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Hi friends! Firstly, I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day!!! (a day late). Secondly, we wanted to say "WOW!" Thank you so much for all your wonderful and kind comments about our new nursery! We were so touched and blown away by the lovely things that were said. It has been a true labor of love and the result of much plotting and planning. We can't wait for Little P to be here so she can enjoy her space...the room just isn't finished until she is here to sleep in it, scream in it, poop in it, etc. :) For now, it's quiet and empty and I like to go sit in the chair and think about her and the new chapter we are beginning. I'm also making sure to enjoy its clean and organized state...I know that it won't last much longer. I can't take all the credit for the room: I was the planner and plotter and Chris was the brawn who painted and assembled EVERYTHING. He was also kind enough to just agree with everything I picked out. haha! Seriously, I'm lucky we are a good team. But he did all the physical work and I'm very grateful.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day and Chris surprised me by booking me an appointment for a pregnancy massage at a local spa. It was heavenly! He also gave me a gift card to Anthropologie (my favorite store). There were lots of flowers waiting for me when I arrived home after the massage. He even got Little P. a gift: a cute pair of pink pajamas and a pink fleecy sleep sack. He got Maren the Wonder Dog a pink canvas bear with looooong legs that had squeakers at the ends. She loves her new toy and the photo shows her running at great speed through the house with it as she showed it off.
We ended the day with getting dressed up to go out to dinner...a lovely meal where I stuffed myself silly. The photo shows me at 29 Weeks and dressed for dinner. There's a quick fun photo of both of us in the bathroom mirror just before we left. We came home and Chris had made my favorite dessert: Chocolate Torte. I managed to get the tiniest sliver in before I thought I would surely explode (that would have put a damper on the day). Thanks so much Chris, for a lovely day! I love you! (I didn't mention that my gift to Chris wasn't as spectacular as HIS to ME...I got him a gift certificate for a throrough interior detailing for his SUV and exterior wash...he'd been mentioning wanting to have his car detailed for a while now (where they clean the interior crevices so much that it looks brand new off the lot). Once spring comes and the salt is off the roads, his car will look like new again. I also gave him some chocolates...and I've managed to avoid sampling them. :)
P.S. Speaking of chocolate: I failed my first gestational diabetes screen and went for the 3-hour glucose test. I passed and officially do NOT have G. D. Yay! While the 3 hour test SUCKED, I found that I DID enjoy the orange glucose drink. It was like sweetened Sunkist soda. Little P. delighted in it as well. Everyone was warning me about how gross it was, but I was thoroughly enjoying it....and sad when I finished it. Can you tell I like my sugar?
Thanks Old Navy! For making a coat that only has buttons up at the top. My belly has had plenty of unrestricted room to grow this winter. And the choice of green you made is my favorite part of this coat. And although it's not technically a maternity coat, I have made it such and it has been a pleasure. Going out to walk the dog is a more stylish event than it might otherwise have been, so thanks again Old Navy!
Hello friends! My parents came to visit us on Saturday and my Mom brought me these treasures. They were all mine when I was an infant and she's saved them for me all these years! I had no idea! What a thrill and surprise this was! 
The yellow blanket with matching sweater and bonnet were all knitted for me (she can't remember who made them though)...and the shade of yellow is the exact color of the crib bedding! I've been looking for a little sweater like this, so I'm happy it's here now.
The pink and blue blanket was knitted by my great-grandmother (Little P's great-great-grandmother) when I was an infant and she died not too long later. It's ultra-soft and I'm excited to use it. My Mom was named after her grandmother and it's so lovely to pass down these special priceless things that she touched. The white and orange "stork" blanket was knitted by my Mom's friend and neighbor just after my birth. The front is covered with all of my birth status information...like a birth announcement on a blanket. Pretty cool to see, and Little P will get to use it now too. And everything is machine-washable/dry-able so we don't have to worry about damaging the fabric. I love blankets and think hand-made knitted ones are so special, unique, and lovely. And great heirlooms! I don't think you can ever have too many. Thanks again Mom, what a nice surprise!
Hi friends!
Thought I'd show a few more nursery details.
I found some cool adhesive ribbon at Michael's crafts from the Martha Stewart craft line and decided to line the bottom of the pull-shades with it. It's a small detail, but I like little surprises like that. We got the lamps installed and together as well.
LEFT TO DO:
Our chair slipcover is coming on Tuesday and tonight we're hanging the valances. I have some artwork I'm putting together for one wall, and a few other small little things left to do. The big thing that will pull the room together, the area rug, is on backorder and the arrival date keeps getting pushed out. *sigh* It's no big deal, but when you're excited to finish something and it's the key piece...well...you just have a hard time waiting. At least I do. Perhaps it will be here by the end of the month. I guess you never know!
Dear Little P.,
Hi sweet one! I got back from the doctor a little while ago and I got to see you on the ultrasound! Boy, are you cute! You waved your arms at me and I noticed they look like real, plump little baby arms! You are growing so well. Any chance I get to take a peek at you is a real gift. Anyway, after seeing you, the doctor came in and told me you already weigh 2 lbs. 8 oz. and are in the 90th percentile for your growth. He said you are a "big baby." He didn't seem worried, rather, he was thrilled at how well you are doing and said that your growth may level out later on so just because you seem large now doesn't mean you will be the same when you are born. I'm just so happy you are thriving and kicking. I swore I saw a disco ball in there, but I think you hid it from me at the last second. That's ok, I know you need your own privacy so I won't snoop around. Today they also screened me for gestational diabetes and I'll find out the results sometime tomorrow. I fear your size may have a link to g.d. but we'll know for sure later. No point worrying yet! Daddy is excited about the appointment as well and he's looking forward to coming home from work to talk to you and make you wiggle. I know how you love his voice...you are most active when Dad is talking to you. He thought he could hear your little heart beating when he listened through my stomach the other night. It's just another way we get to interact with you a little before you come out. We're just so excited! I have a lot of thoughts on my mind about you and your upcoming arrival, but I won't write them all here just now. I know your little eyes can only see so much and your Mama likes to yammer on and on and on. Just know that we love you so much and want you to stay safe and warm in your little cocoon for as long as possible. We think of you always and love you the same.
Love,
Mama
Howdy folks! Today marks 27 weeks along. Not much else to say than, "yay!" That, and it's just starting to get really hard to get out of bed in the morning. There's a lot of grunting and struggling as I try to untangle myself from the blankets and the array of pillows I've arranged just so. It's quite the project to get my legs to swing over the side and stand up. Such an invigorating workout to start the day. And forget the couch. I need to pencil time in my schedule to allow for getting out of that damned thing. Maren the wonder-dog likes to go out several times per day, and I'm now finding that I can't quite bend down to get her leash on. Luckily, she's been amenable to jumping onto the kitchen chair to allow me to attach her leash without so much struggle. She can give me that much after destroying several pairs of underwear and shredding tissues all over the house. But that's another issue entirely. This week marks the first of my bi-weekly doctor's visits and I will have my dia-beetus screen as well as an ultrasound to check Little P's growth. She seems ok since she's break-dancing in my stomach as I type this. She's using a 1980s style boom box to set the beat and there's a snazzy sweat-band around her head. They will be surprised to see this during the ultrasound, but I won't be. I'm unsure if there is a disco ball, but my money is on "yes." I'm very curious to know how she is positioned in there. I have no idea which parts of her are tapping at me, but they are usually always in the same place. I'll keep you posted on what we find out...the appt. is on Thursday this week. See you soon! P.S. This weeks' photo comes to you from the mirror in our bathroom just to give you a break from the washing machine usually behind me.
Hi friends!
I hope you are having a good Monday! I'm busy here on the homefront working on some wedding invitation work for a few clients. It's delightful to be busy when it's cold outside! I'm 26 weeks along today and I guess this is the week the baby opens her eyes and blinks. They say you can hold a flashlight to the belly and she will see the difference. They also say if you listen carefully you can hear her heartbeat. (Well, I can't... but supposedly my husband could...we've tried it but no luck so far). I've noticed I've started getting more tired if we are out running errands. We went to the mall on Saturday and I kept having to stop to breathe and adjust my hips. Oh, the hips! I wanted lunch badly and wanted to cry when the restaurant was all the way at the other end of the mall. Like a football field or an ACTUAL CONTINENT away. It's the first time I've actually considered using one of those personal riding scooters (I would have settled for a Segway, a wheelchair, a plane, a zepplin, jet pack or the like) . With Chris' gentle encouragement and cheers we made it and the food was good (once we got seated of course). It's amazing how tired I was after just a little bit of walking. I spent Sunday recouping. It's pathetic! But I won't feel bad about it since my body is busy with important things behind the scenes. It won't be long before I won't be able to claim that and just have to own up to the fact I'm a lazy bastard.
We also spent time getting our little dog Maren up to date with a new leash and collar and some new toys. Everything she had before was falling apart or useless so our first "little one" is now looking quite snazzy! I like making sure we are giving her plenty of attention while we can. Spoiled dog. The little sucker just doesn't know what's coming!
Hello! I'm finally starting to feel better from my cold (it's still here, but I can function now!) so here is my latest belly photo from today's 25 week pregnant mark. Little P seems to move more and more every day...yesterday she seemed to be in a frenzy that lasted most of the day into the evening. It's entertaining to sit and watch the skin of my belly bump out wherever she hits. Like a little frog in there. OR AN ALIEN. But a little frog is cuter. I think anyone who's seen the movie "Spaceballs" remembers the scene at the end when they are in the diner and the guy has some food that doesn't agree with him and out pops this alien from his stomach. The alien then proceeds to do a Rockette-like kick routine down the bar as it sings "hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaal..." This image enters my mind a few times a day now. Hmm. I know there's no alien in there but still. Anyway, the belly is slowly growing larger and our dog, Maren, likes to lay right across it. She climbs right on top and insists on draping herself over it as if she's keeping an egg warm. A giant egg. She's only 9.5 pounds, so it doesn't cause any strain. It's just interesting how, no matter all the other places she could choose to nap, it HAS to be RIGHT THERE. I wonder if she knows what's going on and she's taking some ownership of Little P as well. As long as she doesn't mind always getting kicked in the face from the baby then it's fine by me.
Hello!
So, I've been looking at myself in the mirror lately (in the morning after my shower) and I can't help but gawk at my stomach and how it protrudes out in all its glory. It's like it's stretching out to get some sun and yells "I've finally arrived! This is MY moment dammit! Let me through, bitches!!" Sometimes I think "I look so huuuuuge!" But then I remember that I'm only just getting started and I have 3-3.5 more months of growing to do. I don't mind it. It's just strange to see on ME. I kind of feel like a kangaroo (minus all the hopping around). I've also noticed that while I work at the computer during the day I get so overheated in my lap area and realize that MY STOMACH IS RESTING ON MY THIGHS. Part of this is from slouching in my chair, but still. Never had I contemplated that I would one day sweat under my belly and on top of my thighs, etc. ugh. At least it's winter and 5 degrees outside so I can chalk this up as my own personal space heater. Without the extreme fire hazard. And since I've been sick for 2 weeks now, I've now been introduced to a fun and frisky pregnancy side effect: Stress Urinary Incontinence. Woo! Yeah, not something people talk much about. Let's just say that you add up pregnancy with a full serving of ALL -DAY AND NIGHT COUGHING and you've got yourself a situation where you might as well buy stock on, ahem, special underwear or the like. Never thought it would happen to ME, but isn't that what we all think? Thank God my cold is finally ending! Before you get all grossed out and yell "too much information!!!" just remember: Everyone pees. It's ok. And what's a little pee amongst friends? right? RIGHT??!!
Hello all! In exciting news, we had our follow-up ultrasound yesterday and Little P's heart and organs looked healthy and on track! The perinatologist said there was no cause for concern and everything looked as it should. She said that the only thing wrong was the umbilical cord issue and that's it. Phew! I felt a HUGE relief spill over me! They did a full anatomy scan again and Little P looks so much bigger than last time. Her features are really starting to round out and boy, does she move! She rocked and rolled the whole time! This makes sense because I feel her move a lot of the time now. Chris is also excited now that some of the movements can be felt on the outside...we were stuck in a snowstorm in traffic (parked on the highway for over 4 hours at one point) and the kicking was strong enough for him to feel. We sat in the car marveling over each little poke and it definitely kept us entertained during the wait. What a joy to see the look on Chris' face as he felt each little bump at his hand...it's the kind of thing I've been so excited to experience. I'll leave it at that. No 21 week photo of me this week...I look the same as the last photo so I will leave you with the latest photo of our little lady. I'm headed off soon to celebrate Christmas with my family; Happy Holidays to all and I'll be back soon with updates! Much love to you all and best wishes for you in this New Year!
It's funny how I turn into a crazed lunatic every time I get hungry. I've found lately that I'll think to myself "hmm. I might be starting to feel hungry." Or while out shopping Chris will ask me "how are you doing? Do you need a snack?" And I'll say "oh, I'm ok for now. Maybe a little hungry, but I can wait." I liken these statements to the moment a werewolf sees a full moon.
Well. Usually it takes about 5 more minutes before suddenly I'm in freak-out mode. My eyes widen as I become a drooling scavenging monster. I become a shell of the person I once was. I become inconsolable, angry, and desperate: MUST....HAVE...FOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH *drool* *drool* *pant* *pant*
This reminds me of the old Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley dressed as a school girl at the mall food court with her friends. He's using a cutesy girly voice and seems calm. She's eating from a plate of fries and a friend says "Same some for us!" as he is starting to wolf them down and he suddenly screams: "Lay OFF bitch! I'm staaaaaaarrvviiiiing!" as he starts shoveling fistfuls into his face. Well. That is me. Fine and willing to share one second. And a screaming panicky mess the next. I find I just cannot wait when I need to eat and everything must be put on hold until food is en-route to my stomach. Violence seems excusable. Note to self: Keep tasty snacks with self at all times. It will save yourself and your marriage. P.S. Twenty weeks today and half-way there!
You can see a snippet of the SNL skit here.
Hi there! Now it's time to talk about some other fun stuff: the nursery! I guess you could say I've spent a lot of time over the past several years plotting and planning and seeing what it is I like out there for nurseries. I've managed to pull together imagery and swatches of the things I like the most and here I will show you what we've rounded up so far for Little P. My worries about purchasing for baby are obviously over now. I'm not going to live life like something is going to go wrong anymore. I spent too much time doing that and I'm OVER IT. We won't be starting to put the room together until after the holidays. I'd love to have started sooner since I'm impatient; but it's hard with the holidays here. Weekends are too busy what with all the preparations and hooplah. It will be something nice to work on when the holidays end and it's just plain cold and miserable outside.That being said, my goal for the nursery is to be cheerful, friendly, modern, and functional. After great deliberation, I've decided on the wall paint color: a pale green-blue which I like a lot against white as the trim. We'll call it a seafoam sort of color. I'm not sure how it looks on your screen since it will vary, but I think you get the general idea. My idea for the accent colors for the accessories in the room is a bright sunshine yellow.
Onto the first actual item: The CRIB! Chris' parents were incredibly generous to gift us the crib...they are too sweet and we really, really appreciate it. I wanted to go with a "modern" look for the nursery and it fits the bill and then some! This is the Classic crib in birch by Oeuf.
We did not get the changing station pictured here. We plan to put a changing pad on a dresser.
The next item: The crib bedding. I was on the lookout for something with the perfect shade of yellow and for something that wasn't TOO cutesy. I found this set and loved it...and after a bit of time it went on sale for 50% off and I decided to go for it. It's by NurseryWorks and can be found here, but not sure how long it will still be there! I've also included an inspiration photo that came out in Domino Magazine last month that shows the crib I selected (although that one is in walnut finish...but close enough) with the bedding I ordered in it.
All the next items I've ordered have nothing to do with necessity and are strictly decorative because I'm nuts like that. But just so you know, we will be ordering the dresser from Ikea in January...and I plan to do some serious home craftiwork on it. As I'd mentioned, it will hold the changing pad on top. I'll be sure to post when the time comes. We also have an upholsetered rocker that I'd scored years ago at Salvation Army for 9 bucks that is in perfect condition...I am having custom slipcovers made for it in yellow with white piping as it's currently a vomit shade of green (suitable for the era the chair came from but a little too "vomit-y" for me at this point).
Onto the un-necessary items that I have ordered so far:
The Dachshund Lamp: A not too bright glow for evenings/nights and our dog is a dachshund so it seemed fitting. It's a lot bigger in person than I thought it was. But it's cool by me.
The next item is a mobile to go over the crib. I wanted something simple, classic, and decorative. I thought it would be nice to be able to have something I could hang in my office later on and this fit the bill to a T. It's called the Bamboo Birds Mobile and is made of *gasp* Bamboo and is laser cut. 
And for the next item: the rug. I didn't want the room to be too much about yellow...I feel it's always nice to have a counter-balance to a theme. This brings in the Dream Menagerie Rug from Anthropologie.
I really liked the rug a lot and decided that it will go well in the room and can grow with the baby. It's not something that will need to be replaced. And it she ever wants something else, I'll move it into my office...I'm always thinking of other uses for what I purchase and am trying to avoid getting things that I won't be able to use later on.
Here is another totally decorative purchase: the rattan elephant hamper. Because I admit I wanted one for myself and said "hey, it will be perfect in the baby's room anyway" I decided to go for it.
And for the latest decorative purchase: this Melamine Zoo Tray by Shinzi Katoh. I plan to use it in the nursery somehow...my biggest thought is to hang it on the wall as art. It's pretty small...about the size of a sheet of paper. Perhaps I'll lean it up on a shelf. The writing reads: Who is the biggest animal in the zoo? I loved the shade of yellow and the illustrative style is right on for what I'd been looking for in terms of wall art. I plan to find more vintage-y things like this to clip up on the walls in shades of yellow, oranges, dark greens, aquas, and red here and there.
Speaking of those colors I had to show you this pillow I LOVE. The Denyse Schmidt Green Penny Pillow. No, I probably won't order it. But I think it would be great on the rocking chair and make a nice statement in the room:
So! That's where we are at so far. The dresser project will take place in January sometime and I plan to design some prints/wall art of my own for the walls. I'll be sure to post photos of our progress and before/after pictures when we're finished. Sorry for the long post. I hope you enjoyed my virtual "inspiration board" for the nursery. I'm looking forward to getting started with it and hope it has given you an idea or two for your own decorative planning!
Hello everyone! Yesterday I hit my 19 week mark. Soon I'll be halfway through! Thanks so much for everyone's well-wishes and sweet comments on my last post!!!! We are so blessed to have so many wonderful people rooting for us and thinking good thoughts. It really does help a lot! I'm still absorbing the fact that I'm going to have a little girl! It completely blows my mind. She seems to be doing well in there. I've finally started feeling little tiny pokes here and there from inside. Sometimes I feel a bunch at once and other times it's just a poke or two. My experience with it so far has felt exactly like gas bubbles down there...just a lot and more frequent if not a tiny bit more obvious. Like a little finger inside my abdomen is tap-tap-tapping on the window of my organs. Our ultrasound last week was a great milestone for us; what an excitement! The one sketchy thing the doctor told us is that the umbilical cord has only one artery and vein instead of TWO arteries and one vein. But the artery it does have is very large. I guess this can be linked to defects in the kidneys or heart, but she said everything seemed fine with those and she wasn't concerned. It can also be linked to fetal growth issues, but the baby was measuring exactly for my dates. She told me it isn't something that affects the baby later on. She's having us come back soon for another ultrasound when the baby is a touch bigger so she can get a better look at the heart once it's grown a little more...a routine move she says. Overall I'm a little freaked out by it, but I think it's natural to be. I mostly feel confident, though, since the doctor seemed quite relaxed about it. I've learned that I can only panic so much in one pregnancy. I've also learned that if the doctor isn't worried then I won't be worried. (Easier said than done, but I'm getting better!) Because I have ZERO control over this, there is no point in flooding my system and Little P with worry-chemicals. It's a hard pill to swallow, but nature has to take its course one way or another and I'm just along for the ride. On a fun note, I've been planning the baby's nursery and have finally made our first baby purchases! We probably won't begin the process of setting up the room until at least January (when we will clean out the room and paint the walls...and hopefully put in a hard-wood floor) It's been fun plotting, planning, and figuring out what everything will be. More on that this week!
Dear Wee One,
I woke up yesterday morning early...I was so nervous. As I lay there in bed, I imagined you swirling around in my belly all snug and warm. I thought about my life up to now and remembered how I'd always wondered what my husband would be like or who my children would be if I had them. I took for granted that one day children would come along easily as soon as I decided to go ahead and have them! I learned that there are so many things in life that we can't control so we can only sit back and try to enjoy each day as its gifts are presented to us. I knew, though, that this day would one day come...I'd always viewed it as one of the most important days of my life and I'd never known when it would happen (just that it WOULD). I've wanted SO BADLY for you to be ok...to be healthy and safe and secure...and to know that I am doing a good job in keeping you that way. It is the most important job I'll ever know! Before I got out of bed I imagined you in our lives late next spring. I tried to imagine your eyes, the warmth of your skin, your little nose, your soft hair, those little hands and feet; and it all felt so real to me. Tears of gratitude slid down my cheeks as I got up and quickly got ready for the day. When your Daddy and I arrived at the hospital, we waited for what seemed like an eternity through a long genetic consultation. It finally came time lay on the little cot and the vision of you sprang to life on the little screen. Your little heart was beating away in your bulbous little chest area. We sighed as we saw all your little fingers waving with your arms above your head. We marveled at all your little organs and bones...so strong and working so well! We are already so proud of you! We giggled at your little feet and cooed at your round tummy. We even caught a quick glimpse of your face in profile! We learned that you are healthy. You are well. You are safe. You are warm. You are perfect! This was everything we could have dreamed and more. As I drove away from the hospital much later (with all the precious pictures of you on CD safely in my purse) I thought about the future again. I can almost hear the giggles from you, our little girl--our daughter, and I am now sure that there are no other moments quite as special as this. We love you so much, little P. I haven't met you in person yet, but I know you in my soul.
Love Always,
Mama
Hello! As my post title says, today I am 17 weeks pregnant. Wow, those words astound me! I remember thinking 7 weeks was a big deal! All is going well here. I'm still waiting to feel some baby movement...I think I've maybe felt a flutter here or there, but nothing is for sure yet. I figure in another week or 2 I'll start to feel something I'll be more sure about. I hope! Chris and I went out to dinner on Friday night and when we got to the waiting area a lovely woman and her two young children jumped up off the couch as she proclaimed "let's go guys, this lady needs the seat more than us!" Woa. That was the first time a stranger had acknowledged my "condition!" And gave me her seat, at that! I told her she didn't have to, but she very much insisted saying "I remember what it was like." And I chuckled and stated that I wasn't very far along. But, I took a seat and and sat there kind of stunned. I'm just glad I am pregnant...what if I'd just had a few too many cheeseburgers? She made a lucky guess...or maybe I look more pregnant than I think? Today I went to the dentist, and when I walked in, the receptionist (after I took off my coat) said "OH! I guess that answers our question of if you are or aren't!" Again, I was called out. Believe me, I'm not complaining. I guess I'm just amazed at how fast time goes. And that it's ME they are talking to! How many times do I need to pinch myself to believe this is truly happening?
Hello! I've been reflecting a lot on the past lately...remembering some of the hard times we have been through in our journey to conceive this child. I remember how after each loss I would scour books and internet sites looking for advice on how to cope. I just didn't find very much out there. I ended up joining an online support group that helped a lot. There were instant connections with tons of other women like me going through the same things; it felt soothing to hear the kinds of words I really needed at those times. I highly recommend joining an online support group if you ever have to face miscarriage or any other sort of problem you may need help with. That being said, I've had emails from lovely people all over who have wanted to get in touch and ask me for advice on moving forward after early pregnancy loss. Let me say, I'm no expert but I do have a few thoughts on the issue that I feel are paramount in MY moving forward through each day with a little less pain. I restate: these were discoveries that worked for ME and I share them in hopes that they may very well help YOU.
1. You will need to grieve. Don't expect to just "get over it." You won't. I don't know if you ever do. The pain will start to dull (like any wound) but you will carry the event with you forever (like a scar.) I don't know how long it takes...I would burst into sudden tears over my first loss even over a year later. It still bothers me to think about it. This is the death of a most precious loved one. It is the loss of the hopes and dreams you had started to formulate for this little life. The loss of what might have been. Don't be shy about being upset about it or needing to cry. And don't let anyone tell you not to feel upset.
2. While it is important to grieve, do not allow yourself to lose touch with life and become entrenched in depression. There is a difference from feeling sadness from loss and feeling unable to get out of bed every day. I slipped into a depression myself and it was a dark place to be. I just didn't know how to feel better. I was dwelling on all negative things...feeding the beast. When I made a conscious decision to focus on only positive things my life completely shifted and I felt light again. If you need to consult a grief councilor then do so! They are trained to help you move forward and this is a good time to be proactive in your mental healing.
3. While grieving, please remember that your partner/husband, family, and friends are not all trained councilors. Most people have no idea of what to say to you to make you feel better. Frankly, there's nothing to be said that can make it better. But it is easy to try and always turn to family and friends for a listening ear when you are feeling upset...and after several months they may throw up their hands in dismay and say "snap out of it!" Try and remember that while everyone cares, they simply aren't trained to know what to say to you. You will likely hear a lot of sound-bites in attempts to make you feel better: "God works in strange and mysterious ways" is an example I heard a lot (not quite sure what this even MEANS) or even better "at least you lost it early and you know you'll appreciate your next pregnancy even more!" Yes, that was a gem. I guess my point is, don't let it get to you if nobody knows what to say anymore...they DO care. Again, consider an online or in-person support group or grief councilor to help you. And also, remember that for many of you: your partner is hurting too. My husband was a rock for me...showing me so much love, attention, and concern. But after several months, I hadn't really seen HIM shedding tears and asking WHY. It took a long time before I saw him start to show those sorts of emotions...he'd just been such a strong force for me to lean on...it was harder for him to "let go" his feelings in light of that. It's not like he could call up his buddies and just bring up the topic. I wish he'd had more of an outlet for his sad feelings. Women seem to have a much easier time talking to each other about these issues. Remember to be sensitive to your partner's feelings as well. It's a loss for you both! Communication makes a big difference.
4. Avoid the internet. This, for me, is the biggest piece of advice I could give. After my losses, I scoured the net looking for comfort. I looked for reasons and explanations and statistics. I read other people's sad stories. In a nutshell: I made things so much worse for myself. I read so many horror stories that I worked myself up to tears nearly every day. I'd convinced myself that I would NEVER have a healthy child. That I would NEVER get pregnant and keep it. I read horrible statistics and warnings. The truth is, most people aren't out there to write about how "everything went great." Usually they are out there sharing their terrible stories in hopes to find kindred spirits. So, in your quest to find comfort and "success stories" you will really mostly find tales of woe and heartache. The medical sites focus on clinical data and leave you feeling hopeless. Let me tell you this: You are unique. Nobody has YOUR EXACT medical history and DNA. Your issues are your own. That same rule applies to everyone else. So if you read a horror story, remember that it is THEIR story; not yours. You don't know the full medical history of these people or what they are leaving out. In the end, surfing the net for answers and comfort only leads to tears, fear, and hopelessness (in general). I'm all for using it here or there if you want to look up basic information. But don't spend hours and hours scouring and falling into the "web of horrors." It took me a year and a half to turn away from the computer. Remember that negative brings more negative? I'd decided to focus on the positive in my life and that meant turning away from my beloved internet every time I felt sad and wanting "answers." It was the best decision I'd ever made. Avoid the seductive call of the internet! Find peace and comfort amongst humans and through your own doctor. It's all you truly need.
5. Try to find a sense of acceptance. I know this is virtually impossible. But in life, bad things happen to us all the time. It's all part of the cycle of living. I asked WHY!? every single day and I'll never know the answer. It just IS. Why do birds sing? Why is earth round? There are some things that just ARE. And this, I feel, is one of them. I had a much easier time moving forward when I accepted my losses as a part of life and that I will never know the reasons. Whether it is one loss or 20 losses, each one is painful and horrible. Nothing takes that away. But we move to a place of acceptance that this is what we've been dealt and we must choose the path of love and peace (don't we owe it to the little ones we lost?). In love and peace we will always find happiness.
These are just thoughts of my own on the topic...they were specific to the feelings I dealt with. Everyone is different and has different circumstances. There is no cookie cutter way of handling our feelings. But, I wanted to share my own experiences in hopes that maybe someone out there can pull something out of this entry that is useful in their own journey. My thoughts and best wishes are with you all!
So...I'm going to share with you my very first baby-related purchase (as I promised yesterday). It's more for me, as I'd said, but I'm getting more brave toward the idea of getting things JUST for baby. I'm really waiting for after I know if we are having a boy or girl. Anyway, it's a diaper bag by OiOi called the "Giraffe Tote." You can find it here.
Yes, it was a big splurge. But I figure it will get a ton of use and after over a year and a half of researching diaper bags (during each pregnancy) this was the only one that screamed "I'm YOURS!" to me. I wanted to truly love the look of the bag and I wanted to make sure it came with everything it needed while still being stylish. It fit the bill and is now mine. Mind you, I've NEVER owned anything with an animal print on it. But, for some reason, this reads more as a general pattern for me. I know the look is not for everyone, but I was thrilled to find it. It's made of a tough canvas material and the inner liner is waterproof. The bag comes with changing pad, insulated bottle holder, wipes case, and dirty duds pouch. It also features little straps you can attach as loops that can affix to a stroller. You can see OiOi's other diaper bags/collections and products HERE. All images were pulled from BabyCenter.com's online store. The svelte blonde model is also obviously not me. I'm sure the baby isn't hers either. :)
Today I'm officially 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Not that I'm counting in detail or anything. I finally decided to take my first belly picture since there is finally something to see other than the swelling from my breakfast. It's pretty small as far as pregnant bellies go but I know it's very early. Don't mind the background...I'm standing there in the full-length closet mirror in our laundry room. I also didn't put on any makeup today but I figured you'd forgive me. Tomorrow is my monthly doctor's visit where I'll get to hear the wee one's heartbeat (Knocking on wood all is still ok). Today was the first day in months that I woke up feeling 1. rested and refreshed 2. not sickly or headache-y in some fashion. I actually have had some energy today for the first time in what feels like forever. Good timing too, since I'm working on some holiday card and invitation designs for a lovely client. I hope you are all well and I'll be back soon to show you my very first baby-related purchase! Well, it's more for ME than the baby, but I'm working on my bravery toward getting "just for baby" items. See you soon!
Hello everyone! Happy Friday! I've actually been feeling ok this week...no queasiness like before.
I'm just crazily tired. To demonstrate this, I went to bed last night promptly at 7:20 in the evening. I've even managed to shock myself with that one! I was going about my business and I started to almost fall asleep while I was eating dinner. I had this urgent need to just "get into bed dammit! and Hurry!" I obliged and after 12 hours of sleeping I am "awake" and ready for a new day. Supposedly. In the meantime, I noticed that I have a little pouch finally! Usually when I wake up my stomach is pretty "flat" and as the day wears on I get all bloated and belly-rific. Yesterday, I woke up and when I glanced in the mirror at my side view (yes, I check each morning...don't judge me!) I noticed a bit of a bulge/pouch taking shape. Only I would notice it, but I swear it is there. I also noticed that the jeans I could button the day before could no longer button (or zip). Scientific proof! I realized the other morning, when I was getting dressed for Bob's funeral, that most of my pants no longer fit. I'd sort of figured I could wear them, but just leave them unzipped and unbuttoned but wear a stretch band across the top that hides that fact. A long shirt to hide it all and voila! But, my plans were foiled when I pulled on each pair of pants to find that my thighs were so squished into them that they looked painted on. They were so tight up there that I was giving off an impression I just didn't want to give! So much for the "just unbutton the pants" theory. I'm sure Bob wouldn't truly care that I looked like a bag lady at his service, but I was starting to panic. In the end, I luckily found one pair of pants that still worked in the thighs and off I went. This little exercise made me realize that while it's fine to wear sweats and pajamas at home during the day, you can't really go into the real world like that. I scurried off to the mall yesterday and found a pair of maternity cordouroy pants that are like heaven to wear. Now, at least I can leave the house and not look like a hobo. I am at the interesting "in-between" stage where I don't look pregnant yet but a lot of my clothes aren't fitting right. Yet I'm too cheap to just buy clothes a size larger that I'll only have for a few weeks. Perhaps if I become a temporary hermit, I can spend the next month in the house wearing only jammies and then emerge as a fully blossomed pregnant woman come December. It's a little "Howard Hughes" but it just might work. I promise I won't pee in any jars.
Hello!
Well, today marks the start of 14 weeks for me and I'm officially into the second trimester. It feels so nice to be able to say those words! I have no belly or bump yet to show. I know I have a while before that will happen. When I wake up, I look like I always have (just a thicker torso now). And by the end of the day, I get so bloated I look 5 months pregnant. I choose to see it as a preview of what's to come and not that I'm just a gassy fluid-filled mess. What IS cool is that when I lay flat on my back I can feel my uterus bumping up out of my abdomen. I run my hand over it and it's nice to think "wow, our baby is in there!" I can't wait to have some sort of bump as a visual cue that yes, I'm pregnant. No, it's not a figment of my imagination. Yes, it is real. It will be nice to feel kicking and flutters of movement...because up to now there are still no signs that soothe me and say "everything is ok in there." I have to rely on ultrasounds and dopplers for that. Although, the fact I'm asleep almost 24-7 or feeling mostly like I will vomit at any second should be a good enough cue. I'm still having those symptoms and no, they haven't lifted yet. In fact, I'm having a hard time finding ANYTHING that I want to eat these days. Everything just sounds gross to me. Don't worry Mom, I'm eating. It's just not fun like it used to be. :)
That's ok, though, I know it won't be forever and the fact that I feel so sickly just reminds me of the good things to come.
