Me and Wee: How do I feel

Thursday, October 30, 2008

How do I feel

Hi friends!
Thanks so much for your kind comments on my last post!! It is so nice to know I have people out there who care and are rooting for us. Since we've made our announcement I've been frequently asked "How are you feeling?". I always seem to say "oh, pretty good, thanks!" I guess the question is a heavy one for me because I've felt about a million different things up to now. To get the physical feelings out of the way: I've been hellishly tired where I had been going to bed at 7:30 at night and waking up at 8:00 in the morning. I would then manage to be up for a few hours and then fall back asleep for an hour or two in the afternoon. I was feeling like a bear in hibernation! I'd wake to nibble on a snack and down bottles and bottles of water and then stumble off into my next snore session. I figured this would happen to me, but it just sort of takes you by surprise in terms of the severity. For a while, I was also sickly. I didn't much throw up...just more feeling severely hung over all day and night. Lots of dizziness and feeling very blah. Lots of gagging and such. I would think to myself: geez, this is reminding me of my drunken college weekends except I'm not having any fun the night before. Thankfully, I have been feeling less and less of this each day. I'm also able to stay up a little later at night. Truthfully, I've been getting so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like "enough already!!!" But, the larger emotion is one of being grateful. When I was feeling the worst of it I would whisper "thank you" to God so that it was clearly understood how grateful I am that this is happening for us. I would say lists of thank yous at night when I got into bed (I still do). I will never be able to be thankful enough, and feeling tired or sick just reminds me of how lucky we got. So, if I need to be sick and tired, then I will be so. Whatever has to happen I will welcome with open arms if it means a healthy baby in the end. Emotionally I've felt lots of things. In the first month after finding out our news, I was sick with fear. I spent the better part of every day near tears with a paralyzing fear that something was going to go wrong. It was truly horrible. I tried so hard to focus on the positive and tell myself that this was going to be fine...but I've only ever gotten evidence to the contrary in my past and that's all I had to go on. The nurses at my ob office are so great...they gave me lots of reassuring blood tests and I've had tons of ultrasounds to be on the safe side (measuring the bleed I mentioned in an earler post). As the weeks have gone by, I've gotten a little more confident and a little stronger. Now, I am allowing myself to believe that this is real. That I'm not an imposter pretending and playing at pregnancy. For the longest time I had a hard time admitting I was even pregnant because I felt like it would just be over soon anyway, so why even say that I am? At my first prenatal appointment, the nurse was giving me all these papers on pregnancy and forms about childbirth classes and such. I said "why are you giving me these?" in a joking manner. She said "well, believe it or not you ARE pregnant and things are still looking good!." I felt like a poser as she handed me sheet after sheet of information. It's like I wasn't really in my body and I was watching it all happen. After months of wringing of hands, grinding my teeth, and sweating it out, I'm finally able to say "I am pregnant and I'm feeling optimistic." I will NEVER assume I will bring a baby home at the end of this. Anything can happen, and I understand that. I take each day, one at a time and I silently say Thank You every night. Each day I have this baby with me is a huge blessing and another day where I got to be so lucky. I am starting to believe and that is scary. But I MUST believe, I NEED to believe.

PS. The nurse called with our first trimester screen ratio results: we screened negative for trisomy 18 and negative for Down Syndrome. But, the odds ratio I was given was 1:270 for Down Syndrome. So, they want to do a follow up ultrasound ( level 2 ultrasound) to check things out in detail. *sigh* I will also have more blood work done. I'm telling myself that this is common and will be just fine. But why couldn't I have just gotten a call that said "everything is great!". Things don't seem to pan out that way for me. There is a worry in the back of my mind now, but I know that all will be right in the end. The scan will happen on Dec. 1st when I go for my anatomy scan and find out the sex (hopefully). One more month! One day at a time, one day at a time...

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