issue. I just never thought of this when I pictured having kids. I also never realized how serious an issue it can be when you can no longer be intimate as a couple...it causes a lot of stress, suffering, frustration, pain, and sadness. Hopefully, this procedure will fix things and get me closer to how I used to be. Oh, the memories. :)
Chris has been so supportive and understanding during all of this and I'm forever grateful and appreciative of him. It's important to me that I'm not blamed for something I have no control over. Has anything like this happened to anyone else? I guess I would encourage anyone who is in significant pain for a long time after having a baby that perhaps you should see your doctor and maybe surgery is an option for you too? Thanks for reading and letting me vent...I'll be sure to let you know how things turn out. In the meantime, I basically have a big orange sign around my neck that says "KEEP OUT!"

Tweet

Reflecting

Hi friends! There's an actual break in the clouds/rain here! It's only supposed to last an hour or so, but it's so nice to see the sun for the first time in weeks! Woooo!
I've been meaning to write about my thoughts on my pregnancy now that I am looking at it in a metaphorical rear-view mirror. When people asked me "are you enjoying your pregnancy?" I found it so hard to answer! I guess that's because my situation was so complicated. The short answer was always "oh yes! I am so blessed and lucky and am thrilled to be on this ride." The truth is, the first trimester was horrible. I couldn't help it, I'd put my excitement on the backburner since I'd had 4 pregnancy losses before. No reason to get excited, right? I wanted so badly to let go and let myself feel the joy. But all I felt was terror. Gripping terror. I was so scared of losing this pregnancy too...I barely slept at night. Fear gripped my body all day long and it was all I could think about. With each passing day I felt a little better, but also deeper in fear. I wouldn't wish that stress on anyone. I literally ate, slept, and breathed terror. My chest was tight and it was always hard to breathe. Of course, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't relax. Which made me worry about the wee one inside of me...was I making her sick? UGH. It was a vicious cycle. It didn't help that I had a lot of spotting and a hematoma that threatened the embryo. The second trimester saw me with a little less fear, but dealing with discovering her 2 -vessel umbilical cord and her sketchy 1st-trimester screen results. We were worried about her heart and kidney development. I was worried she'd run out of room in my T-shaped uterus and be born viciously early. It was always something! I truly loved the third trimester. I relaxed and knew that every week meant I had a "more viable" baby than the week before. The odds improved so much with each day that I finally relaxed and let myself enjoy being pregnant without so much fear. It was a short but wonderful time.
Sometimes I find myself jealous of others who had easy pregnancies or who never have had to go through so much loss. I'm happy for them, but jealous and wish those great things for myself. I will never have a terror-free pregnancy. I will never have that naive joy from day one. I'm not complaining though; I was finally able to experience it and that is the bottom line. How it happened turns out to be irrelevant. There is no room to envy others when I have been given this gift myself. Someday, perhaps in a few years, we will try again for another child. And frankly, I don't know HOW I will go through it all again. But I know that I will try. I don't know if it will work. I am hoping! The joy we feel on the other side; now that Paige is here, is so worth it. Mothering doesn't start when the baby is born. It starts at the moment of conception as you go about doing whatever it takes mentally and physically to keep that baby safe even when it is out of your hands. It starts with the dream of having a child and all you do to make it happen along the way...whether with help from doctors, no help at all, or through adoption. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't marvel at my little girl and feel so appreciative. But it came with a heavy price...but I would pay that price every single day forever and ever as long as I can have Paige here in my life.

Tweet

Mother's Day and the Birth

Hi friends!
Well, today is Mother’s Day (My first Mother's Day!)so I thought it a fitting day to write Paige’s birth story. But, before I do, let me extend a Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s out there who selflessly give their time, heart and souls to their little ones (whether they are 2 or 22). I’d also like to say Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms-to-Be who are giving their bodies and minds to their little ones in their tummies. And I’d like to say Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms to One Day Be who are working so very hard in body, mind, and spirit as they try to conceive or adopt that little one. You are mothering an important dream and it is so much physical, emotional, and spiritual work to achieve it, however it may happen. You are a mother too! It’s a day to celebrate and remember the joy that having children brings or WILL bring. Much love to all. And a shout out to my own Mom who is the best. Thanks for staying with us last week to help us. You were a HUGE help and I couldn't have recovered even a little without you. I hope your Nana-hood has gotten off to a good start! You've been the best Mom for me, and I know you'll be an amazing Nana for Little P.
And now... the birth story, starting with the splash heard ‘round the world.
APRIL 28, 2009
When the clock read 4:00 am I realized a had to pee…but when I decided to finally go and DO it Chris had already beaten me to the punch by getting up before me. So, I sighed and rolled over a little. I got a bad menstrual-like cramp and I felt a tiny little pop sensation and a small gush of fluid came out. I thought “oh CRAP!” and literally dove off of the bed. I stood up and SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH…my water broke. All over the freakin’ floor next to the bed. They always say it’s a “gush of fluid.” HA! I stood there for at LEAST over a minute with the “faucet” running on high. It continued to gush like that throughout the rest of the labor. Who knew there was THAT MUCH fluid!? I screamed several times for Chris…so he rushed in and brought me a towel. Anyway, I’ll fast-forward now through my shower, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and the arrival to the hospital where we settled into the labor and delivery room (Room 2!…on an earlier post I’d mentioned it was my favorite and I didn’t even ask for it!). My contractions had started and they were starting to hurt, but they weren’t all that close together yet. I labored for a while until the doctor decided to augment the labor with Pitocin. Just to get things stronger and closer together. Well, holy hell…the contractions instantly hurt WAAAAAAAAAY more than before. And so commenced the movie version of labor where I screamed, yelled, and panted. I used my breathing techniques as much as I could, but soon it wasn’t enough and I simply lost control. I was wailing, crying, and begging for God to kill me. In other words, I was the picture of tranquility. They finally turned down the Pitocin to give me a little break and in came the anesthesiologist with my beloved epidural. Just in time! Let me tell you folks, it was heaven. I’d been worried thinking that it would hurt. Needle to the back, right? It seemed like it would be such a hellish experience. Well, I leaned forward gripping the nurse with the fear of God in me as I was sweating through more contractions and scared to death what the needle would feel like. Well, I’m so annoyed now since it was such a non-issue. If you’ve ever had Novicain in your gums during a dental procedure then you know the little pinch of the needle in your gums. It felt like that for me. I’m not saying it will feel like that for everyone. They told me it depends on your body type and fat content, etc. But, it was a little pinch. And then it was over. SO EASY. The edge came right off of the contractions as I lay back in the bed. Soon, the bed started to feel warm…like a heated massage bed. And the sheet on top of me felt heated as well. I felt like I was at a spa and felt SO relaxed. It didn’t change my mental state…just my physical body felt so much better. My body hadn’t felt so pain free in MONTHS. I was already dilated to five centimeters when I got the epidural, so things were progressing quickly. I was at 2 cm when I first got there (not bad from having been completely closed the day before!). To recap, we’d gotten to the hospital at about 6:00 am and my body was in heaven by 10:00 am. They then cranked up the Pitocin again and off we went! I was fully dilated to 10cm by 1:00pm or so. The nurses were shocked. They said the Pitocin was so low…it goes up to 60 or something and they’d only gotten up to 8 for my dosage. They had expected me to have a much longer labor. Off they went to gather all the materials needed for the actual birth so I just waited there on the bed joking around with Chris and the lovely student nurse named Kristen. I was her first labor! She was so sweet and we had fun laughing and sharing stories. It finally came time to push and I could sort of feel the contractions happening (there was a tightening sensation that didn’t hurt but cued me that I needed to push). I spent the next half-hour pushing as the nurses and Chris cheered me on. Again, this didn’t hurt. It was just exhausting because you hold your breath for so long with each push…and you do 3 full pushes with each contraction. The longer the push, the longer you hold your breath. Phew! Finally the head was starting to crown so they were screaming for the doctor…he was tending to 2 other labors at the exact same time. He came running in and they got him all dressed for the delivery. As he was dressing he looked down and said “Oh! This baby is going to FLY out!” So, with another strong push, I felt a small release and they yelled “the head is out!!! She’s got dark hair!”. He told me to give a tiny gentle push since her little fist was jammed into her neck. So I guess I delivered the head and a hand first. Once the hand was pulled free he coached me to give another gentle push and the rest of her body came out…it was so amazing and incredible. I’ll never forget the sensation. At my request, they put our beautiful Paige on my stomach and we all wiped her off with blankets and I remember looking up at Chris to see him in tears. I was crying along with the baby. I vaguely remember them clamping the umbilical cord and telling Chris where to cut as I was staring down at our daughter. What a set of lungs she had. So, they picked her up to put her in the warmer and check her vital signs while I watched from the bed. I saw her pink right up and I felt so relieved. Her first Apgar score was an 8 and her second score minutes later was a 9. Wow! She lived! She made it through all 10 months! She defied the odds of my crappy uterine shape, my folic acid issues, and her own umbilical cord abnormality. Nothing can explain how utterly relieved and ecstatic we felt. After all the worry about her possibly coming too early or needing a C-section we’d delivered her in a more traditional way and so close to her due date! A true miracle!! I cannot and never will be able to capture my gratitude for her. My doctor turned my attentions back to the task at hand…delivering the placenta.
WARNING: Graphic and disturbing content ahead:

I’d never given this part much thought. How hard could it be? You push some more and it slips right out with a tug of the cord. Well, I had a crappy cord. He said it was barely attached and if he gently tugged it, it would detach from the placenta and then we’d have some trouble. This was terrifying to hear. The cord was THAT bad? I pushed and pushed and pushed. Nothing was happening. The doctor then asked the nurses for a particular tool which, of course, the hospital didn’t have in stock at the moment. He then had to go on up there with his hands to try and manually take the placenta out himself. Thank God for that epidural because it took an HOUR. He feverishly wrestled and wrangled with my uterus to try and get the damned thing out. I could see his hand up under my rib cage. Disturbing to say the LEAST. It was like watching a horror movie. My T-shaped uterus housed the baby in one horn and the placenta in the other. It was tucked WAY in the end of the horn. He just couldn’t reach it and had a hard time getting a good hold of it. It was also coming apart in pieces so he kept having to fish around to get everything out bit-by-bit. It was a NIGHTMARE. The poor doctor looked so terrified. He was professional and together, but had those eyes of panic. He had to stop to take a break and explained that the placenta just wasn’t letting go. He said he was confident he would get it and that because my bleeding wasn’t at a dangerous point yet he was feeling good about things. He told me it would take time and I said “just do what you need to do since I can’t feel anything right now, I know you can do it.” Next thing I know, there are 5 nurses in the room running around and gathering equipment, etc. Some were pushing on my stomach while others reassured me. There was blood everywhere on the floors and I was exhausted. I could barely think straight. Finally, after an hour, he yells “I’ve got it!” and he pulled it out with all the nurses looking on with relief. He showed it to me later and pointed out how it was all calcified and sketchy. He mentioned how amazed he was that the baby got as big and healthy as she did with that crappy placenta and cord. He later told me he feared I might have had to lose my uterus. How scary is that?? Another miracle!!! He reassured me that this was NOT a normal experience and rare. He told me that it was just an isolated incident and not likely to happen to me again in a future pregnancy/childbirth and he felt bad that this happened. He told me he didn’t want it to ruin my experience. Of course, nothing could ruin the experience! I was still on cloud nine. I’d never much thought about the placenta delivery, so it was quite a surprise that the delivery of the baby went so great only to have the last part go foul. Fast forward: I got to hold the baby several hours later when the feeling in my arms returned (I'd worked them to exhaustion holding my legs during the labor) and I got to feed her. What a real thrill. Her first feeding! And she downed the bottle like a champ. The recovery after that has been hard. My tailbone is broken or dislocated (they didn’t bother to X-ray since there’s nothing they can do anyway). So, I have to sit on a doughnut and nurse my butt for the next several months until it heals. It’s so excruciating to bend over or pick up the baby from low positions. My pelvis is still a little separated and sore as well…making it hard to walk. Everything else is healing just fine and I feel a bit better each day…and I can’t complain when I have that beautiful little baby face to peer up at me. My heart now lives in her.
So, that’s the story of the birth and how it went! There are a lot of emotions I’ve been experiencing…lots of thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head that I’ll put in my next posts, but I at least wanted to share how it all went down first! Our miracle is here and our new life has begun! Welcome to Paige Rosalie Carty! You are in for a wonderful and wild ride that is life. Your Mommy and Daddy are here to help make it great!

(editor's note/update: I've been questioned as to how I broke my tailbone...I have no idea. It was during the birth OR during the crazy aftermath with the placenta. The doctor says it happens sometimes. They don't mention that in the damned pregnancy books, do they?? It took about 5 or 6 months to fully feel ok again. *sigh*)

Tweet

Here comes the sun...

She's here!
PAIGE ROSALIE CARTY

arrived yesterday on April 28th, 2009 at 2:20 pm (afternoon) after a wonderful labor (once the epidural came!).

She is 20.5 inches long and weighed in at 7 lbs. 4.5 ounces.
She is absolutely perfect!!! And she looks exactly like her daddy and has been calm, quiet, and cool as a cucumber! I'll enjoy that since it likely won't last long! (we can dream, right?)
I'll be back in a few days since I'm still at the hospital...and I'll be sure to post more photos and give you her whole birth story. Again, I LOVED that epidural!!!! I'm already married, but if I weren't, I'd consider marrying the epidural. Here are a bunch of photos from her first day so you can be properly introduced. Cheers friends! We are so grateful and thankful for your kind thoughts and loving words. We are truly SO lucky!!!!!!!!

Here I am just before we got in the car to go to the hospital...hee hee


Here I am as Paige was placed on my belly right after she came out. Sorry, it's a little bloody arm there!


Our first family portrait while I was still finishing labor (ugh).


Her first feeding with Mama!


Her first feeding again!


Family portrait!


Daddy and his little girl


She loves her Daddy!


And finally, her face (sort of) Yummy hand!!!


She's trying to focus and was looking all around. She went off for her first sponge-bath not long after this!


I hope this helps tide everyone over and that you enjoyed the photos. We took a million but wanted to show you some favorites. As for her hair, she's business in the front and party in the back with light brown fuzz on top and then it's much longer and brown in the back and sides. Very cute! And I'm biased, I know. :)
See you soon friends! And thank you again for all your love.

Tweet

WOOOO!

At 4:00 this morning (Eastern Time) my water broke!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm almost done gathering my stuff etc. and we are off to the hospital!!!
(They aren't dicking around when they say a "gush" of fluid...this was like taking a bucket...a FULL bucket of water and dumping it upside down and then it goes for a while. And then goes some more. It's crazy!!!) Luckily, the fluid was clear and now the running around by Chris and myself has ensued. I'm shaking and trying to stay calm. I'm having light irregular contractions now, but hadn't been before. I'll add more later on, but had to let my blog family know...this is it! Please pray for us if you can, or send good vibes. I'm scared and excited. I can't believe Little P. is going to be here soon. Our dream is finally coming true! Much love...

Tweet

39 Weeks!

Hey friends!
Today marks 39 weeks in my pregnancy! I went in to get checked out today and I've still made no progress...no dilation, no changes. SO, I am to head in this Thursday afternoon where they will insert the Cervidil and I'll spend the night as my cervix ripens. Friday morning, if labor hasn't begun from the Cervidil, I will be induced with Pitocin and then "have a baby." According to my doctor. :)
Looks like we'll have a baby in our May Day basket! My fingers are crossed that it will go ok. I know anything is possible, so I'm trying to not expect anything of certainty. Just that Little P. will arrive and be healthy. I've got a bunch of work to wrap up today, so I'll leave you with that. But I certainly have a lot of thoughts running through my brain and I'll have to check in with you tomorrow! The adrenaline that is running through my veins right now...well...I bet I could throw a schoolbus.

Tweet

The latest...

Hey friends!
No baby yet. I'll just get that right out of the way. I WILL tell you I had my delicious Friendly's Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae last night. And DAMN was it good. I will have sexy dreams about it for a while now. But, I'm getting off the point of this message to give you the latest news from the Docs:
I've made NO progress! Woo! I'll put my sarcasm on hold to say that all my stats are the same as last week. NO dilation (tightly closed according to this doctor), 70% effaced, and head kind of high. Poo. Happily, the baby's movement has been crazy today and her heartrate was fab. I'm so glad, because on Tuesday I'd had contractions for over 7 hours and many were painful, but it was false labor. And during the whole day she almost never moved. Just as I was about to go to bed, she finally did several jig-like dances in there which made me feel much better. She moved more yesterday, and now today she's like a party animal. One less thing to worry about!
The doctor told me I will go in for my next NST on Monday and they will check me out...if I've made some progress, they will plan to induce me on Friday morning of next week. If not, I will go in next Thursday afternoon and they will insert Cervadil (a string they insert that has medication to get things started) and I'll sleep the night there, THEN have my induction on Friday morning after some breakfast. So, if Little P. doesn't make her own appearance before then, it looks like Friday May 1st will be the day we get things started! I hope she's born that day too, but I know anything can happen. And, I had previously picked May 1st to be the birth-day (my guess in the family "Little P's Birth-Day Pool")...so obviously I want to win and that is clearly a huge priority. :) I swear I didn't "fix" the game. The doctor told me the days this was to happen and I nodded because I'll do anything to get her out and safely. There was no mention of a pool or anything...I swear! If I'd had a choice I would have screamed "get this shit going TODAY!" I'll keep you all posted if things change, though. One more week!!!

Tweet

38 Weeks

Hey friends!
Here is a version of my torpedo belly at 38 weeks. And it stretches out further as the day goes on. As you can see, my shirt doesn't quite fully cover me anymore. By the end of the day it covers even less! My NST went well yesterday. She's moving around less, but her heartbeat is nice and reactive still. I'll get checked on Thursday to see if I've made any progress in terms of further engagement or dilation. I'm getting very excited! As of today there is 13 days left until my due date. I'm still keeping busy during the day...still distracted so the time is going by pretty quickly. One majorly important task I must complete: get to Friendly's to have the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae. It's my favorite and I haven't had one in a few years. Not that I can't have one after Little P gets here...but I need to have it UNINTERRUPTED you see.
Everything is ready for her arrival...all is washed and put away and organized (as it never will be again). I've been giving her encouraging pep talks about coming out to meet us and how we aren't really all that bad. She seems content though, and that's fine by me I SUPPOSE. :)
End of pregnancy milestone:
I've been waking up about every two hours or so each night to use the ladies room. Sometimes it's every hour. I wouldn't mind so much if it were my non-pregnant body, but since I'm big in the middle and have no stomach muscles it takes an act of God, a crane, several helper-monkeys, and the momentum of gravity to help me untangle from the bedding, lean over, swing my legs over the side of the bed, and sit up. Then, I need to catch my breath for a while and let my hips settle into position before hoisting myself up onto my feet and waddling/stumbling/shuffling to the bathroom (grimacing at the electric shocks of my hip tendonitis and praying I don't fall). So, this happens all night long. I've heard lots of "well, this will prepare you for getting up all night with a child." Yeah, yeah. I just want to get out of the damned bed like a normal person and not wish for a Vicodin every time while praying I don't pee on myself en route to the facility. Having it difficult to move is one thing, but add in the severe pain of tendonitis and the fact that your pelvic bones are SEPARATING and crackling...OUCH! And when I get frustrated with how difficult and painful something as simple as getting out of bed is, I remind myself that I'm very lucky to have this issue and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I also remind myself of all the people out there with challenges that are very severe and they suffer and triumph over them every day of their lives. Mine has an end-date. It's nice to stop and try to gain perspective when small things seem to grow abnormally large. It's important to me to remember to always feel grateful and thankful even when I least feel like it. Because that's when you need it most.

Tweet

Baby Shower

Hi friends!
My Aunt Pat sent me some awesome baby shower pictures she took, so I picked out a few to show you and give you and idea of what it was like. These were taken when I was just starting week 35 of my pregnancy and I'm now at week 38. Anyhoo...
Here is how the tables were set up, what the cake and favors looked like... I've blurred out Little P's name on the cake so you can't see yet. The little cookies were the favors and there were 4 delicious frosted versions shaped like onesies. I loved them! As you can see, the cake is in the shape of a baby carriage.



Here is the gift pile and a section of the gifts. My friends and family were way too generous...we are so lucky to have them all in our lives. Little P is one lucky baby! She now has everything she needs for day-to-day life and fun!


Mmm. The buffet. *drool* Here I am loading up my plate. The food was very delicious and quite a selection!

Here is my mother and myself...thanks for throwing the shower Mom! And there is my great friend Sue and myself...thanks for helping to throw the shower and for doing so much to organize it Sue!


Here are some gift-opening moments:
The Oriole's onesie is a little something she can wear for when Chris wants to watch the baseball games. He's a big fan and was delighted to see this when I showed him.

Here I am crying as I open this Willow figurine depicting a Mom, Dad, and a newborn baby. A friend of mine had given us a Willow figure at Christmas time of a pregnant woman. And here is the version with the father and baby with that same woman. I burst right into tears when I saw this...I managed to say "It's a family!" when I held it up. (Oh, now I'm crying again....)

My Aunt Pat and cousin Jennifer gave me this pink bathtub filled with baby products, toys, and the like. It was STUFFED! And when I got toward the end/bottom, my Aunt sat next to me and showed me how to take the clothes out. One by one, each article of clothing zig-zagged out of the bathtub and I quickly noticed they were attached with clothespins! It took several people to help unravel it and by the time it was done stretching out...well, it went clear across the ENTIRE banquet room! What a fun idea! It was a neat presentation and was fun to be able to see all the little outfits at once. The photo only shows my little end, but you get the idea. It was so cool!

Thank you again to my family and friends who came all the way out to celebrate with us. You were way too generous with your gifts, time, and efforts. We are so grateful for everything and it was so special to me that you could be there. I always wondered if I would ever have a baby after all we went through, and the day of Little P.s baby shower was such a special and important milestone for me. My heart overflows.

Tweet

37 Weeks and 3 days

Hi friends!
I'm back today with the latest info from my doc and a belly pic. It's much less "torpedo" than yesterday. Big, but not jutting out like a missile. Maybe later after snacks and a nice dinner?
So, I'm not dilated at all. Oh well. But, she mentioned that my cervix is 70% effaced so that's something, right? She said the baby's head is higher up at a -2 station. Not exactly engaged. But it's still early so we shall see what pans out! She told me that due to the 2-vessel cord, they will not allow me to go past my due date (thank you God!) and that if they need to induce, they will do it closer to the due date to make good use of the ripened cervix. Of course, all will change if she finds the head still hasn't engaged later on. (this could be due to many things, like my T-shaped uterus or if the baby is extra big.) But, again, it's a wait-and-see game. I guess my next check will be next Thursday. In the meantime, I take comfort in knowing there is 18 days left until my due date and I will not go past that (and could go earlier!). I can do it! Today's exam was my first cervix check of this pregnancy and holy *&ck did it hurt! I knew it would be uncomfortable but GEEZ! I've also developed a nice case of carpal tunnel syndrome (pregnancy related) in my left hand. I haven't felt anything in my left index or middle fingers for 2 weeks now. I guess it's due to the swelling of fluid in my arm that is pressing the nerves. She assured me it would likely go away about a week or so after giving birth. It's a good thing I don't use my left hand for any sort of detailed handiwork...like disarming bombs or performing heart surgery. It's a good thing I don't work for Jack Bauer...for after a huge explosion I would have to explain "Sorry Jack, it's this darned pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel! It's a real bitch! I hope that building didn't house important documents or hostages you needed..."
So that's the latest update! While I wait to give birth I still have lots of little things going on to keep me busy. I've got a few wedding clients left where I'm wrapping things up...programs, menus, and the like. I've got to pack Little P's bag for the hospital..oh yeah, and my own. I'm sort of procrastinating on that because I figure what do I REALLY need besides a few toiletries, a robe, and a coming home ensemble? The hospital provides most of what is needed.
And when I find I'm out of things to do, I glue liners into the birth announcement envelopes I'll be using. Might as well do what I can while I have the time! Isn't my life riveting? Alrighty folks, I'm off to do more wedding work and perhaps some cleaning. And we wait!

Tweet

quick update

Hi friends! Just a quick update to let you know that nothing new is happening. I'm sorry I've been MIA. I always hate that in pregnancy blogs I read...when no updates come and it's getting close. You'd think I'd follow my own peeves and update more! I'm 37 weeks and 2 days along and still uncomfortable as ever! Nature is taking it's course and I'm just excited for things to move along. I've "dropped" and my stomach is sticking out like a torpedo. I could add a propeller to my belly button and it would look like the front of a small plane. My next non stress test is Thursday and hopefully I'll get to see a doctor who can tell me something about what's going on. I don't know her position or if she's too big or average...I'm not sure on what her estimated weight is. I just feel like I'm flailing around now with no information. Nobody has even touched my belly to measure it or feel around for several weeks. So, I'm ready for some sort of clue as to what's happening in there! I'll be sure to update you once I find out something of note. :) And just fyi, when I DO go into labor, I plan on sharing everything here as soon as possible. This is a shared journey and I certainly won't leave you out! I've appreciated all of your comments and support and my blog family deserves to be a part of the celebration too. I won't leave you in the dark! I'll be back soon with a proper post and a photo of the torpedo...I mean, belly.

Tweet

Dear Little P...

Dear Little P.,
Your 36th week of living in my tummy is coming to a close in a few days. You will be considered full-term soon, and that means you can come at any time! Not that I'm pressuring you. I'm just excited to see you in the flesh and know you are safe into the world. Now that it's closer to your arrival, I find myself terrified that something is going to go wrong. We've gotten so close now, and I just want to know that you will get here safely and everything will be ok. It's so reassuring when you wiggle around inside; reminding me that you are fine...that I don't have to worry so much. So thank you for that, I appreciate that you "call home" and let me know how you are doing. I've started nesting and getting all of your belongings ready for your use...it's nice to have some extra energy for once! I've now washed all of your clothes, blankets, bibs, burp cloths, sheets...pretty much everything made of fabric.

I've also washed all of your bottles and bottle parts, pacifiers, and anything else that will touch your mouth. When I finished hanging up your outfits that you got from your shower I had to step back and marvel that these weren't just baby clothes...they're YOUR baby clothes. We'll actually get to SEE you in them. Since then, I go up and peek into your closet just to be that much closer to you visually. It seems silly, I know...to get emotional at a bunch of hanging clothes. I guess it's the symbol of what it all means. As I was feverishly washing and sorting through your onesies (everything is also organized by size because the nesting instinct knows no boundaries) I came upon this one...freshly washed and ready to be folded. It's the only item of clothing that has these words, the first time I've seen these words and know that I'm the one they mean:

I had to sit down as my throat tightened. Fat tears slid down my cheeks. A little piece of pink cloth with some simple words on it never meant so much to me. You are almost here, my precious Little P. Please know that Mommy loves you more than anything and I would sew that on a trillion pieces of cloth to prove it.
Love always, forever and please be careful,
Mama

Tweet

36 weeks

Hi friends! I'm sorry I've been away so long! No, I haven't been giving birth...I've been doing all the things on my "things to do before the baby comes" list. You know, putting baby stuff away, organizing, obsessing over thank you notes, resting, eating cheeseburgers...the necessities. This past Sunday was spent having false labor through much of the day (contractions both painful and non-painful with a side of nausea) so I can't help but wonder if the time is coming soon! I'm already 36 weeks, so she'll be here soon enough anyway, right? There's only 27 days left until my due date. Physically, I'm feeling awful...just in a lot of pain in my hips and pelvic area. I think my pubic bone has separated a little so it cracks at night when I try to roll over. This is not an enjoyable sensation by any stretch and it's not an area I'd ever imagine to generate a cracking sound. I have to say a little prayer before I roll over each time at night because the pain will be bad. BUT, it's all worth it of course. Break both my arms and legs if needed; I will handle it if it means my little one is coming and is ok. Little P checked in well at her latest NST. Her heart response seems to be getting better and better...she's so reactive to her movements. I hope she'll be athletic like her father. I was athletic as a kid, but who knows where that went to. She has a good chance to get his genes that have a penchant for sports. I don't know if she'll play football like he did, but hey, whatever floats her boat. After the NST yesterday I came home and went outside on the front porch in the rain to see why the mailman's truck was parked in my driveway (it was as if he was hanging out there or something). He was driving away down the street by the time I'd found myself having fallen down the full flight of wooden steps. I slipped up at the top and tumbled backwards and sideways the whole way down to the sidewalk (about 10 bumps and tumbles). Miraculously, I did not hit my belly. The rest of me was banged up a bit but I didn't break anything and am ok. But of course, it was BACK to labor & delivery to get another check up and another NST. Not more than 2 hours after my last one! I've now been in every labor& delivery room at the hospital and quite prefer room 2. Not that I'll get to pick, but I can hope! Little P. tested just fine and everything has been great. Such drama! I have to say it was terrifying to think Little P was in danger. One of the worst feelings in the world. I was hysterical at first, not because of the fall and my own pain, but because of the unknown. Because of the terror that I was unable to protect her. I'm just so relieved it all ended up just fine. I'd now like to strap myself to a bed and quarantine myself until she gets here. I can't take any more near misses like that. It's bad enough that when I drive I feel like every car around me is a potential missile coming after me. I find myself yelling "bitch" and "dirty bastard" at everyone in their cars who commit the tiniest infractions...all because it might endanger my unborn. I've gone off the deep end a bit, I will admit. But that's ok. I am allowed for now... so if you see a crazy-eyed woman in a white Honda Pilot, try to be understanding. She's a little worried, over-protective, and sleep-deprived...(much like most driving women today). Her belly happens to be crammed in front of the wheel, her pelvis feels like it has been smashed with a giant mallet as her crazed and plentiful hormones hold a frat party and that makes all the difference between them and her. Be gentle, you never know when you will encounter her or one just like her.

Tweet

One cool idea

Hi friends! I didn't take pictures at my baby shower, but my friends and family did. As I await those photos, I thought I'd show you this cool gift before I take it apart. My amazing friend Sue (who threw me the shower with my Mom) made it. It's a cake of diapers, but has more than that in it. In addition to diapers, it's made of onesies, washcloths, and the like all rolled up! It also holds sets of those little baby mitts to protect their face from getting scratched. There are loads of baby hair bow clips, puppets, car seat toys, teething toys, soft books...the list goes on and on! It's been so fun to look at and discover new things. My husband and I will both be sad to take it apart! So, I wanted to make sure to document it here with a photo. She placed the "cake" on a tin platter and all the elements are tied to a wooden rod that goes up the middle. There are decorative ribbons wrapped around each layer that hide the little ties. She added the toys as the "frosting" last and voila! A shower cake! Thanks Sue! We LOVE it!

Tweet

35 weeks

Hi friends!
Here's a picture of me taken on Sunday, March 29th just before my baby shower. Check out that belly! It's definitely starting to take over, and that's just fine by me. I'll be sure to tell you more about the amazing shower given to me soon, I want to make sure I have a few photos to be able to show you of a few details. I can say, I'm so lucky to have such great family and friends to come all the way out on a crappy rainy day...many driving a few hours...just to be there to celebrate. It really meant the world to me. Words can't express how thankful and touched I am. Everyone was too generous and Little P. now has everything she needs to take the world be storm (or by poop) when she gets here. She's a lucky lady!
I had an ultrasound and Group B strep test on Friday. I'm negative for Group B so far, so that's good! That means I won't have to take antibiotics before Little P. comes along. The ultrasound showed her moving all around looking good! They estimated that she's just over 5.5 lbs. and her fluid levels are in the perfect range. I could see her little face and her mouth yawning and moving. We watched her tongue flick around as she stuffed her fist in her mouth...Nom Nom Nom!!!! Her measurements were great and she's still bigger for her dates, so we are very grateful for that. 5 more weeks until her due-date! 35 days to be exact, and the reality is becoming more and more vivid each day. We're happy all is well for now and it won't be long...I make sure to send my thanks out into the universe every day. My measly thanks just won't ever be enough though.

Tweet

Missing in action

My ankles disappeared yesterday. I think they went to Aruba for a nice vacation and I'm extremely jealous. I don't blame them, what with all the cold weather. I hope they come back soon, though. It's awfully awkward around here without them. Maybe they'll send me a postcard?

Tweet

34 Weeks

Hi friends!
Phew! I'm relieved and excited to hit 34 weeks! It's been a longtime milestone in my head and it's finally here. In my new observations: I'm noticing my weight gain a lot more now. Not just during my breathless waddles from room to room, but I can see it in the progression of photos here. My face is now showing the traditional widening that pregnancy can give. It's so unfamiliar to see yourself looking so different from one day to the next. It's new territory...it's not that I'm upset about my weight gain per se, especially since it's so worth it and for a wonderful reason, I guess it's just more of a symbol of another thing I can't be in control of. I like to have control and a plan. And nothing about anything that has to do with pregnancy in general involves control OR a plan (at least in my case!). On one hand (the biggest hand) I feel proud of my body...it's worked so hard to bring this gift to life. On the other, smaller, hand I feel a bit insecure of my new shell as I get to know it. I'm also scientifically fascinated by all that has taken place with it, but that's something else entirely. I know that my body will forever be different after Little P makes her appearance, so I suppose it is the end of one version of me and the beginning of another. I think back to my collegiate days of drinking, flirting, studying and having fun...a different (much tinier) body and time...and I realize that time goes by so quickly while priorities change just as fast. Now, there are so many other things that I enjoy that take up my days and I'm reminded that I need to focus on the fruits of each day because tomorrow it will be gone and in the past. Tomorrow will find me in a newer version of myself, and whether my body is the same or not does not matter to me as much as whether or not I will KNOW myself and like myself just as much. Will I be a better person tomorrow? I would love to always try and be able to say "yes." There is a lot to learn as I move forward and Little P. is certainly ready to teach me a thing or two.

Tweet

It's Getting Interesting

Hi friends!
First, I wanted to show you this cool kitchen towel I found at Anthropologie, here. It's all embroidered and I would never actually use it in the kitchen for fear of getting it dirty. I loved the colors and the design, so it is now draped over the back of the rocking chair in the nursery so it can be enjoyed. I love finding random little things I like and trying to find an alternate use for them if I don't want them to get dirty or ruined. :)
Onto my story. Let me first say this: Everything is fine and great. Little P is just fine as am I and all is ducky.
So, on Wednesday night I awoke at around 2:00 am (as per usual) with Braxton Hicks contractions here and there. No biggie since it's almost every night that this happens. I was in a sleepy fog and just ignored them. Well, by 3:00 I kept waking up and noticed that there seemed to be a pattern happening...and...hey!...OUCH!...they started to hurt. Like a gripping menstrual cramp. That's when my eyes popped open and I owlishly started staring at my watch. When I realized there seemed to be 10 minute intervals in between I woke my husband up to tell him about it and I tiptoed out of the room with my pillow. I wanted to go lay on the couch where there was plenty of light so I could focus on the task at hand without bothering Chris. Of course, I knew he'd be concerned and likely unable to get back to sleep...but I also knew better than to NOT tell him. I had 2 more painful contractions that lasted 1 minute each and were 10 minutes apart. I got lost in a show I'd recorded by then and realized I hadn't had any more for a half an hour. They disappeared completely soon after that. Phew! I had my non-stress test later that day, so I knew to mention the episode then.
Later in the day, at the hospital for my NST, I told the nurse of my ordeal as she strapped me up to the monitors. The baby seemed to be doing just fine and she asked me a few routine questions and all went great. She came back in about 40 minutes later and said "you know, the contractions could also be from a bladder infection or kidney infection...some blood and protein were found in your urine." What? I hadn't felt any symptoms of those things, so I was confused. I got really nervous and told her about my genetic disorder, Nail Patella Syndrome, and how there's a risk of renal complications for someone like me especially during pregnancy. She left the room and came back with a vial and drew some blood as they'd decided to check my kidney function thoroughly. She told me that they wouldn't let me leave until the lab came back with the results. I also had to give another urine sample. In the end, the results came back normal, but with trace amounts of blood in the urine and no protein. The doctor looked concerned but said it could have come from the contractions the night before and he told me to try and not worry. But they'd keep an eye on it going forward. He also recommended I see a Nephrologist after my pregnancy (a kidney specialist). So, it's on the list of doctors to see once this is all over. (I need to see an Orthopedist for my horrible hip tendonitis issues as well). And I won't even go into detail about the root canal I'm supposed to have as soon as possible after delivery. *SIGH*
Anyhoo, I'm now chugging water and keeping my feet up. The doctor said he would consider letting the contractions go and let things happen if I was 34 weeks or past but it's still a little too soon. This surprised me. And he said ideally he'd like me to hold on for another 4 weeks at least. I want to get Little P as fully grown in there as possible so I'm doing what I can to stay relaxed and am taking it as easy as possible. But this is certainly starting to get interesting!!! It's notable that my Mom gave birth to my older brother during her 34th week. (her water had broken) That is next week for me. That makes everything seem all the more real and imminent! I should note my brother had a nice birth weight and was jaundiced but otherwise was ok. He went home after a few days in the incubator. This helps me with my worry as I hope to not have a baby born sick and struggling. So, that's the latest story...The End. All is well and now I am sucking down a chocolate milkshake with wild abandon as my after-lunch treat. Every good story needs a happy little ending, right?

Tweet

33 Weeks

Hi friends!
Well, I'm headed off soon for my next NST (non-stress test). I'm sure all will be well since Little P has been rockin' and rollin'. No more little pokes and prods...she's into fully moving around in there with every little body part. It feels like she alternates between boxing and gymnastics. All inside a balloon. It's fun to watch my stomach make odd shapes as it conforms to her newest stretch. Some new observations this week include: 1. my wedding ring sadly will not fit all the way on my finger. But my engagement ring still works. I'd wondered when this would happen and now I have my answer. 2. My toes are starting to swell by the end of the day. I'd also wondered when this would start. The other day my feet looked purplish, so I just put them up and that did the trick. No purple feet since. But little sausage toes are appearing much more often. 3. I'm officially waddling and groaning with every move. I groan when I get out of a chair, out of bed, out of the car...pretty much whenever I have to disembark something. I also follow that up with a heaving sigh of relief when I sit anywhere and settle down. (IN a chair, IN bed, IN a car, etc.) The same goes for conquering a flight of stairs; sweat beading on my brow...it's as if I'd climbed the Matterhorn and must be rewarded. Instead, I let out a heaving sigh and waddle on my way. I guess it makes sense when you are basically carrying a cinder-block strapped to the front of you. A cute and snuggly cinder block that loves her Dad's voice. She's going to continue to get heavier and I will gratefully heave a million or trillion sighs of relief and groans of pain if it means she will get here safely.

Tweet

32 Weeks

Hi friends!
Today marks 32 weeks for us, and I celebrated by having my first non-stress test today. The procedure seems pretty simple where I go into Labor & Delivery and they put me in a room. They use these belts to strap on my belly and we listen to the baby's heartbeat and match it against any movement or contractions. I guess the time to do this goes anywhere from 20 minutes to one hour. I had some apple juice while I lounged on the bed and watched TV that I didn't pay much attention to because I liked hearing Little P's heartbeat for so long. But it's scary when it starts to slow down (normal) and then speed way up. It took some getting used to. After some time, they sent me on my way (after peeing in a cup for them per usual!) Sidenote: I've gotten so good at peeing in cups. I guess practice makes perfect. Maybe by next winter I'll be able write my name in the snow.
The interesting tidbit from today: I go in for this test twice per week EVERY week. Not every 2 weeks. I go every week now until she's born, and this replaces most all future doctor appointments since I'll be so closely monitored. So, I'm pretty much done with the visits to my OB's office and all will take place at Labor & Delivery (luckily all my doctors are on call there at some point or another so it doesn't really make a difference). The other tidbit is that the doctor I spoke with today said they were "worried for now" but are being proactive and feel good about things. He said they currently look great. He said they will be less worried when I get to 34-35 weeks or so. So that's only 2-3 more weeks. The impression I got is they are mostly worried about the 2 vessel cord but also have some worry about my going into preterm labor because of the T-shaped uterus issue. Once I hit 34 weeks I'm in a much better position to have a healthy baby if preterm labor happens. But, they deal with this sort of thing all the time. It's unsettling, yes, but I also know there is nothing I can really do except rest and take it easy. Things will be just fine. Right?

Tweet